When I bring it to life, the power is taken out. It gets cut in half when I share the crap inside my head with God and one other person. Once again, I am breathing.
I used to live my life, a prisoner within my own thoughts. Tormented by the “what if’s” and the “if only’s”. Worry was a constant state of being and fear was the sea in which I swam. I was asked just a little while ago, “how did you get out of it, how did you do it?” My answer, “I prayed, a lot! I Talked to God and told Him how afraid I was to let anyone near my heart again. He showed me time after time He was protecting me. Because I put my trust in Him, my faith grew stronger and He revealed Himself to me a little more every day.”
Now, I did not come to believe over night by some grand epiphany mind you. In fact, it took a second tragedy to affect me so deeply that I had nowhere else to take my pain this time. Ten years ago I was told I would never “come to believe” if I didn’t know what I believed. One thing was clear, my life was not working by my own free will.
After the loss of my beautiful 20 year old nephew to an overdose of heroin, I had surrendered to a much greater power that I never knew existed. There was no other explanation to my being able to get up and put one foot in front of the other soon after his death. Since that time two years ago, my life has changed directions. I have been led down a path than I could not have designed for myself. Along this part of my journey, the weeds of toxicity have been pulled and replaced by healthy new spirits to lift me up for my highest good.
Of course the love for my three sons empower me and remains in tact. We four are freakishly linked in a way that is just unheard of these days. Together we have all walked through some very painful, life altering challenges. The beautiful thing is, even through times of struggles and battles, we always settle before the war and contain the love in our hearts. (God working His miracles)
I was a raw woman and it was merely weeks after losing my nephew when suddenly a new man appeared on the scene. He had entered the rooms of emotional recovery, same as I many years before, in pain and irritated to be there, but desperate to be done with the bullshit of addiction. I had no desire of receiving attention from a man again, especially not now. It was too soon and I was done with my heart being shredded. After some time had passed and our paths continued to cross, I asked God what He was up to. It was obvious we were both broken and wounded spirits in need of repair. The message kept coming back, “trust Me, I have The Plan”. My fight became weaker while my heart became stronger. I learned that I am the one responsible for my own happiness. I get to choose between a wall or a little white picket fence with a gate. So, I decided to hang a welcome sign on the latch, but reserve the right to keep the key.
I am incredibly grateful to that man who made subtle yet direct attempts to get my attention a little over two years ago. I will never forget the way I physically stepped away from him one of the first times we had a brief conversation. Because I was so out of balance, I continued to downgrade my outward appearance. It was a deep, muddled reflection of my insides.
Meanwhile, I fed my spirit and the emptiness was beginning to fill me up with goodness. Eventually I was led to find the willingness to work on my physical and mental well-being. All the while, this beautiful man kept showing up in my path. As he walked through his own agony and lessons to face, I started to feel blessed to be a part of them and to have him see mine. We have traveled across some rocky terrain holding each other up, as well as letting each other fall. We have reached that level of intimacy and vulnerability that is rare to let another see for fear of being judged, ridiculed or let down.
Today we have become very close and share many amazing thoughts, ideas, plans and moments together. He holds me accountable and responsible for my own actions and encourages me in a way no one (man) has ever done before. He never ceases to amaze me and I am constantly in awe of him. I thank God for His handy work in this when I was ready to just dismiss this man and walk the other way without ever looking back…
This is my birthday week and the Captain has rented a houseboat for a week. Oh the fun we will have floating around on the lake with no one to see or hear us for miles. See, the beauty of life is, it takes me from serious to silly in less than 5 seconds these days. That is what truly living is all about to me.
My life is filled with love and I am in love with life.
I only have today and I intend to play,
everything else just gets in the way!