A princess in her heart…

cinderella

What makes a little girl want to be a princess? As that little girl, I must confess, Cinderella was beautiful to me in her rags to riches kind of way. I grew up wanting nothing more than the handsome prince to whisk me away from the life I grew up knowing. She knew what it was like to bow down to pretentiousness and still feel happy on the inside, lucky girl. Those “upper class” people intimidated me, but all I ever wanted was to live freely and comfortable in my own skin. Cinderella’s portrayal of unfaltering self-confidence was something I aspired to.

One day I grew up and forgot all about this animated “idol” of mine. Soon she was replaced by real life, women of flesh. In high school, it started to occur to me that looks seemed to matter if I were ever going to attract the prince.  A few contenders came and went, but not one held the glass slipper. Granted, my standards were not set very high. I  had yet to acquire a proper measuring stick, so I learned quickly how to “settle”. A trait that would stay with me for most of my life.

When this girl’s insides did not match her outsides, it is no wonder that I said yes to marry a man at the age of 20? The cause was from deep wounds of abandonment that were inflicted from childhood. The thinking, or lack there of, would anyone else ever want this broken young lady? Afraid to find out the answer, I settled.

I am without regret as that choice brought me three amazing young men that I am proud to call my sons. However, I never did receive my glass slipper nor did the pumpkins ever transform into a beautiful carriage. This impacting part of my past has brought me to a place where my heart is filled with an abundance of love. I have leaned into God and asked Him to soften and heal my heart for it has truly been broken. By merely asking this of Him two and half years ago, He began to work His miracles. Just when I thought I couldn’t take one more ounce of pain, I could feel the healing from the inside out. I now know that I am worthy of all things good, including the special gift of giving and receiving love.

glass slipper

“The antidote to abandonment is commitment to love”. (Susan Anderson)

I was reminded yesterday of these transformations and that out of the ashes, beauty remains. As I was lying in bed, slowly awakening from a wonderful night, and a beautiful morning, my Sir brought me coffee. His words were gentle as He handed the hot cup of deliciousness to me, through His special little, sexy grin, “Here you go. Wow, someone is being treated like a princess”. In that moment, I was and I felt it…

cinder and her tiara

Advertisements

Again and a fucking~gin…

forgiveness

my heart fucked up again

when will it ever end

my head said, “hey dummy, you’ve traveled this path

did you learn nothing from suffering His wrath”

how goddamn many swats will it take

do you really want to break

respect  is such a significant gift

one you give graciously with every lift

so why can’t you get it through your stupid girl head

are you trying to dissolve what means everything until it is dead

lord please help me do better my heart is crying out

Your child is strug-gul-ling as she begins to scream and shout

what happened was monumental in my Sir’s eyes

I cannot hide through any disguise

run from the sadness sitting still is trial

my words He cannot hear and are only vile

pain from my wrong unbearably difficult hold

if Sir would only forgive me but my asking is much too bold

reaching out to Him in the midst of His anger

is not in my best interest and puts our relationship in danger

Sir whom I trust completely to be who You are

please find me in Your heart and not push away so far

Your kitten is so sorry if You would only believe

it is my honor to serve and please these blessings You shall receive

my respect runs deeply through in everything I do

how beautiful my life complimented by You

I cherish and adore You all my days that You touch

Sir without Your presence I am missing you so very much

Your hands grazing my body lips upon my skin

how I long to feel You Sir deep within

taking everything while holding me so tight

over and over again long into the night

meanwhile I patiently wait attempting to just be

the one thing You always ask of me…

just be 2

“people throw rocks at shiny things”…

Submit willingly to Him

as we evolve

the mystery dissolves

our true course of life

though not without strife

becoming so clear

always wanting You near

an emptiness within

where should I begin

Sir fills my deepest hole

enriches my very soul

with every ounce I require

it’s Him I desire

His beautiful arms

protect me from harm

while He holds me up high

my ambitions reach the sky

Sir’s sub is learning to be

a whole complete me

outsiders see me glow

wondering how I just flow

graced by His light

my wings they take flight

sometimes a lonely place

when all I see is His lovely face

others cast stones because it shines

maybe the glimmer does blind

for they don’t understand

how I hunger for His command

private and protected

my thoughts now collected

there is so much inside

no reason to hide

how I express my inner self

my heart not to be placed upon a shelf

if vanilla is the flavor you so choose

remember I too once walked in those shoes

my path is a beautiful design

one I loyally follow and gratefully reside

control I have willingly surrendered

a sub’s rewards genuinely rendered

there are times when a push back has its trace

Sir hesitates not a moment to put me in my place

lay down the rocks you hold in your hand

forgive me but it is clear you simply don’t understand

my words would reflect that I tend to care

maybe a little I just wanted to share

don’t judge me too harshly the feminists galore

my wish for you all  is a Sir you too can adore

D and s

What is found in the bottom of that bottle…

airplane

forty-eight hours till You return to me

Sir You’ve been gone far too long

my heart aches and longs to be free

how much tequila is too much

tonight there is not enough

to keep my anxiety at bay and such

You’ve not been able to reach out

fear has me crossed beyond the line

Your kitty can only scream and shout

praying everything is okay

it’s been twenty-four hours since I last heard from You

feels so much longer than a day

I miss You so

I can barely manage these last hours

drowning my sorrows is how I choose to go

stupid and jumbled

these words I divulge

make little sense because they are mumbled

what do I care

Your kitty just needs You

Sir I wanted to share

our bottle of tequila

I can’t see the bottom

only want to see you

tequila