It’s the sweat on my back and pain in my body that keeps me going…

press on        My mantra for fitness…

Just yesterday I told the trainer of the day that she was my pace car. She replied, “or maybe you are mine.” We finished a tough, grueling, tiresome workout within .09 seconds of each other. Funny, this picture is what I said to her on our 5th RFT (round for time). It’s not about the time, it’s about finishing, right? She concurred.

Lately I have become borderline obsessed with my cross-fit training. Partly because the Captain pushes me when I want to back out, but mostly because I love how I feel when it’s over. Yesterday Captain sent me a quote/picture that says, “skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked”. I am sure that one is floating around the manosphere. I told him I hope that was a good message for me from him. His reply,”I wouldn’t have sent it if not”. Okay, I accept that.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately, but the wheel is spinning and I see no way off except to fling myself off and pray for a soft but firm landing. Captain is going through some old crap of emotions and needs time to sit with it, walk through it, and come out the other side better for it. I, however, am being a “pain in his ass” and not only is he aware of it, so am I.

This is what injects me with the need to step up my fitness for my core and mental stability. I definitely feel my usually balanced triangle slightly obtuse in form. I come across as needy and whiny, rather revolting I must say. This is not the confident lady I portray these days. Certainly not the one Captain became attracted to in the first place. He told me he “understands this old crap of behavior and where it stems from, but to just knock it off!” Ugh, if only it were that simple.

Well, as always, I had a grand epiphany a few moments ago. I know how I got off-balance, ONEITIS strikes again! I understand myself enough to realize this is a very old pattern of mine, but still it rears its ugly head when I get too comfortable. The difference for me today is that I have a well-rounded, somewhat balanced life. I know that my happiness is my responsibility. So why do I get dependent on that ONE? hmmm…

I have my own business with independent contractors to assist in running it. My life is my own as well as my time, which I take advantage of by taking great care of me! Something I never considered before. I have friends that I don’t really hang out with so much, but we text and have an occasional lunch or “girls night”. (consists of dinner, cocktails, laughing while ignoring the blatant meat stares around us) Realization; I have reached that age and stage in my life where I am content with spending more time with Captain.

How does this tie together with what I started writing about and then landed here? I don’t have a solid answer other than, the freakin’ wheel goes round and round…No wonder the Captain says I am being a pain his ass lately. Gratefully I don’t share his sentiments when he is literally in mine. A whole other blog in itself!


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