SOMETIMES MY HEAD IS JUST A JUMBLED EFF’D UP MESS…
The devil made me do it. Deception is the core ingredient for the enemy, aka Satan, to exist and persist. He is sneaky, provocative, alluring and seductive in ways that divert even the most devout Christian. His ways not clearly defined, but oh so subtle. The ultimate goal of that one is to convince us that God does not love us and he will promote all his temptations through any means possible, attacking our very spirit until we admit defeat.
I have succumbed to those overpowering feelings of defeat in these last few weeks. He has taken me down, yet somehow I have continued to rise back up. Why? Because my God is bigger and has gone to battle for me. The outreach in this cyber world astounds me. It was my commenter, Dan (a blessing) who helped me put the brakes on the direction I was headed by speaking truth into my heart. Then another commenter, Vile (a blessing) who had me answer some of my own questions by asking me the right questions. Of course Mynx, Darling Doll and Peep’s everlasting support as only other girls can give, let me shed my tears and held my heart. All significant reminders we are not alone on this journey called life. That was never the Lord’s intention.
God has met me right where I am, in every struggle. Through the pain He has moved me to a place of freedom from confusion. His light has shined down to reveal the truths that I need to get into a peaceful heart and a joyful spirit. All I could ever be guilty of was living intentionally. Being deliberate about pouring love into that special significant one by being the blessing I merely wanted to be.
How was I looking at this all wrong? I have been contemplating this very concept these past few days. While writing so much about the hurt I was enduring as a means to escape it, I did find relief. Then I realized that, as long as I continue to dwell in the dreary, darkness cesspool of hopelessness and despair, the problems and issues will consume me. What choice do I have when my heart still feels twinges of sadness as memories of what was or thoughts of what could have been creep in?
Lord, protect me from bitterness, release me from holding him in contempt and persecution. We are both human and neither one of us is immune to reproach. Retaliation nor condemnation is not what I seek, but rather restoration so I feel love and peace fill me up once again.
As I take a step back, my perspective has changed. I have made a conscious choice to see this all for what it truly is; opportunities God uses to produce new fruit within my spirit by shifting things around in my heart as the lessons are unveiled.