My heart has felt pain before. It has been torn and shredded to a state of which I imagined restoration wasn’t possible. I was proven wrong when I cried out to The Lord, “Please take this from me!” He didn’t allow the suffering to continue, but instead a new understanding arose in that, God never does anything TO me, but rather FOR me. Out of the ashes, beauty remains, always. I am certain this time, if a contest were held, I would take the biggest prize for the most beautifully erected creature that was birthed from such ashes.
The intensity that comes from a broken heart can feel unbearable. Self created illusions that dilute reality of what is, can be the largest form of self-destruction. When ill intent is placed upon one person in a relationship and was defined by that one, it leaves the other to sit and wonder in uncertainty and the damage is irreversible. Only by the miracle of His Holiness can the healing happen.
What the fuck is this girl talking about? Do specifics even matter when a heartache is mentioned? It is a universal feeling where most breathing humans can nod in agreement without needing details of what encounters took place. I am not in the business of smearing my personal agony of defeat for public knowledge, but if I talk around it enough, you get the idea, my fucking heart is screaming out in pain!
Was He “interested in hurting me”? (God, I am sick of hearing that) He is quick to respond, “No.” My quicker response is, “Then stop!” Too late. Lying by omission, I am pretty damn sure in the eyes of The Lord, is still lying. Punishable? Condemnation? Convicted? Not likely, because God is in the business of forgiving. He knows the story from the end to the beginning, He is not surprised by any of this, so couldn’t You have clued me in sooner? God, You always have my heart and soul. Did I not listen to You? Miss the signs and subtle clues? Ignore my natural instincts? The correct answer to all is, YES! I put my trust in You Lord and have never been let down. I did however, give complete control over to flesh, giving him the power to destroy and he did.
I have prayed repeatedly, I believe and declare, You sent this man to me, broken in the start and need of some repair. My promise I gave was, I would never give up on him. Devotion and honor, I stood on Your word as You held me high, assuring me I would not fall. Guess what? The ground underneath is rough and brittle with jagged rocks all around. It hurt when I fell, was dragged for miles and didn’t have enough presence of mind to let go long ago the way he did. I held on so tightly to what I thought was true. Dedicated, honest and loving You reminded me to be. Willingly obedient was what I became, now look where I stand, crumbled. I may be knocked down, but I am not down forever.
Where was the commitment I am deserving of? The love that was shown through actions fell short and is clearly nonexistent in my eyes now. Did I imagine all his glorious wondrous things that were delivered to me? Without a doubt, they occurred, but with an attachment of my own self creation only. Do I make clear that I want what I want? Absolutely and to my own detriment I have been told time and time again. I am first a child of God. I have royalty in my DNA and am entitled to be treated as such, with loving kindness and nothing short of that. So why the fuck would I settle for less?
I apologized to God in advance for using such profanity and proclaiming His name and promises together in this painful rant. He has already forgiven me and I praise Him for that.
Where in the hell is all of this going? I have no fucking idea, because at this point I feel directionless, lost and confused as fuck. Hurt and angry along with a whole gamut of feelings. The list goes on as does the rant. It is as relentless as the verbal attacks that have challenged my self value. Apparently my conscious choice of living in denial has served no other purpose but to do its one and only mission, to bite me in the ass yet again.
It has long been my experience that in order to walk away from something that I want more than anything in this world, I have to be this devastated and then angry before I can change the behavior. No shit! That is the equivalence to hitting the bottom of a rock hard surface where landing on my ass hurts less than the actual act of letting go of the rope.
In asking him the question a multitude of times, “Why did you keep me around so long???” I was met with what I would like to believe were honest and heartfelt, however generic responses. Can you elaborate on and define what “feelings” mean to you, because I am quite certain our interpretations are very different. Is it because the female rationale verses the male directive clouds this area every time? You know I loathe more than anything to be grouped as, “all girls think that way, behave and react that way”. No, I am a uniquely made lady that my Creator molded perfect in His image. I will say the same of you, if you ask me.
Did I just brake hard, turn right and flip a B in the middle here? Yes, I believe I did. Bear with me, it is exactly how my fucked up brain is operating right now. The system is on overload, while the heart and head have entered the battle zone awaiting for the war to end. The, what feels like a ten foot drop between the two, cannot ever agree what is best for me. They often leave me to my own devices to figure the muddled mess out. When that rarely works out to my advantage, I stop, drop and pray. This time, it is more like run, drag and scream. However it comes out, The Divine One hears my cries.
Is there a fucking end to this rant? I don’t know. Is there an end to this excruciating heartache? That is the question of the hour, as well as the past 24 and likely what may feel like an eternity. Praise God there is no time limit on how quickly or slowly I vomit this crap out of my brain until it is out. The ultimate goal is just that, to relieve myself of every ounce of the toxic thoughts swarming around inside telling me lie upon lie. “Get the fuck out” is what I shout, yet here they are. Planted by a cruel person from the past and dredged up by feelings of defeat from the present day.
I chose not to direct one ill word to or about the person from which this is all derived from. Out of absolute respect on the one hand, but on the other hand, because I too have a part in this. I am still examining what that is exactly and so far what I have come up with is, I was a willing participant. As much as I want to call bullshit on his part where he is justifying, that isn’t up to me. Does it affect me? More than words can say. I made an investment with my whole self, both feet, look heart, no hands style. Regret? Remorse? Revolt? Retaliate? Not who I am today.
I am guilty of love, tried and convicted, nothing more, nothing less. So fuck me for caring, needing and wanting you all to myself.
We are where we are, broken and undone
I loved You then and I love You still
I love you now and I always will…