“When the sub begins topping from the bottom, or becoming dominant (small ‘d’) conflict erupts because one loses the trust required for D/s to become or remain functionally correct”. Partial comment from My Sir’s Mynx~
There are times when I find myself doing this and I don’t even realize it until my Sir brings it to my attention. I found myself in this predicament this evening. Sir informed me although I “have been much better”, it has still been happening now and again. As I sit here tonight alone with my thoughts, I am reflecting upon my feelings and recent transactions of such. Drawing a conclusion of the realization that yes, I hold myself in contempt, guilty as accused.
Is it enough to have the awareness of this action? The answer comes back with clarity, no, it is not. So what is the action to take? Change the behavior. Stay mindful of the feeling that washes over me when I know the discomfort of attempting to manage my Leader, my Sir. If I have chosen to be a true submissive, act like it. Embrace it. Don’t reverse and think topping from the bottom will slide by, going unnoticed. There will be unpleasant consequences and I am the one accountable and responsible for them.
Words are just that. Mere babble of desperation to correct a wrong in order to make it right because it is uncomfortable. That is not sufficient nor does it deserve a pass. It fucks up the boundaries in the relationship that have been established. The respect that my Sir is completely deserving of appears modified and fabricated, when in actuality it is absolutely not. Meager attempts to back paddle and correct bad girl behavior is a high form of disrespect for the wishes and limits set and spoken by my Sir.
I am not sure where this came from or why the spring has been tapped. The holidays play an intricate part. In my world they aren’t all rosy and bright. There is a stigma that looms a little black cloud above. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, but as the days draw near, my expectations seem to rise. I want nothing more than for my Sir to take the sting out of the gloomy days that are lurking ahead, but that is not truly His to take on. My feelings belong to me.
My thoughts are as jumbled as my words here tonight. My healing comes from emptying my head and sharing my heart. I need to catch my breath, realize my position and adjust accordingly to the rightful ways of which life is flowing. A temporary loss of my way and direction.
Thank You for steering me back with Your strong lead and disciplinary tone. I choose to listen closer and follow once again.