“it” aka love…

“it” made sense once

no longer is “it” in my capabilities to grasp

“it” made sense a little

anger emerged erasing components of comprehending “it”

“it” makes no sense at all

reasoning things out demolished my thinking of it” in absolutes

“it” isn’t supposed to make sense in the least

my ramblings onit” resemble scrambled brains inside my skull

can’t blame it” on the senselessness 

is “IT a precarious fucked up notion

in this very second

at this precise moment

on this all-consuming day

I still say

fuck no

“IT” is not!

“it” IS worth the time and effort

“it” IS worth the risk

“it” IS worth crossing over

I love you

 

 

 

 

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what happens now…

the work in front of me is solely in my hand 

though exciting and difficult will take me where I need to stand

this layer has been peeled slow and savagely

excruciating at times uncovering secret portions of me 

embedded deep down waiting to arrive 

lost for so long just trying to survive

how did she compact herself that deeply in her soul

time to come out and embrace the life that she may finally know
breaking free of the shackles once timid and so shy
wanting to stretch her untamed wings so she can start to fly
what was it all about the heaviness on her heart
tangled up in her shame burdens that kept her in doubt
the subtle remarks became an everyday expression
how unimportant she seemed a lifetime of feeling less than
where had she gone her identity slipped away
only to be seen if she was pleasing you each and every day
the story of her life her earliest recollections age three
 if she had just done more she could know how to just be
consumed with all the memories that were haunting in her mind
it took loving you for them to at last become untied
wondering and struggling why this unsettling behavior
a deep yearning for direction and love from this man to be her earthly savior
for the first time in this life someone truly cared
has taken the time to seek beyond took a chance because he dared
sorting through her wounds the mask under which she would hide
with his patience he did find the broken little girl hidden deep inside
this man who has encompassed her as a blessing for a reason
 lifting her up to move forward and walk through this tough season
it was in losing her that she lost him of which she cannot deny
not the isolated events nor her willingness to try
the excavation is underway a complete overhaul it may take
every broken part of her she prays for The Lord to remake
the valleys still to walk through the mountains left to climb
a soul worthy of love a spirit to refine
the goal for this lady keep pressing on till she reaches the other side
encountering bumps and jagged rocks but oh what a fucking ride
surfin kitty

when understanding finds a way in…

a lifetime of feeling lost judge not what you cannot comprehend

relate perhaps to the longing for him to take my hand

       lost girl

 until I came to the end of me

no one could shine a light bright enough to see

ah ha

there it lurks the painful dark corners of my past

open and honest the truth revealed at last

lost baby girl

the strength is in the letting go it is the only way

 the damage that’s been done need not hurt me today

your gracious ability to understanding my part

means more than this world and has changed my heart

the fire exit is blocked…

Stuck inside my own polluted mind. Seeking freedom from consuming thoughts stealing my joy, robbing my peace. Again I lay out the escape route, trapped by mistakes that were simple to change, if only, what if I weren’t afraid…of what? Asking, talking, reaping, sowing.

Today I will escape, make a new route, remove the barriers that only I erected inside my mind, dangerous to wander alone. What is the new plan, direction, meaning to this life? Self talk of value, courage, strength and acceptance. I tell my self, do it afraid, the zone is safe.

Risk in love, protection from fear factors, leap of faith, tear it down, build it up, do it anyway, step out, plunge, push forward, look back in small glimpses, don’t stare, wallow not, cherish often, remember graciously, dwell in fruition, grow in knowledge, through it all hold love close.

Insanity the dance, only one partner hears the music, one keeps the beat, change the tempo. My thoughts, my power to cultivate, no one wants to dance alone. Will he cut in once more?

Deserving, worthy, special, important, content, irreplaceable, loving.

exit is clear, get out there, conquer your part of the world, no one’s doing it for you…

during the hardest times…

the dream is always the same

I awake calling your name

unspoken words things that were left unsaid

days are passing by every hour fills with dread

where was my lack of trust in knowing that you care

fear became my enemy expression I did not dare

now I am left holding my heart in my hand

uncertain of anything except for where we stand

alone in the darkness so quiet and empty

the deceiver so taunting comes around to hurt me

I write it out on paper my words seem so healing

as always before me you know how I’m feeling

take care of myself my body soul and mind

to thine own self be true honest loving and kind

this doesn’t make sense how we got to this place

so much to still share yet you are gone without a trace

when will the sadness stop that is deep within me

another day is unfolding yet I cannot clearly see

I always thought we were worth trying for

the love I have in my heart is for you the man I adore

I asked for a measure of time to clean up what remains

to put what’s been done to rest our foundation to sustain

leave nothing unfinished in an instant it could all be gone

then what is left but sorrow and regret for all that is still undone

the timing must not be right to go through this next part

until the peace washes over me I cannot speak my heart

for now I will keep walking through each and every day

it will come in perfect order just what we need to say

 

I love you just means I love you…

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul

It’s everyday in the mundane part of life where there is so much activity, that I am trying to treasure the small segments of peaceful times. I can get so uncomfortable alone with my thoughts. The silence screams don’t just sit there, get busy. Shhhhh~

 

I added a fourth day to my workout, squeeze in a short hike the other days, attend two spiritual meetings a week, help lead a single moms bible study, have regularly scheduled home visits with clients, follow-up on referrals, keep daily contact with my sub contractors, conduct weekly case management with them, invoicing, weekly payroll distribution, one afternoon a week of Grammy and Zobo time, a check in with my three sons here and there, in between all of this I make time for fellowshipping with a few sisters, cultivate the healthy relationships in my life, work on my own recovery, meet with my sponsor, pay close attention to what I eat, cook my meals, and finally, make time for my blog. Whew~

What does my brain want from me? I am only one person with so much inside to bring out and pay attention to. Let me be still when I need to. I’ve walked a long road to get to this place of Serenity. Love is all I want to fill me up today. It is what keeps me going, why I get up every day, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. I thank the Good Lord for His love and blessing me through my glorious days, even in the storms. Hmmm~

I found balance in a world that never made sense before. Discovered ways to mend the parts of me in need of repair. Learned to stand on my own two feet. Even when I thought I would break, God promised he would only let me bend. I was torn completely down in order to begin to be built back up. No longer did I feel that I lost the things I thought mattered in my life. Instead I came to believe and trust that God Himself removed for me what I could not do for myself. His plan of protection was to simplify my life and make it more manageable. I was learning to love myself. At last~

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love

Miracles were performed before my very eyes. Life was beginning to work for me, smoothly, gently, full of abundance and yes, love. I was becoming restored, feeling worthy for the first time. Hope replaced doubt, faith interrupted feelings of fear, courage took over my despair, strength stepped in when I felt weak, all because God covered me in love. Celebrate~

At last my heart began to feel whole. So much so it was overflowing. I understood what tears of joy felt like as God continued to move things around. As my insides began to match my outsides I was feeling in alignment for the first time. The extraction process was painful, but through it all I was never alone. Love helped me endure what was being undone. Amazed~

Proverbs 21:21 He who pursues righteousness and love

finds life, prosperity and honor 

Days still come when I fall apart and forget to seek in Him that unfailing, everlasting love. It is only in Him I have learned how to love unconditionally. Today I can say I love you because it is placed upon my gentled, changed heart. Often I ask myself, if you were no longer in my life, could I live with myself for these unspoken simple three words? The answer always comes back definitely no, I could not. Tomorrow may come and be one day too late. Regret~

love you because you are a part of me. We’ve been connected through the One true source. His good, honorable intentions for us on our walk is to give and receive love. Everything that is of the world gets in the way. Rejoice~

Psalm 33:5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;

the earth is full of his unfailing love

 

 

 

nothing changes if nothing changes…

 

How often I have heard this, expression I guess it would be called, and used to think what does that really mean. It caused me pause and many moments of contemplated thoughts. It seems like a fairly short and simple statement to grasp. However, one would need to be willing to change in order to understand and appreciate the value in these words.

Long ago when my life was a living hell, full of chaos and uncertainty, my attitude was all about change. If only he would adjust to my ways, life would work better. Why can’t she see my point of view and do things better. I expected the world around me to make all the sacrifices so I would be more comfortable. How well that worked out for me.

It all came down to choices I soon came to find out. You mean I can choose to live this way or that? These weren’t the lessons I was taught. I observed and learned from my first teacher to accept everything as it was. Changing things was not an option, enduring them was the only choice. What a grand way to start a life with these amazing broken tools.

Off into the small world I grew up in, I learned to isolate early on. It was safer to stay inside my four walls of comfort where no one could reach me. I needed be invisible so I could remain the same. The only thing changing was the natural process of me growing up, while my insides became more confused.

The small town I grew up in wasn’t very different from when I was a young girl to the time I graduated high school. I was content but as much as I thought I wanted to break out, I was afraid to leave. One day my best friend and I thought that a change would do us good. So we took a leap, packed our things and moved 50 miles away to the closest city. One with a shopping mall, fast food on every corner and a freeway.

Feeling quite mature and somewhat more free, we discovered there was more to life than working at a fast food chain, cruising the loop of our tiny little town on the weekends, sunbathing at our favorite swimming hole and hanging out with the guys because there was nothing better to do. Content yet bored, there had to be something better than this.

We both found new adventures waiting for us as we parted ways geographically, but remained best friends even still.  That would never change. Both of us got married within a few short years, one month apart. Added together we had five sons between us. While she stayed happily married and in the same home with her wonderful, little flourishing family, I was in a constant state of change. Oh the roller coaster this man took me on. What other choice did I have? I was stuck.

By the time we made a circle in all the different small cities over a period of six years, I found myself right back where it all began. The familiar smell of the pine trees, clean air, majestic mountains and now two stop lights, I was back home. A place I never wanted to return. Happiness was this place in my rearview mirror, for a brief moment in time.

Come to find out later, all this moving around was merely us running from ourselves, me escaping me, but everywhere we went, there we were, he was and I was dying inside. Back in my what once was my safe haven, I began to hide out once again. This is my life. Deal with it, and that I did. Miserable and breaking, angry and unsatisfied, I found ways to survive.

My sons became my only source for joy and a means to escape from the turmoil residing within. My focus completely on them while I waited for their dad to change so I might feel anything other than hopeless. obsessed with his comings and goings, the frequencies were happening more often now. His drinking consumed him and I was losing myself as I sunk deeper into the darkness of despair.

My best friend’s home was my only means of refuge, but it was now two and almost a half hours away. That required a skillful way of scraping enough gas money together to load up my three joys and run away, at least for a weekend. The ease I felt just being there. In the presence of what I could only imagine normal might look like. The tension I carried seldom allowed me to relax. The five little boys with all their energy, exhausted me, but my frustrations and tears were understood here.

Dread set in every mile I drove to return to that place I now called home again. What other choice did I have? I felt trapped, unloved by this man I chose to marry. After all, if he truly did love me, he would change. The play was a continuance of my childhood just with different actors now. I was destined for this life that contained people who were consumed by the drink.

A martyr was born. She was always in there, but now she had blossomed and played her role well. Forced to come out of the background when my oldest son started school, I actually made a few friends. How refreshing and at the same time, foreign to be in the company of some positive energy. Soon I couldn’t get enough and found ways to be around it more.

I wanted to be like these seemingly happy people, so I soaked up what I could and held on tight. Not knowing what or how it happened, but I felt a little spark inside that shifted something. I think it was the possibility of thriving instead of surviving. Maybe there is a way. For the first time, I began to hope.

Six homes, a one year separation, multiple disappointments, constant let downs, agony, defeat, his DUI and arrest, a brief period of homelessness, fearful and hopeless, many years later, ten to be exact, I came to a crossroad. I realized it had been me all along that needed to make a change if I wanted anything to actually be different. I chose life, but what did that look like?

I had only ever known misery and it was a demented, familiar comfort. I was petrified as I walked in the door. A room full of strangers in a make shift church, but in a strange way I felt at rest. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control and you will never cure it.” I was hooked and relieved. Those three little “C’s” gave me the freedom I had longed for my entire life. Those that were consumed by their addictions weren’t going to change unless they wanted to. I was soon going to find out that no matter what I did, I was just not that powerful.

As long as I continue to do what I have always done,

I will continue to get what I have always gotten

growth

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

 TBC…

 

 

 

 

 

truth is the powerful medicine…

Sitting on the porch, the cars randomly pass by every few minutes.  Taking an upper road, the less traveled one to avoid our small town congestion I suppose. With every sound of an engine revving to climb up and then squeaky brakes from those descending down the hill, I glance up to the sound of each of them searching for the familiar truck. Wishing things hadn’t come unraveled leaving us where we are, torn apart from misunderstandings and frustrations.

Mr. Blue Bird weaves through the aging beams, grazing the blooming flowers I planted to bring life into my small, now quiet, unsettled world. Landing on the propane tank, he gives a look in my direction as if to say a whimsical hello. A smile arose for his efforts that hadn’t gone unnoticed. Away he flew to carry and spread his joy to the next lonely heart attempting to heal.
Faithful Mr. Sunshine in all his glory, is beating down on every part of my body, bronzing me more while warming me on this already tepid day. He is always a welcome visitor in my life. An occasional darting of the bees and wasps dipping in the bottom of the planters, seeking refuge from the heat as they quench their thirst. The front door wide open, Christian music pouring out at a reasonable decibel, but just enough to fill my soul with the messages that are singing to my heart.
The blessings of this day running through my head, I count them one by one. My thoughts carry me away to tend to the screenplay on pause. The rewind button broke, a miracle no doubt, but the continuous play goes on forever. “If only” is up for an audition along with “what if” as it’s understudy.
How different life could have been…
trailing off again when…
“Hello my name is regret” interrupts the party in my head. “I’m pretty sure we have met. Every single day of your life, I’m the whisper inside that won’t let you forget. Hello my name is defeat, I’m sure you recognize me. Just when you think you can win I’ll drag you right back down again till you’ve lost all belief. Oh these are the voices oh these are the lies and I have believed them for the very last time! Hello my name is child of the One true King, I’ve been saved I’ve been changed I have been set free, Amazing Grace is the song I sing. Hello my name is the child of the One true King!”
Like cold water splashed on my face, his words took me out of my head, back to counting, where was I? Yes, three, four, five…the simply extraordinary wonders that came to rescue me in the moment reminding me my Father will always meet me right where I am.
Your letter I was able to finish today. More healing to be gained, as I bared my naked soul once more to you, confident in my truths, my heart revealing acceptance and ownership of my part. Praying over it, desiring to share it with you as I wait for the moment to present itself. 
sonora
Conscious of my breathing, my wonderfully sore, semi~achy muscles, the pain remaining yet diminishing in my knee, tummy that wants to be fed, exhaustion of my weary self, eyes itchy from the blooming world around me, I gaze up to take notice, number six, the view overlooking this busy little town from this aging front porch of mine. Quiet and serene, the occasional honk, a siren or two, the neighborhood dogs riled up from the sounds, the lull of the breeze dashing through the lush, wild, eclectic landscape, now cooling me down.
I drift off again to escape in my mind
lovers 2
I think of you…
 and wonder if you are still missing me too?