I am not ashamed to admit, my struggle continues…


I have a particular ass~signment that was suggested I complete for me to get to the other side of this emotional pain and discomfort from my heartache. I took the single sheet of paper out tonight for probably the fifth time. As I looked at it with more determination this time, I vowed to accomplish the daunting task at hand. Try as I may to muster up the courage, the tears poured like the rain outside my window. Again I ask the question, how the fuck am I going to conclude this “closure work” around something I never wanted to be closed in the first place?

Apparently if I do this work, miraculously the nearly three years I invested my heart in will heal just like that? Call me a pessimist, but I am certain it does not quite work like that. There is a process to it that with God and time I will heal. I continue to work a spiritual program of emotional sobriety and one thing I know is, I only get back the amount I am willing to put into anything. I also know that forcing a solution rarely, if ever, works. When I give time ample time, the results will come because of my efforts.

In posing the question to myself, “what spouted off the waterworks that were so incredibly intense this evening”? Aside from the paper that now is tucked away back in my journal for safe hiding, the answers weren’t clear, so I sat with my feelings and just let the tears flow, again. Once they subsided, I began to explore the partitions of my heart. I thought of recent days and realized how alone I feel. Events of life occur, obstacles, challenges, triumphs and successes. Sharing these things with someone makes the frightening parts feel cut in half and the glorious ones seem to double in joy. I feel cheated out of the option to confide and glorify in, or just run them by the one I want to.

I injured myself Friday at the finish line of my warmup mile run just before I was to start my workout at “the box”. I did a pretty damn good job of damaging parts of me if I do say so myself. I managed to get my banged up self to the car, I sat there bleeding, in shock and pain. I began to cry, more because the person I would have first called is no longer available to soothe and comfort me. After a few minutes, I pulled myself together and headed home to clean up.

I had enough presence of mind to send some pictures to my sister. I never shared my emotional state of sadness with her, only my anger at my own stupidity. Then I heard His words in my heart, “Stop. You’re not stupid..shit happens”. Followed by explicit instructions of what to do. I was remaining obedient even in His absence. How does that even work? As I showered, I was writhing in pain from the hot water stinging on my torn skin and swelling leg. While the tears continued to run down my cheeks I wondered what hurt more.

tams eyes

As always, I carried on with the next thing in front of me regardless of the aches that were consuming me. It was a long, quiet drive to my destination. I had entirely too much alone time in the car and could not seem to force the flow of the traffic to pick up its pace. The attempts to push thoughts from my mind were failing me. I cranked the stereo up louder and when I did, the speakers reminded me of repairs that were still in need of attention. Another indicator of unfinished business that will require closure too.

By now I was drowning in a sea of memories, one thought carrying over to another. Signs pointing out realities that are now making sense to me. Clarity I needed, that perhaps confusion kept me safe from at the time. Finally the turn off from the busy highway to a long, lonely country road that was leading me to a place where I’d find my safe haven for the next two nights. A place where just being me is acceptable and I could simply breathe or not, it was completely up to me.

At last the car led me down the familiar road and up the driveway where I could seek solace and comfort. Feeling so much physical pain at this point, I managed to pour my ass out of the car and limp up the sidewalk, open the door and settle in. It was in that very instance that I knew, when God brings me to it, His promise to me is He will get me through it. I stopped beating myself up for lacking the courage to force my way to the other side of this ordeal.

Up to this point in my life, I have walked through an over abundance of emotional pain. By the grace of God I have been learning what it takes to conquer those demons, one foot in front of the other, one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. I pray God, please move me through this with Your mercy and grace, but hurry up about it.

I was reminded today from a warm heart that I “have a good head on my shoulders” and to “stay that way”. 😉 My grateful reply was, “going backwards is not an option”. Those kinds words, along with many others, keep me in right thinking. I am a fulltime job worth paying attention to and I will always be a beautiful new creation in progress. The Lord is faithful within me, His love unfailing and everlasting.

tight hug


4 thoughts on “I am not ashamed to admit, my struggle continues…

  1. Well, here’s a comment you may not enjoy. Perhaps you tried something for three years that had lessons to teach and now they have been taught. I would suggest you look at how much differently this could have turned out and in what ways; not an “it could have been so much worse”exercise, but a “what have I learned about myself” exercise. One of the first questions I wonder about is what compels you to invest yourself so completely and dangerously in another person? We all do that to an extent with someone we love, but when we give so much of ourselves that without the other we have almost no identity, that is the danger. “If I am not living in your service and under your absolute direction, I have no sense of identity.” If your value is in how well you do that job, then when that job is gone, who are you and of what value are you to yourself or others? Perhaps you now have learned where you need to set limits to retain some of “you” that has nothing to do with “him” in a future relationship. If you truly need to wholly invest yourself in someone who will never leave or forsake you, you can always holy invest in God.

    Isaiah 42:16
    I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

    Do not set yourself up for emotional devastation in the future. Any relationship that ends has its share of heartache, but you need to have something of you to take away from it in order to remain healthy. What if you had not had financial resources beyond his to survive on? What if you had invested heavily in a home in his name only? What if you had been relying on him for physical mobility? What if you had distanced all of your family in his name?

    What if you had made him an idol? Or did you?
    Colossians 3:5
    Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
    I am not saying you are evil, but suggesting that with your next relationship you consider how equally yoked you would be with a new other. I see no problem with living in a consensual D/s relationship as a Christian, thought that is not a complete picture of biblical submission, but to make an idol of your relationship with a person who does not know God or Christ is dangerous. Therein lies the danger of evil and immorality.

    Please know I am not judging you. I am only trying to encourage you to use the lessons learned to find someone more deserving of the special gift that is you and what you have to offer. Spend some time with God, maybe find a women’s bible study group to help you get grounded once again and find yourself or get involved in something like Priscilla’s Place. No, not the sex toy stores. It works with girls how have suffered some form of trauma in their lives and they work things out in a Christian-based residential environment. Helping others is often a good way to help yourself heal.

    I can’t be that someone to bring all your pieces back together, but step up and let me wrap my big old arms all the way around you and give you a virtual *HUGGGGGG* to start things off.


    • Dan,

      Clearly you are a GODLY man who undoubtedly understands the temptation of the flesh, the need to be accepted and above all else loved. I’ve shared a small portion of my false start in my young life where the messages were, earning love was the only way to obtain and sustain it. My head and heart are often in conflict as they battle over my self worth. Granted, I’ve been working to be restored and unlearn those early wrong teachings, but I am forever a student, willing and teachable.

      I have reached a plateau in my personal recovery and decided to seek more help to dig deeper. Peel another lay of the onion, if you will, to get to the roots of my underlying, core issues. As I learn about nurturing that little girl that resides inside, I am also realizing how much I have still been abandoning her.

      Funny, likely as you were commenting to me, I was actually drafting a new post as the light brought new awareness to me this morning. I’m calling it, “maybe I’m looking at this all wrong”. God never ceases to amaze me by His vessels He uses to carry the right messages, all in His divine order. Thank you so very much for caring enough to speak the truth and be Godlike with skin on. A human who relates and understands the desires of the flesh that can be found in a healthy manner through a D/s lifestyle.

      I am encouraged and hope to pour more of the outcomes of my self revelations around all of which I have been walking through. Within the pain are the true lessons. If I don’t pay attention and take away what I am supposed to, the patterns will be on repeat until I actually receive the message!

      Everything you wrote spoke straight to my heart. I actually have dedicated a large portion of my life to mentoring and fellowshipping with others. Recently I was asked to join a single mom’s bible study to assist mentoring young, newly single moms. Sharing is caring. The receiving is in the giving. If I don’t give “it” (ESH) away, I can’t keep “it”.

      I really appreciate your integrity as well as the comfort the truth brings. I very well may have given him an idol status. I definitely realize, and shared with him, that at some point I did put him above all, including God and that I was no longer keeping him in that position. His gentle reply was, I didn’t ask you to do that. Well, no…that was my doing. I had since reevaluated and redefined the status order of my life.
      #1 God #2 MY recovery #3 me #4 all others and so on… Without Jesus as the centerpiece of my banquet I have nothing.

      I will take all the HUGGGGGs given out. Love covers all… Amen!!!

      (((and honestly, for the longest time, he made me feel safe…)))
      (((until one day, he didn’t)))

      still kitty… ❤

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