Have I known heartbreak? I’m sure I have. A sadness that nothing can heal. Awake in the night hoping this just isn’t real.
Have I known loneliness? I’m sure I have. An emptiness that little can fill. Walking through the day not wanting to feel.
Have I known happiness? I’m sure I have. A sense of ease that floats me along. Stringing of those moments that keep me strong.
Have I known pursuance? I’m sure I have. An honoring sort of quest or a personal mission to show that my love is expressed.
Have I known intimacy? I’m sure I have. A true closeness of baring my soul. Allowing all my nakedness raw true and whole.
Have I known togetherness? I’m sure I have. A state of being with little space in between. Assured in the comfort trusting in the unseen.
Have I known authenticity? I’m sure I have. An honest display of myself. Attraction of just being not placed upon some shelf.
Have I known protection? I’m sure I have. A strength wrapping me up tight. Safety and comfort in the arms that fit just right.
Have I known peace? I’m sure I have. An inner feeling of tranquility and rest. Captured in the quietness is where it is found best.
Have I known self-respect? I’m sure I have. A behavior filled with dignity and pride that cannot be washed away with the ocean’s tide.
Have I known love? I’m sure I have. An intense feeling of my deepest part. Overflowing of my core expanding within my heart.
I started because You saw something within me. I stuck it out with everything to gain. Today I stay as my confidence is lifted, this is my new domain…
After a mile run to warmup, the strength work out is next. Eighty-five pounds on my back, 5 x 3 now rack that. Next, how much can I clean in 3 rounds five reps each? Everybody warm now? Let’s go!
With Pandora blasting a favorite Rise Against song to get us going, the clock starts. It’s me against myself in a warehouse full of weights, ropes, a giant rig and about ten other amazing people.
Let the “death by 50” WOD begin: 50 calorie row, 50 box jumps, 50 dead lifts, 50 wall ball shots, 50 ring dips, 50 wall ball shots, 50 dead lifts, 50 box jumps, 50 calorie row.
For my final time of 47.13, one by one, sweaty exhausted bodies begin to drop to the floor. Hearts pumping, breathing heavily while cheering on those still left to finish.
Proud of my 95 pound dead lifts for a total of 100 and pressed on with the Rx weight of 14 pounds for a total of 100 wall ball shots, a smile emerged from my lips at last. My goal is, don’t watch the clock, to always finish and never fail.
In the midst of it all, I hear the shouting of my name when she says, “you got this!”, then a pat on my ass as he walks by and says, “nice job!” I’m lifted up, encouraged to push harder, do better, get stronger and show up for more tomorrow.
These sexy calluses on my palms I have earned, each scar tells a story and every bruise eventually fades…
this is Crossfit, my safe community, my team
memories of harsh words I regret are here once more
as I packed all my things and slammed the door
already fragile barely speaking to one another
completely destroyed us not hearing each other
devastated by your drinking I was merely a teen
why couldn’t you choose me instead of being stuck in between
it was this time of year Mother’s Day Weekend
you came home for three days but I wouldn’t bend
I was left on my own to figure things out
“what the fuck is wrong with you” were the cruel words I’d shout
how could I have known the plan for your life
only five years you had left and we lived them in strife
we had mended some though it was never quite the same
a constant battle of frustration guilt and even shame
the morning I got the call “your mom has just died”
I could’ve laid down right beside you as I sunk to the floor and cried
it had to be a bad dream this lady whom I was just getting to know
in all of her misery and struggles her love for me continued to grow
I knew your best was all you could give
because of you I was learning to live
it has been an amazing road with three sons of my own
on this day alone for the first time since they are pretty well grown
with lives they have all created we share a bond unique and true
built on the love you once offered that still carries me through
I think of you often mom you are implanted in my heart
how blessed I am that you gave me my beautiful glorious start
mom I always loved you I really need you to know
I cherish every memory when I think of you I glow
If only I had one more chance just to say
would you hold me in your arms and take this pain away
I miss you more than ever your daughter with an empty space
letting your spirit go so I can get to a better place
I think you’d be proud of the lady I’ve grown to be
over bumps detours and struggles the rocky road I am set free
our small town’s huge celebration is forming in the warm sun
the beating of the drums fire trucks floats horses the rodeo such fun
more difficult to hold than the day you went to heaven
even when you were born
my heart on this day is still completely torn
untying my guilt I have carried for so long as I listen to the sound
a new chapter in my life my feet firmly on the ground
uncomfortable in my aloneness deeply wanting to share in this day
with the Man that I love is all that I can say
to set the new tone for this time of year
toasting your life and lift you up by celebrating in cheer
The tears choked back her words, but she managed to get them out. Through the sorrow and pain from a deep, past hurt, she spoke as if thirty years were just yesterday. I sat in absolute silence as I heard my own sadness spewing from her lips. Reminded me again that I am never alone in this life. Whatever my problems, there are always those who have had some of them too.
With her final thoughts through tear soaked cheeks, she gave a deep sigh and thanked everyone for listening and holding her heart. From across the table, I looked deep into her eyes and gave a genuine soft smile full of compassion that said how much I understood. Her grief prompted what came from me next.
The topic was perfection, one of my least favorite subjects to look at because there is truth revealed. The all-consuming state of being that stole my ability to just be me. It robbed me of a higher self-esteem I once possessed as it birthed the fear that would direct my lack of confidence from that day forward.
Inside, my little (baby girl) was tucked deep away where she felt safe and hidden from the world. Inevitably, big was growing up right along with that fear while perfectionism was consuming her life. The deep voice over her shoulder, the constant procession of his cruel words stymied her from rising up to her potential. How long does a person exert such power over another?
As long as I allow it…
Fast forward to my next thirty years, “Why is fear your default place to go to with me?”, he asked me one day. I could not come up with the answer, but it gave me such great pain and anguish from childhood that I chose to look at that. How can you understand me when I can’t even understand myself, I soon would discover. Fear is the go to familiar hiding place that won’t allow judgement to seep in if I remain quiet. I can be invisible if I don’t go to the finish line where no one will tell me, I could have done better.
That is fucked up…
The ironies of three states of being, contradictions in a sense…
fear + perfection = paralysis
FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
PERFECTION: 1. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. 2.The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.
PARALYSIS: the loss of the ability to move (and sometimes to feel anything) in part or most of the body, typically as a result of illness, poison, or injury.
awareness + acceptance + action
AWARENESS: knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.
ACCEPTANCE: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
ACTION: the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.
I find it amazing, the core of deceptions that have been taking up space rent free for most of my life without my consent. Yet until now, my eyes have been shut to their existence. Through love and concern, honesty and caring, support and encouragement, that fear is beginning to dissipate. In bringing it to light, my protective glasses removed, at last I embrace you, in order to rid myself of your lies and deceit.
Truth is my friend…
Underneath it all is this incredible human being, capable of all things she chooses. She has legs to stand upon, a spine to keep her straight, the ability to conquer what comes before her, confidence and courage that dictates authenticity, a heart that is filled with honor, a soul abound with mercy and grace, and an abundance of love that carries her through everything.
Walk beside me…
The road gets narrow, sometimes the path is long, but keep looking ahead, forever onward uncovering and discovering every blessing along the way.