truth is the powerful medicine…

Sitting on the porch, the cars randomly pass by every few minutes.  Taking an upper road, the less traveled one to avoid our small town congestion I suppose. With every sound of an engine revving to climb up and then squeaky brakes from those descending down the hill, I glance up to the sound of each of them searching for the familiar truck. Wishing things hadn’t come unraveled leaving us where we are, torn apart from misunderstandings and frustrations.

Mr. Blue Bird weaves through the aging beams, grazing the blooming flowers I planted to bring life into my small, now quiet, unsettled world. Landing on the propane tank, he gives a look in my direction as if to say a whimsical hello. A smile arose for his efforts that hadn’t gone unnoticed. Away he flew to carry and spread his joy to the next lonely heart attempting to heal.
Faithful Mr. Sunshine in all his glory, is beating down on every part of my body, bronzing me more while warming me on this already tepid day. He is always a welcome visitor in my life. An occasional darting of the bees and wasps dipping in the bottom of the planters, seeking refuge from the heat as they quench their thirst. The front door wide open, Christian music pouring out at a reasonable decibel, but just enough to fill my soul with the messages that are singing to my heart.
The blessings of this day running through my head, I count them one by one. My thoughts carry me away to tend to the screenplay on pause. The rewind button broke, a miracle no doubt, but the continuous play goes on forever. “If only” is up for an audition along with “what if” as it’s understudy.
How different life could have been…
trailing off again when…
“Hello my name is regret” interrupts the party in my head. “I’m pretty sure we have met. Every single day of your life, I’m the whisper inside that won’t let you forget. Hello my name is defeat, I’m sure you recognize me. Just when you think you can win I’ll drag you right back down again till you’ve lost all belief. Oh these are the voices oh these are the lies and I have believed them for the very last time! Hello my name is child of the One true King, I’ve been saved I’ve been changed I have been set free, Amazing Grace is the song I sing. Hello my name is the child of the One true King!”
Like cold water splashed on my face, his words took me out of my head, back to counting, where was I? Yes, three, four, five…the simply extraordinary wonders that came to rescue me in the moment reminding me my Father will always meet me right where I am.
Your letter I was able to finish today. More healing to be gained, as I bared my naked soul once more to you, confident in my truths, my heart revealing acceptance and ownership of my part. Praying over it, desiring to share it with you as I wait for the moment to present itself. 
sonora
Conscious of my breathing, my wonderfully sore, semi~achy muscles, the pain remaining yet diminishing in my knee, tummy that wants to be fed, exhaustion of my weary self, eyes itchy from the blooming world around me, I gaze up to take notice, number six, the view overlooking this busy little town from this aging front porch of mine. Quiet and serene, the occasional honk, a siren or two, the neighborhood dogs riled up from the sounds, the lull of the breeze dashing through the lush, wild, eclectic landscape, now cooling me down.
I drift off again to escape in my mind
lovers 2
I think of you…
 and wonder if you are still missing me too?
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2 thoughts on “truth is the powerful medicine…

  1. You are doing so well, having a tough time of it, but doing well. Consider this. I know you loved him. I know you felt he loved you. Whether he truly did or not is not something I want to make a deep issue of at this point other than to acknowledge that it has bearing on what I am about to say.

    The two of you shared a unique relationship. Of course, relationships between any given two people will be unique to that of any other two, but yours had an especially unique aspect that few do. Deep down inside of me, I suspect if more people would be accepting of their primal urges your desires would be somewhat LESS unique.
    I would propose and I think you would acknowledge that you have some very special needs. You would tell me that D/s is one of them and you would be right, although right now you may be thinking you overplayed that a bit and allowed yourself to become excessively vulnerable and dependent within the relationship. I won’t address that either. That will sort itself out in time. For now though, that may be your knee-jerk reaction. The good knee. 🙂

    What I am talking about is prior needs that were pivotal in creating a desire for a D/s relationship. Being a) submissive and b) dominated fills a need that precedes you choosing D/s as an emotional and sexual lifestyle. There is a payoff when engaging in these behaviors that goes beyond the explosive sexual and sensual experiences. (Well, yeah, Duh.) I can tell by your anecdotal writings you too know this and by your creative writings those needs are still unmet, and that is my point.

    I am going to suggest you, in some cases, are meeting non-sexual needs with sex and the D/s lifestyle. What I am saying is you are medicating those needs with sex and D/s. In the same way others effectively medicate with food, drugs, and risky behaviors for themselves, your drug if choice is D/s. I am not saying it is a “wrong” drug because of it’s behavioral nature, or the wrong drug for you. I am saying you may be self-prescribing too strong a dosage. You are getting a very appealing and soothing high from that possible overdose, but it has some detrimental side-effects as most drugs do. You have to decide if a) the drug is what you still NEED/want, and b) it you still NEED/want it at that dosage level and to be on a constant regimen with it. OR could it be taken on occasion like some men take Viagra or Cialis, as an enhancement. at proper dosages. In the end though, it is very likely you are and still would be meeting non-sexual needs with sex. Sex releases so many feel-good hormones into our system before, during and after, especially if orgasm is obtained, that it can relieve a lot of psychic pain in the moment. If immediately after, or even a long while after sex, you have felt an emptiness, slight or great, it is possible that this is the non-sexual need stirring. You just met your sexual need, even had an orgasm or more (whoo hoo), but now you find yourself eagerly anticipating your next sexual encounter and engaging in those adopted D/s behaviors that go with it. Of course, most of us do eagerly anticipate having sex, but this sex is not about connecting as much as medicating. You NEED/want another hit to feel at peace, to feel momentarily content. The need behind that emotion is the one you are improperly and ineffectively meeting with sex and D/s.
    I am not saying you are a sex addict or that D/s cannot play a positive role in your sex and emotional life, just that I think it is masking a more effective way to meet those non-sexual needs. You may be getting caught up in D/s as what you NEED to feel fulfilled. That choice not only keeps you from effectively treating the reai issues but also commits you to choosing relationships with men who feed the “wrong” need. Sadly, that relationship may also be wrong for them, because YOU are their drug of , I was going to say choice, but let’s be realistic, NEED. That “love” may not be about you and who you are, but what YOU ARE WILLING TO DO TO HAVE THEM AVAILABLE TO MEDICATE YOUR LIFE. Now you have a codependent relationship. It is good to meet each others needs, but not in an unstable or unhealthy way. Even if you are both agreeable to practicing the lifestyle as you do, if you are doing it for the wrong reasons (masking and ignoring/denying other real needs) the relationship is being built around two people emotionally “lying” to themselves and one another. “I don’t need you in my life because of who and what you are, but for what you will do for me and to keep me for YOUR OWN selfish, needful reasons. Not a good place to build from.

    I STRONGLY suggest this book. It is on sale at Amazon in a limited supply.
    http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Intelligence-What-Really-Sex–/dp/B00B1L7A4Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1397914306&sr=1-1&keywords=sexual+intelligence
    I think you will find a lot of useful information in it. You can probably find it at a larger library. Your town looks a little small to have a library with an extensive collection, least of all a book of this specialized nature. So many books; so little money. You will find some answers there, or at least some leading questions. Hang in there girl. You have so much to offer the right man.

    Dan

    • Gosh, where to begin my response to all these truths. I feel confident that “he” would whole heartedly agree with your entire take here as do I. In fact, a lot of which you stated came from him quite recently as well. He understands the deepest parts of my broken little inside and her needs/wants that reflect that. What’s more important, so do I, or at least I have been reaching a higher learning point. He too would likely be relieved to be heard here and have another man point out what he has been trying to convey all along. I appreciate this for me.

      A gift I have been given by a very important person in my life is to recognize there are always two sides. No, not his and the truth. (bad old joke) I couldn’t portray any of that in my painful blogs as I was only in a place of unjust treatment, feelings of deception, despair, pain and loss. Praise God that this is a man of integrity and honesty that cares enough to put it all in writing as well as verbalize it to me. The directive and drive behind his ability to communicate so well is this is his main issue; a lifetime of not being heard from those who are supposed to love him. Unfair on my part, but it is my blog to use as I need to get the demons and poison out. However, I never have and never will paint a false image of him for justification of needing my BS cosigned in real life. I am not that girl!

      In recovery, I have gathered an abundance of knowledge that depict classic behaviors from those with addictive behaviors, compulsions if you will, (my personal choice of lingo) including my own. I am not immune to a codependent life, but over the years I have gained strength in learning how to manage it. As I continue to walk the healthy path of recovery, I am proned to stop labeling myself or allowing the dis~ease of compulsion to define me. I will give it credit to character flaws and yes, shortcomings, but then I also combat those through Christ.

      So much has been lifted as I walk through the utter BS of my past, messages of old that no longer serve me, or continue to haunt me, but I am a continuous work in progress. If only everyone could feel so blessed, honored and willing to be able to look so deep while coming to the brokenness within…

      What had riddled me for so long and led me back down the road of self destruction was my own lack of courage to find my voice and speak my heart. This was his constant frustration of me, understandble. It kept me captive and imprisoned in my own mind. I can see why as it changed who I have become back to who I used to be. Someone I never thought I would see again.

      When the last piece of that puzzle was graciously given to me and clarity found its place, I did feel his love coming back at me. We may not have always been on the same page, or even the same chapter, but at least we were in the same book. The crappy part of this is, it was always there. I too couldn’t get out of my own way. Denial once again, served as a safe haven. “Don’t ask the questions to remove the fears and receive the truth”. I became lost once more.

      A long stretch on this part of my journey where clearly I got off course in misplacing me, has now brought me back to the right road of where I belong. I believe these are the moments I learn more about me and to not only discover the lessons, but how to implement them.

      I still trust and believe in God’s plan for me, always. His will divinely in order, only for my highest good. Within the scope of this relationship, together we may make sense for the most part, but it is not solely up to me. Opposition is the enemy. Love is the key that holds acceptance and understanding. Grateful for the blog community that has brought gentleness when I needed it and support where I was weak. Real life people have my best interest at heart, but I have learned from my past to share with God and one other, else judgement is laid upon me. My shoes are just my size and meant for me alone. ❤

      As always, your message is well received and spot on my friend.
      Thank you…

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