once a reality in this little’s life…
Pretending to be something this girl is not, is not a viable option. Freedom from the invisible shackles that once bound her inside and out, even hidden from herself, no longer need to exist. This girl equates her inner being as “the little” she now embraces, to a likeness of “coming out”, so to speak. “Little” showed up a couple of years ago without her “big” realizing she had surfaced. Neither one knew why particular situations had such a devastating effect upon their heart that the “big” girl was usually capable of just letting go. Today, in comparison to a small child, her feelings become hurt and her tummy is stirred up at the slightest thought of letting her Daddy down or God forbid, making Him angry. What was happening to this once “independent” grown woman? It was as if she was reverting back to childhood and in a sense, she did.
Along with this transformation, this girl’s ability to be direct for clear communication became skewed, or did she ever really possess the capabilities? After a long conversation with a professional, her feelings of inadequacy and tendencies to go to that place of asking herself, “am i a burden?” she was helped to see that from childhood trauma, she never did quite have a direct way of asking for her needs. Nor did she ever learn how to clearly state what was on her mind for if and when she did, shame, ridicule, and pain inevitably followed. So, she developed a coping mechanism which only she knew inside what she wanted or needed and by the time the thoughts filtered through her mind and reached her voice, they became jumbled. What happened was she learned to talk all around it, leaving the person on the receiving end left to decipher her secret code. This was her only safe way of communicating, or obviously not.
Daddy has brought this to her attention on numerous occasions and frankly, He is at His wits ends with it. This girl cannot say she blames Him for the irritation, but like anything else, she is always working to better herself and be released of these old patterns that no longer serve her today, but rather hurt her in the long run. So how does she change a behavior that has encroached her for a lifetime? Awareness is only the beginning as this little girl despises this defect of hers. As she stands at this crossroad scared, sad and confused, she knows she desperately wants to be better.
Today she had to look deep inside to seek out this girl’s earliest memories that can date back about twenty years ago when her best friend told her she speaks in puzzles. The bluntness never did escalate to a critical situation, but this girl’s feeling were hurt on occasion because she just didn’t know how to change it. Then again nine years ago, a new friend in this girl’s life, asked pointedly in his similar, irritated, stern voice, “why can’t you ever just say what you mean?!” That was more difficult to receive from this person and caused this girl to retreat farther inside again. Now her Daddy, whom she loves and cares for is telling her what she has heard two times in her life. Only coming from Him, it feels like deep cuts in an already existing wound because what He thinks matters to this girl’s core. The habitual form of communication, or lack there of, is crippling her and leaving Daddy bewildered and irritated.
There have been new instructions Daddy has given this girl that makes her slow down and really have to stop to think before she speaks that seem to be helping, but she has so far to go. Getting rid of the old mindsets that are frightening and unsafe is her first order. The hope is to distinguish the obvious difference of whom she is speaking to today versus the past. Ridding herself of the trauma from old messages will be reduced and eventually eliminated. That is the only way to help her find her much valued voice her Daddy so desires. Sadly, this little girl goes through feelings of defeat, despair, hopelessness and sadness, but then camps out in hope until she remembers she is equipped and empowered. Her Daddy believes in her and so does she!
today’s reality feels much safer…