my own ESH (experience, strength, hope) or (extra special help) your choice…

lost

Self abandonment is something I am all too familiar with. We go way back, abandonment and me. For most of my life, I would put myself, needs, wants and desires on the back burner. It may even be safe to say that rarely would I be found on the stove. Growing up in a dys~fuck~tional home of dis~ease and addiction, I often had to find my own means of support, both emotionally and spiritually.

When I was two, my daddy had left us (me) and by the time I was seven, I knew mom had succumbed to her allergy when she became a full-blown alcoholic. Albeit still loving, slowly but surely her dis~ease robbed me of yet another parent. I typically found other means of seeking out comfort that I lacked now from both a mother and a father. A whole new description of abandonment developed.

I quickly learned I had to start growing up and fast. Try as I may to remain a child that I deserved to be, it was clear that I had to start learning to take care of my own needs. That meant that at ten, I babysat for extra cash so no one could tell me what I could or could not spend my money on. At that young age, I didn’t need materialistic things. The bonus was that it got me out of the house and temporarily away from the madness. Mom was a good provider in that our basics needs were met. She wasn’t incapable of sustaining employment. In fact, she was “highly functional” in her state of sickness and successful as a state employee. I did know she loved me, because she told me often.

So where was the lack and neglect? When she remarried I was seven and suddenly all her focus and attention was on this new man she expected to be my replacement daddy. Soon after is when the mental and verbal abuse started. The sting of abandonment, now enhanced. Mom cowered down to this man and never protected me. Her choice was evident who was more important and the burdens of an adult were now placed on this child. Suddenly I was now expected to carry them and take care of mom’s emotional state. I witnessed the demise of this lovely lady whom I once proudly called mom.

By the time I was a mid~teenager, I had been working for nearly six years and had the maturity of a young adult. I had responsibilities placed on me that were never age appropriate, but I lived up to them to the best of my abilities. This is the precise period of my life where I began to lose touch with my own self. It was as though I was forced to abandon my own thoughts, for fear of the ridicule and demeaning attacks that came with making mistakes. The message sent, received and delivered was, YOU are not good enough. Do better and MAYBE you will be loved, but only if you earn it.

Well, fuck. Order the party hats, hang the streamers, blow up the balloons and bring the popcorn, welcome to my lifelong pity party! What a party it was. I remember it starting at about age seventeen and lasting until maybe six years ago. No wonder I am exhausted keeping up those appearances that served me well for a very long time.

Let me back up quite a bit to my late teens where my own dys~fuck~tional relationship patterns were born. As I sought outside myself, seeking in others for my emotional fill-up needs, I was always led to the most unavailable sources because that was all I knew. I was drawn to and gave a free pass to those who would make me work harder for their love and attention. It was the system I witnessed that my mom created and we lived in. It seemed to work for her, it was familiar to me, so how was I to know any better? I continued to endure the verbal abuse and eventually even some physical. By now the pity party was in full force. Remembering often the message, “YOU are not good enough, try harder, be more, then maybe you will be worthy of love”. It was ingrained on my brain. Dance little princess dance.

Alright, I managed to escape my LTR from high school, but only because the next white knight flattered me enough to lure me away from my current abuser. The blood hadn’t even dried on the back of my head that went through the wall when I announced it was over and I was onto the next chapter. More balloons, streamers and cake please. This one is the one I can count on. He rescued me after all. He must love me for me. So he drinks more than I am comfortable with, smokes pot and snorts some white shit “once in a while”. I would never partake in that nor was it allowed at my pity party. However, I was determined that this guy was all I dreamed of and he would not be like the others because he would change for me. I AM that special and powerful, no matter what the old tapes playing in the background keep repeating. That is actually comical as I think of it now.

In the very beginning of this relationship I had lost my mom to a tragic, fatal car accident. I was twenty-two and devastated. She was my mom and despite everything, I loved her. By the mercy and grace of God, whom I had no relationship with, we had been mended with paperclips and scotch tape, but at least we “liked” each other again. That was my first introduction to detachment with love and acceptance. She was a beautiful soul who was caught in the cruelty of a horrific dis~ease. I stopped blaming and forgave her.

A year passed and I married this man after committing myself to complete self abandonment and promises to live in denial of the truth. Eighteen years and three amazing sons later, I filed for divorce after a tumultuous relationship with this alcoholic. The skills I took away from that chunk of my life were those on survival I had fine tuned. I became an expert in control, manipulation, managing, shaming, blaming, overcompensation, perfectionism, and oh yes, the party continued as prescribed by me. Except now, I began taking hostages in order for the celebration to carry on. Since all of my needs failed to be filled by any and all outside sources, my master skills were now serving me well.

The next one was on deck prior to the soon to be ex husband vacating the premises. This new man was simultaneously going through the same motions as I was. A match made in heaven, yes? Oh Lord I prayed this one was my final hero and savior here on earth. By this time I had come to terms with a lot of emotional pain and effects from a lifetime of abuse and neglect. Not only from those who were supposed to love me, but myself included. If I could not treat myself with the love and dignity I deserve and cherish all the blessings bestowed upon me, how could I be worthy of receiving more?

It was at this moment in my life I had found the rooms of recovery. A saving grace that welcomed me with open arms. I stumbled in, broken and shattered, depleted of all my self-worth, value and love. An empty shell that had been emptied over the course of nearly thirty years at that point. Pieces of me now strewn about, so scattered and left behind, hopeless and full of despair, how would I ever be put back together again? Angry that I was in this place where dys~fuck~tion forced me through the iron doors. Confused and frustrated why I was the one in need of changing and fixing. After all, I was not the one with an addiction problem that fucked up the lives of everyone they touched. Or so it seemed.

The newest man I was sure to be Heaven sent, scolded me and said he would not be able to see me as long as that husband was still in the picture and the house. That was enough incentive to light the fire. A few short, but long agonizing weeks later, he was out of the house I was happy to report. Done. Now will you love and cherish me? Five months later, we too were done. Meanwhile, I continued to show up in “those rooms” I was so resentful to have to be in. Little did I know, the message was seeping in my stubborn skull. It leaked in with every word I heard as it sounded like my own story. For every ounce of wisdom I allowed to creep in, I cried a bucket of tears. I knew where I belonged and I never left.

The balloons slowly deflated, streamers and hats disappeared one by one and the candles were finally blown out. A new party was in the works as resentments lessened and gratitude slowly replaced it. At some point I told my pride and ego to take a hike as they were no longer of service to me. I was becoming empowered and equipped as my faith grew and was humbled by the ESH of others. I came in because of them, the sick ones, I stayed for me, the real sick one. That was nearly eleven years ago. I have been asked why do you still go there? My answer is always, my life and emotional sobriety depend upon it.

As I dove head first into this new discovery that was teaching me a better way to live and love. I finally reached a point in my life that I began to make sense to me. I could admit I was a walking wounded, but not beyond repair and certainly worth every bit of work I willingly put into it. I found hope and courage, but more importantly, I established the two most important relationships I never thought possible. One with myself and the other with the God of my understanding.

In February of 2011, my beautiful, once filled with life twenty year old nephew died of a heroin overdose. He was as close to me as my own three sons. I thought my heart would never recover. I was again devastated by another loss. I hit my knees like never before. Lord, how much more are You going to remove from my life? I cannot fucking take one more tragedy. Enough, I yelled to the sky! It was in that depletion from my heartbreak that as I became angry at God, I drew closer to Him. I quit fighting and resisting His comfort and chose to walk with Him. I became devoted and fully trusted Him for the very first time. At that moment I obediently turned my will and my life over to Him. I was saved.

By this time I had suffered enough pain and loss that I was not willing to open my heart for another to come in and risk damaging the repairs that the Lord had mended. I continued to seek Him out in everything and relied on Him solely. My life began to change. The healing was coming from the inside out. I poured myself into the spiritual world of recovery and found balance for the first time in my life. Relationships were also being healed and brought to fruition because I have learned to cultivate them with God’s blessings and my offerings. I prayed for His wisdom and guidance for my life. Then one day shortly after losing my nephew, there was a new brokenness presented in my life. It came in the form of a human man.

I was blind to his presence in the early days as I was in turmoil and grief. My blinders were on, heart guarded and I remained obedient as I waited on the Lord to keep filling me up. At some point, this new man very subtly found his way through a crack in my heart. For the very first time in my new life, I didn’t seek out a man to fill my emptiness. I talked to God often about His intentions and will for me. Did You send this man for a reason? The answers revealed were, yes and I was to pour into him the abundance of love the Lord now fills me with because He has promised me an everlasting supply.

Over the course of our friendship and relationship, I have never given up on the man who God instructed me to encourage, support, lift up and love. He has taken my brokenness from me and undone what has harmed me. He has restored my heart a multitude of times. He never gave up on me and always waited patiently for my cooperation. Because of Him, I am more complete than I ever thought possible. My Heavenly Father made me perfect in His image and it is in Him that I seek forgiveness for disparaging His creation of me. I am the blessed one, granted new mercy and grace every day. 

 rumi 2

 tbc (to be continued)…

Advertisements

the goal is to seek forgiveness and gain freedom…

let me go

Truth; the quality or state of being true

I wear my truths on my sleeve. Out of my heart they simply flow. From my lips they depart with ease. The simplicity of this easily, definable word can be astounding to some people. I can never understand why that is.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”. Mark Twain

Bitter; angry, hurt, or resentful because of one’s bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment

There comes a point in life when the stumbling blocks become treacherous to navigate around and discover that maybe it is time to redefine the situation, to see it for what it really is.

“Without our noticing, (it) eats away at our souls, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives”.                                    Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

Forgiveness; the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven

No longer do I want to judge, condemn and convict the actions of another. The prisoner that it really frees is me.

“If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him”.   2 Corinthians 2:5-8 NIV

Acceptance; the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered

Never do I have to like what I choose to accept, but God has granted me the serenity, courage and wisdom to know the difference of that which I cannot change.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”  CS Lewis

strong enough

the silent killer…

CH, you are a good writer, but this is a death sentence. May you seek solace in the One True Lord and King above!

God bless you

^my added touches to anoint my blog^


“The sixteen commandments of poon”

by Chateau Heartiste

I. Never say ‘I Love You’ first

Women want to feel like they have to overcome obstacles to win a man’s heart. They crave the challenge of capturing the interest of a man who has other women competing for his attention, and eventually prevailing over his grudging reluctance to award his committed exclusivity. The man who gives his emotional world away too easily robs women of the satisfaction of earning his love. Though you may be in love with her, don’t say it before she has said it. Show compassionate restraint for her need to struggle toward yin fulfillment. Inspire her to take the leap for you, and she’ll return the favor a thousandfold.

II. Make her jealous

Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually. No girl wants a man that no other woman wants. The partner who harnesses the gale storm of jealousy controls the direction of the relationship.

III. You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority

Forget all those romantic cliches of the leading man proclaiming his undying love for the woman who completes him. Despite whatever protestations to the contrary, women do not want to be “The One” or the center of a man’s existence. They in fact want to subordinate themselves to a worthy man’s life purpose, to help him achieve that purpose with their feminine support, and to follow the path he lays out. You must respect a woman’s integrity and not lie to her that she is “your everything”. She is not your everything, and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

IV. Don’t play by her rules

If you allow a woman to make the rules she will resent you with a seething contempt even a rapist cannot inspire. The strongest woman and the most strident feminist wants to be led by, and to submit to, a more powerful man. Polarity is the core of a healthy loving relationship. She does not want the prerogative to walk all over you with her capricious demands and mercurial moods. Her emotions are a hurricane, her soul a saboteur. Think of yourself as a bulwark against her tempest. When she grasps for a pillar to steady herself against the whipping winds or yearns for an authority figure to foil her worst instincts, it is you who has to be there… strong, solid, unshakeable and immovable.

V. Adhere to the golden ratio

Give your woman 2/3 of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less. The idea behind the golden ratio is twofold — it establishes your greater value by making her chase you, and it demonstrates that you have the self-restraint to avoid getting swept up in her personal dramas. Refraining from reciprocating everything she does for you in equal measure instills in her the proper attitude of belief in your higher status. In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.

VI. Keep her guessing

True to their inscrutable natures, women ask questions they don’t really want direct answers to. Woe be the man who plays it straight — his fate is the suffering of the beta. Evade, tease, obfuscate. She thrives when she has to imagine what you’re thinking about her, and withers when she knows exactly how you feel. A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly. Reward her good behavior intermittently and unpredictably and she will never tire of working hard to please you.

VII. Always keep two in the kitty

Never allow yourself to be a “kept man”. A man with options is a man without need. It builds confidence and encourages boldness with women if there is another woman, a safety net, to catch you in case you slip and risk a breakup, divorce, or a lost prospect, leading to loneliness and a grinding dry spell. A woman knows once she has slept with a man she has abdicated a measure of her power; when she has fallen in love with him she has surrendered nearly all of it. But love is ephemeral and with time she may rediscover her power and threaten to leave you. It is her final trump card. Withdrawing all her love and all her body in an instant will rend your soul if you are faced with contemplating the empty abyss alone. Knowing there is another you can turn to for affection will fortify your will and satisfy your manhood.

VIII. Say you’re sorry only when absolutely necessary

Do not say you’re sorry for every wrong thing you do. It is a posture of submission that no man should reflexively adopt, no matter how alpha he is. Apologizing increases the demand for more apologies. She will come to expect your contrition, like a cat expects its meal at a set time each day. And then your value will lower in her eyes. Instead, if you have done something wrong, you should acknowledge your guilt in a glancing way without resorting to the actual words “I’m sorry.” Pull the Bill Clinton maneuver and say “Mistakes were made” or tell her you “feel bad” about what you did. You are granted two freebie “I’m sorry”s for the life of your relationship; use them wisely.

IX. Connect with her emotions

Set yourself apart from other men and connect with a woman’s emotional landscape. Her mind is an alien world that requires deft navigation to reach your rendezvous. Frolic in the surf of emotions rather than the arid desert of logic. Be playful. Employ all your senses. Describe in lush detail scenarios to set her heart afire. Give your feelings freedom to roam. ROAM. Yes, that is a good word. You’re not on a linear path with her. You are ROAMING all over, taking her on an adventure. In this world, there is no need to finish thoughts or draw conclusions. There is only need to EXPERIENCE. You’re grabbing her hand and running with her down an infinite, labyrinthine alleyway with no end, laughing and letting your fingers glide on the cobblestone walls along the way.

X. Ignore her beauty

The man who trains his mind to subdue the reward centers of his brain when reflecting upon a beautiful female face will magically transform his interactions with women. His apprehension and self-consciousness will melt away, paving the path for more honest and self-possessed interactions with the objects of his desire. This is one reason why the greatest lotharios drown in more love than they can handle — through positive experiences with so many beautiful women they lose their awe of beauty and, in turn, their powerlessness under its spell. It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on. Instead, say to yourself “she’s interesting” or “she might be worth getting to know”. Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t fucking. Turn off that part of your brain that wants to put them on pedestals. Further advanced training to reach this state of unawed Zen transcendence is to sleep with many MANY attractive women (try to avoid sleeping with a lot of ugly women if you don’t want to regress). Soon, a Jedi lover you will be.

XI.  Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

XII.  Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses

In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dance floor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.

XIII. Err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little

Touching a woman inappropriately on the first date will get you further with her than not touching her at all. Don’t let a woman’s faux indignation at your boldness sway you; they secretly love it when a man aggressively pursues what he wants and makes his sexual intentions known. You don’t have to be an asshole, but if you have no choice, being an inconsiderate asshole beats being a polite beta, every time.

XIV. Fuck her good

Fuck her like it’s your last fuck. And hers. Fuck her so good, so hard, so wantonly, so profligately that she is left a quivering, sparking mass of shaking flesh and sex fluids. Drain her of everything, then drain her some more. Kiss her all over, make love to her all night, and hold her close in the morning. Own her body, own her gratitude, own her love. If you don’t know how, learn to give her squirting orgasms.

XV. Maintain your state control

You are an oak tree. You will not be manipulated by crying, yelling, lying, head games, sexual withdrawal, jealousy ploys, pity plays, shit tests, hot/cold/hot/cold, disappearing acts, or guilt trips. She will rain and thunder all around you and you will shelter her until her storm passes. She will not drag you into her chaos or uproot you. When you have mastery over yourself, you will have mastery over her.

XVI.  Never be afraid to lose her

You must not fear. Fear is the love-killer. Fear is the ego-triumph that brings abject loneliness. You will face your fear. You will permit it to pass over and through you. And when your ego-fear is gone you will turn and face your lover, and only your heart will remain. You will walk away from her when she has violated your integrity, and you will let her walk when her heart is closed to you. She who can destroy you, controls you. Don’t give her that power over yourself. Love yourself before you love her.

***

The closer you follow the letter of these commandments, the easier you will find and keep real, true unconditional love and happiness in your life.

Best,

Your Lord and King

reblogged from Chateau Heartiste


*again, my added touches to anoint my blog*

      warfare     spiritual warfare

 

the unequally yoked kitty and her former Sir…

bvnbbanner2

A kitty’s self-worth has been on trial for some time now. The defendant found guilty of constantly proving her right to be in the presence of the one she loved. Persecuted and condemned for falling short. Then humiliated, shamed, rejected and disciplined for not doing better. The daunting tasks of living up to high, unobtainable expectations placed upon her were more clear from the drive behind them. Somehow the plaintiff’s own bad behavior was supposed to be condoned according to her former Sir.

Galatians 5:19

  • The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Perhaps in your mind it gave you permission to string this kitty along by keeping her guessing and wondering what was wrong with her. The lie is, she wasn’t everything you ever needed. The truth is, she was more than you ever deserved. Where was your trial, condemnation and judgement? I have the easy answer to these, they didn’t exist. I never had a judgement police uniform on that gave me the right to convict you of wrongdoings. Why? Because my offerings came with unconditional love. Now I ask, where is your salvation and redemption? Do you know who your Redeemer is? “So sad, poor thing”…

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

  •  Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

All the gains from this treacherous world amount to nothing if you are not seeking the One that holds the treasures and blessings to an abundant and wholesome life of fulfillment. Because you subscribe to the manosphere’s insidious notions to “fuck as much pussy as possible”, your fate and destiny have been sealed for making a pact with the evil one.

1 John 2:15-17

  • Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.

Aside from the fact that is the behavior and mentality of a 20 or even 30-year-old,  at your age doll, you pretty well created the recipe for alone~ness. You WILL end up being that man sitting at what once was our table at the Hong Kong, by yourself. You had every part of me from the beginning to the end. The problem was, you were too terrified of falling under the trap of oneitis and that trance kept you from the best thing that could have ever happened to you and for you. “So sad, poor thing”…

Galatians 5:22

  • But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.  Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

the good book

B (asic) I (nstructions) B (efore) L (eaving) E (arth)

the can’s and cannot’s…

burning heart
Today is not the day I will stop loving you.
Today is not the day I will forgive you.
Today is not the day I will understand you.
Today is not the day I will forget your words.
Today is not the day I will heal.
Today is not the day I will have peace around this.
Today is not the day I will be unattached.
Today is not the day I will close my eyes and not see the visions.
Today is not the day I will feel this all a bad dream.
Today is not the day I will forget what I should not be remembering.
Today is not the day I will let it all go.
Today is not the day I will make revolve around you.

 

loveforgiveness 2

However…               

Today is a day I will still love you.
Today is a day I will seek to start forgiving you.
Today is a day I will attempt to understand you.
Today is a day I will attempt to forget cruel words spoken by you.
Today is a day I will begin to heal.
Today is a day I will allow peace within.
Today is a day I will try my hand at detaching with love.
Today is a day I will close my eyes and smile thinking about parts of you.
Today is a day I will hope to one day be in acceptance.
Today is a day I will remember what I should not forget.
Today is a day I will strive to let a piece of this go.
Today is my day and it will begin with me.
love on fire

finding closure within something I never wanted to close…

dom and sub

I’ll stop crying when my tears dry up. I’ll stop wallowing when the waves stop taking me under. I’ll stop feeling the pain when my heart is mended and has been restored. I’ll stop talking about this when there’s nothing left to say.

Until these things come to pass, I am where I am.

I am left with this as the ending to our self entitled story, “my Sir and His kitty”;

“Of all the relationships ever in my life I would have sworn on the good book that we would have never stood a chance of ending up here. I’m sorry to have hurt you.” (former Sir)

Touching? Soothing? hmmm, the correct answer is, no. If I were to share the hurtful words that preceded this final statement from my former Sir, I feel confident you would concur. However, it is not within my capabilities to put those intimate details out to the world, regardless of my anonymity here, but just know, they cut me deeply.

Here I am, spun in confusion and sitting in disbelief still. Moments of clarity come in the reflective times. Sadness often prevails when a memory is sparked by a fleeting thought or a vision of a place we spent time together. I am learning to manage my feelings by simply allowing them to come. As much as I want to rebuke them because they are so uncomfortable, I try to embrace each one as my only means of escape.

Sir, former as you are now,  no longer am I going to give you the power to destroy my self-worth. Done are my desperate, weak attempts that directed me to relentlessly prove myself to you and for you. I was depleted of my dignity as I settled into acceptance of you being deemed the ruler of us.

My final sentiments I sent to you from my heart;

“All I ever wanted was to be yours and yours alone. I’m just sorry that wasn’t all you ever wanted of me too”.  (His former kitty)

 moon

me

my heart please be changed…

So I wasn’t everything you ever wanted or solely who you needed, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough, nor worthy of all I deserved and needed.

self bondage

Somewhere along the way that was the message received. I pushed harder to fit inside the illusion of who you wanted me to be. I was continually met with resistance and couldn’t understand why. Story of my life darlin’; “if I only do more, be more, try more, I will succeed in performing right for you and then be accepted and loved”. All of which are contradictory to everything I have worked so hard to escape from these past 11 years. 

I am praying to be finished with dwelling in the pain and defeat. I ask God to lift these feelings of discouragement and remove them. I know who I am and I know Whose I am.. The systems of my life I have operated in, have been a small series of men all of whom I endured verbal abuse from. 

The way it has been is not the way it has to stay. God did not make me faulty and He will not participate in a path of self-destruction. He has nothing but grand intentions for me. When will I pay attention and be obedient solely to Him? It is time to stop allowing the enemy opportunities to create spiritual warfare on my soul. He is crafty, that one and works his evil ways on the insides of others, but my God is bigger!

Contentment is what I strive for today. Without it I will continually seek fulfillment from outside sources, ensuring the bondage of self.    

3rd step prayer

The Lord continues to reveal more brokenness of you my love, my former Sir, because that’s what I needed to have a better understanding to our finality. Wreckage that has wreaked havoc on someone should never be an excuse for bad behavior, only a reason. 

We are always appointed to be accountable and responsible for our actions. Coming to terms with that is how I escape blame and shame. Acceptance shows up, relieving pain and anger from their positions and being replaced by compassion and forgiveness on the other side.

I am not where I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. If I were, this would be the end of my journey and my final goodbye. No, I will rise up and shine once again, just like before.

My heart may be pierced, tear stains on my cheeks, new scars that will be there to remind me, but my value is intact. It can no more be lessened than it can be increased or determined by another. No one is that powerful.  

psalm 5 6-8

the human side of kitty…

caged heart

a warm body on a dark, lonely night

not caring who he is and that this doesn’t feel right

in the darkness I can’t see, I barely open my eyes

as a hand reaches out to touch me, this is my demise

how did I arrive here, to find myself in this place

just the other day I felt loved, now nothing but disgrace

these arms, they are not a comfort, his hands they feel all wrong

as they move across my body, clearly where they don’t belong

hurt and all alone, it’s my heart that’s crying out

the words they won’t come to my lips, yet give a silent shout

why wasn’t I all you ever needed, I ask the question again

dread and fear wash over, as he pushes himself within

tears begin to spill out, this is not the lady I want to be

with a final gasp he rolls over, suddenly I’m free

regret 2

filling the deep emptiness, I am sickened by who I have become

feeling ashamed and crushed by what I have just done

wanting him to leave, quickly get out the door

needing to be alone with my sadness and feel the pain once more

it happened in an instant, almost like a dream

I drifted through the air, then my body began to scream

in total revolt, his smell it washed away

begging The Lord for His forgiveness on this dark and dreary day

a moment of pure weakness, temptation sought me out

my suffering temporarily put to ease

now my mind is full of doubt

who is this hurting girl, acting out in this way

she feels betrayed and lost but that’s no excuse today

the hot water turns colder while thoughts still linger in her mind

run these feelings through she scolds, as the tape begins to rewind

she starts to punish herself, then makes a promise to the sky

never again will she lessen her self~worth 

but rather lift herself on high

her bed that once only knew, the smell and caress of Sir

now what has she done, nothing feels or seems sure

though her body is cleansed, her mind it runs deep

regret and remorse settle in while she slowly drifts off to sleep

as the sun awakens her from rest that is so rare

it occurs to this kitty, that what seemed so real

was indeed a whore~ish nightmare

bad dream

a lost kitty…

sad kitty

Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.

He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?

As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and  her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.

The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.

Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.

Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear.  How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.

As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.

We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.

Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are  his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.

For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.

In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.

It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…

trust in the Lord

grammar lessons or is it lessens…

self talk

Words that continue to play in the mind of this broken-spirited girl…

Manipulate; control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously

Obsolete; effaced by wearing down or away.

Deceive; to mislead by a false appearance or statement; delude

Mislead; to lead or guide wrongly; lead astray.

Delude; to mislead the mind or judgment of; deceive:

Harsh; grim or unpleasantly severe; stern; cruel

Cruel; rigid; stern; strict; unrelentingly severe

Erroneous; straying from what is moral, decent, proper

Crush; to press or squeeze with a force that destroys or deform

Temptation; the fact or state of being tempted, especially to evil

rumi

Time to write a new script…

Truth; actuality or actual existence

Integrity; adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

Honesty; truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness

Dedicated; wholly committed to something

Trust; a person on whom or thing on which one relies

Sincerity; freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; probity in intention or in communicating; earnestness

Devotion; profound dedication

Affirming; to express agreement with or commitment to; uphold; support

Worthy; having adequate or great merit, character, or value

Esteem; to value, to consider important

Love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

tears

This too shall pass…