a change in direction is in order…

I once was lost, but now I’m found…

chains

When might I ever find my place in this world? I am not all that unlike most of you out there. Just a constant attempt at being the very best me I am capable of. I no longer seek perfection and will run the opposite direction if that is what you are expecting of me today. I embrace the girl inside and the lady I have become…

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

…but do I believe this self talk? I have no reason to lie, convince or even berate myself for that matter. There are questions I have pondered as I have spent the better part of these past few weeks meandering through memories. What is it I want to accomplish in my life? Where do I envision me when I look at those goals? I saw how on some days, I walked gracefully through my struggles having been granted God’s mercy and favor. Yet on others, I stumbled and even fell while getting right back up again. There is not a bitter taste on my tongue, nor an ill wish in my heart.   

Upon reading some new blogs in the community as well as those I have been following, I decided to clean house. The removal process was cleansing because some no longer serve a purpose and frankly disturb me now. During this undertaking, I was prone to look at the rollercoaster of events over the course of my own writings. The realizations I encountered hit me like an anvil. I understand no one wants that type of rude awakening, but sometimes it is exactly what I need. The bottom line is, I may not be as fucked up as I once was, but I surely have some serious deep weeding to do if I am ever going to pull up those roots.

This is in no way a kick my own ass, reprimanding sort of self-deprecation by any means. A mere honest observation as I continue to seek out the real me that has not yet come to fruition. Today was one of those sort of days to sit and wonder where life might be taking me next. Nothing more, nothing less. 

moving on

As I skimmed through my memories, there were some I was a little surprised by, while others made me smile as they took me back. I thought to myself, kitty, this has certainly been an interesting chapter. Full of new discoveries, adventures, and multiple (all this word implies) blessings, none of which I would change or trade. I looked at it through the eyes of my heart. Wouldn’t you know it, all I found there was joy and love, even through the trials I found victories. During times of confusion or anguish, I sought through prayer for deliverance that brought me to clarity. 

 

womans heart

My story may be written, but it is up to me to follow His direction, His light, His lead  I choose to stay the course and keep on keepin on…

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2 thoughts on “a change in direction is in order…

  1. Now don’t go off and close down your blog or delete some of the old posts just yet. It all has a purpose. But for the weeds, we might not appreciate the beauty that lay before us. Both are needed. We are sent trials to strengthen and prepare us. Then when the time comes, we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. We will become a new creature, wonderfully and fearfully made. Have a good night.

    • Never would I do anything of the sort. My blog, my heart, my soul, my thoughts, my feelings, my healings…
      The deeper the pain, the stronger my spirit. (ugh 😉

      I was reading through an old journal once upon a time and a close friend of mine urged me to put it away, destroy it, anything, just stop reading it. I laughed and said, no way, this is how I see my growth and the lessons I have taken from them.

      To this day I still have those old memories of the former me. I can embrace every part reading in black and white, I’m not who I once was, but I am also not yet who I will be. I can see the scars and love the character that has bloomed from all the pruning from the past. Today I can actually laugh at how I once behaved. I am forgiven for it all…
      Praise GOD!

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