I’m not who I once was, but I’m not yet who I strive to be…

kitty-lion

Have you ever stared in the mirror for so long that you started to not recognize your own image? I can gaze into my Captain’s eyes for the longest time and see deep inside his very soul. Sometimes, he has to look away when it becomes too intense. Earlier this evening I had a wash of sadness come over me and the tears began to flow. For whatever reason, I went to the bathroom and stood there taking a long hard look at this lady in the mirror. Within minutes, I had tear-stained cheeks and I no longer recognized me.

The whites of my eyes were turning red, my lips began to swell, as my mascara started to smear. I said out loud to myself, “how did I get to this place again?” The answer did not come, no calmness or revelation, only sorrow. There was a time when I would have tried to outrun this dreadful feeling, but today I was willing to stand there and just be.

Maybe that was why I did not see a familiar image reflecting back at me. Although the face I was watching was sad, she was still and her feet were firmly planted on the ground. My only explanation is that I had a conversation with God only moments before. I told Him of the ache in my heart, but He already knew. So I asked Him to bind up these gaping wounds of my flesh and while He was at it, to please do the same for my Captain. While I had Him on the line, I praised Him for His Grace and Mercy.

I was reminded that this too shall pass, but it didn’t stop me from uttering the words, “please hurry”! I understand that feelings are valid just by virtue of being mine, but I need to acknowledge Captain’s as well. I caused him unjust anger and I am praying for the opportunity to make this right in his glorious eyes.

We had a very big misunderstanding last night and instead of listening to his words telling me to let him be, I pushed for a resolution. Selfishly, I did not want to sit in the uncomfortable pain while waiting for him to process his feelings. The ultimate form of disrespect imaginable. I could not apologize to his contentment and it only seemed to escalate his frustration and irritation with me.

I began to ask myself, “Who is this girl? Listen to what you are being told and stop misbehaving”. It was if I was having an out of my freakin’ mind experience and no longer had control of my own ability to be rational. I know I deserve the consequences of my unacceptable behavior as I await what is coming next.

I have spent the better part of today on an emotional roller coaster. I have been self-convicted for the infraction that occurred. I sit anxiously staring in that mirror, trying to recall how I arrived here. The memory becomes as blurry as the vision I see staring back at me.

respect-love

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