A capable, smart, can do lady, always has room for improvement and accepts every moment as teachable. Today I allowed old messages to take over my current, present moment of actually living in my otherwise pretty serene life. The results, cowering down and ignoring my own responsibilities that the Captain clearly does not want to handle fully, nor should he. There’s input and assisting to a level of comfort on his part and then there is resentment building with a thought bubble hanging overhead stating, “what the fuck am I doing this for her when she needs to do it for herself”.
As I reflect back over this tiresome day, I realize with disgust that deep down, unbeknownst to me, maybe this was a form of a shit test. Yes, I said a form. I firmly believe that the starving little girl, who resides deep down inside of me, still awakens to stir things up looking for that needed attention. Some of the less fortunate sufferers out there haven’t a clue of which I speak, so I would be happy to enlighten you by sharing now and then on the topic of “inner child”. They exist in all of us and if not properly cared for back in childhood days, the childlike behavior emerges at the most inopportune moments. That is what happened to me today.
I felt it coming, the gradual build up over the last few weeks. Then it hit me, hard. Repressed, old shitty feelings of inadequacy. Ha, lies all lies, but man did they feel real! Thank the Lord that the Captain has awareness of inner child crap and is a willing participant who understands, listens, then disciplines and redirects me.
After a brief, but deep conversation of expectations and control crap, we both came away feeling heard and calm. The power of communication, validating that I too have a welcomed voice is so refreshing. I gave him the absolute respect he fully deserves, while in return he gave me adoration for my abilities to be a better lady in his eyes as well as my own. After all, in the end what the hell else really matters? Well, the way he grabbed me and kissed me hard then pushed me away was a great indicator that we really are okay as long as we bring it to the table every time.