Detachment is a conscious effort only achieved with practice. To this day, I have yet to find any mastery skills that would cure me of my insatiable appetite to hang on to something my heart says to never give up. By white knuckling my grip, the object of my, well lets just call it obsession, turns to sand between my fingertips. I am learning to hold on loosely and love unconditionally.
This is when my boundaries come into the necessary realms of realty. Where I was once limitless, accepting of any and all behavior directed at me, good, bad and indifferent, today I can choose to not accept the unacceptable and let go with loving detachment. At times it can feel like a daily struggle, but with my eyes wide open, I learn to respect my inner voice screaming at me, “this is a hook, don’t bite!”
There is that long distance relationship often happening between my rational thinking reeling me in and my bleeding heart that convinces me otherwise. How long can a fish be out of water before it actually can no longer breathe? I have tested this experiment on numerous occasions throughout my life. Apparently, my lung capacity has vastly improved over the years.
What is a girl to do? This particular one has not quite discovered what works for her or where the sinkholes reside, but she is a work in progress, seeking answers. I have gained awareness that I am more susceptible to these infractions than some. It often takes my talking to God and that safe one other person to show me I have fallen yet again, hook, line and sinker.
This is not a “beat myself up”, condescending spanking I am attempting to achieve here. I am merely wanting to remind myself this is a pattern of mine. Unfortunately, I get more opportunities to practice, obviously, because I have yet to conquer this ongoing battle.
Grace has seeped in as I strengthen my divine connection. God’s shield of protection has been there all along, but sometimes I turn away from even Him because my flesh wants what it wants. There “he” is again, the tempter, rationalizing as he pries my heart wide open again, subjecting me to infection. Guns are drawn, the all too familiar battle begins and the war is on.
Lord, help me feel the presence of You and You alone as I turn my eyes up and run to Your arms wide open. Hold me while the storms passes through. You are my shelter, my true strong tower. Help me be obedient to You, trusting in Your guidance and love while swimming in the ocean of faith.
Wake me when it’s over, gently place me back in the water so I can…