Just when I think I am being such a good girl, I cross the man’s boundaries by being suchagirl! I don’t mean he drew a line in the sand and I am performing some ultimate shit test. I never do that with him, but at times my girl brain gets ahead of the man. It is so fucking subtle to me that I don’t even realize I am doing it.
After a magnificent week alone on the houseboat, nowhere to hide or have much alone time for him, we still had a beautiful time, as my previous post revealed. I understand how important his solitude is to him and I respect that. So why in the hell can’t I help myself when he clearly needs to breathe and do his “manly shit” back at home? Because I love being in his presence, that’s why!
I am not a manipulative person, but I do know, and the Captain has pointed out that, I want what I want when I want it. I loathe being in that state of mind. It is a deep-rooted fear that stems from abandonment issues. This much I know, but exercising these fulfillment needs on him is strictly forbidden, as well it should be, He has his own stuff to work through still and Lord knows I do too.
Tonight my prayer is this, “God, please remind me I am okay, whole, beautiful and loved. You are my protection when I feel weak. Only You can lift me up for my highest good because You are BIGGER than any sorrow or woe that may cross my way. So please take away my urgency and need to push his boundaries when all that does is begin to build a wall that we’ve worked so hard to crumble. In Your name, Amen!”
So, Captain called me on my shit. He expressed his feelings of being bulldozed tonight by my not allowing him to completely lead in the area of our time spent together. I posed a final question to him, “are we okay?” His response, “not now, but we will be.” Crushed and relieved at the same time, my only choice was to accept it and once again, do better!
Wow, does life take some twists and turns when least expected. One minute were rockin the boat, makin sexy waves for days and the next, some old bad behavior rears its ugly head and I am feeling stupid for being suchagirl!
I am not beating myself up over this, but I am mindful of his feelings. I desperately want to understand because I firmly believe it is far more important to understand than to be understood. I respect and adore this man more than I ever thought possible. Hell, I have never let anyone cum in my mouth before, so that says a lot for us. 😉
Perhaps I am whining a bit here, but being a girl at heart, it sometimes is allowed. Captain knows when I am seeking attention and I love it when he holds me accountable for that. Why do I need it? I don’t, it’s my own little insecurities and my shit to work through. Meanwhile, I will carry on and thank the Good Lord for working in my life. I also pray for a pardon from the Captain. I understand this is a huge foul for him, yet I hope he understands me.