finding closure within something I never wanted to close…

dom and sub

I’ll stop crying when my tears dry up. I’ll stop wallowing when the waves stop taking me under. I’ll stop feeling the pain when my heart is mended and has been restored. I’ll stop talking about this when there’s nothing left to say.

Until these things come to pass, I am where I am.

I am left with this as the ending to our self entitled story, “my Sir and His kitty”;

“Of all the relationships ever in my life I would have sworn on the good book that we would have never stood a chance of ending up here. I’m sorry to have hurt you.” (former Sir)

Touching? Soothing? hmmm, the correct answer is, no. If I were to share the hurtful words that preceded this final statement from my former Sir, I feel confident you would concur. However, it is not within my capabilities to put those intimate details out to the world, regardless of my anonymity here, but just know, they cut me deeply.

Here I am, spun in confusion and sitting in disbelief still. Moments of clarity come in the reflective times. Sadness often prevails when a memory is sparked by a fleeting thought or a vision of a place we spent time together. I am learning to manage my feelings by simply allowing them to come. As much as I want to rebuke them because they are so uncomfortable, I try to embrace each one as my only means of escape.

Sir, former as you are now,  no longer am I going to give you the power to destroy my self-worth. Done are my desperate, weak attempts that directed me to relentlessly prove myself to you and for you. I was depleted of my dignity as I settled into acceptance of you being deemed the ruler of us.

My final sentiments I sent to you from my heart;

“All I ever wanted was to be yours and yours alone. I’m just sorry that wasn’t all you ever wanted of me too”.  (His former kitty)

 moon

me

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4 thoughts on “finding closure within something I never wanted to close…

  1. Your words touch me deeply, for I have had the same exchange. I have felt the same. Not enough to be his alone. I have heard “sorry, I never meant to do this to you” as well. I had to turn that around, because I put my ALL into being enough just as you did. It wasn’t me. I am MORE than enough for most men. It was him. He was not enough of a man at the time to deserve ALL of me. He may have never “meant” to do this to you, but he did, he made the decisions he did, and you weren’t consulted. The sadness that creeps in, those times will gradually come further and further apart, and last a shorter and shorter time. Find something, any small thing of joy, and celebrate it. It will help balance the sorrow.

    • This is exactly why I pour my heart out here. The love and understanding that comes back with an empathetic tone keeps me walking in faith and swimming in courage that my heart will one day mend. I am in such turmoil at this very moment, missing him. Our friendship is what we started on followed by true intimacy as we shared so much of our broken parts from the beginning. That is another difficulty, to have that just severed as if it never existed. That was not an illusion, only that he never truly gave me as much of him as I gave of myself.

      Thank you so much for sharing how you can relate. It helps to know others have had similar experiences. It gives me strength and hope! ❤

  2. Your former Sir has lost his Moon and Stars, but will be blind to see it for some time. But one day it will hit him, and it’s my hope and prayer for you that you will be whole enough, and strong enough to tell him to move out of your way, that he is no longer good enough for you!

    Hugs, Mynx

    • Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. It is in my greatest sorrow that I hit my knees and cry out. For a person who is spiritually deficient or worse, bankrupt, it becomes more of a challenge to seek out and find strength in self revelation because living a life of self righteousness serves them better. The more he can focus on me and all my defects that “don’t work for him”, the less he is required to look at his own, in theory. I have been on a continuum of self improvement for over a quarter of my life and I shall be till the end. Praise The Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I pray for him to find the best reason for him to do the same thing, himself. He is a soul worth working on and being saved, but if he never asks and believes, he won’t receive. Not my business…(((sigh)))

      Thank you for your words as always SS! ❤

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