attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

about a girl…

who once had a heart of glass

she offered it so freely

emptied it out then filled it up

gently worn but not without class

forever giving it away

since she was a little child

first to her daddy

then any man that would stay

she never knew why

she chased the uncatchable

near starved for affection

her heart bled till it was dry

unbeknownst to her deepest desire

the bottomless craving this girl did possess

she gave of herself

the most precious gift to acquire

You need not work hard for it to obtain

the very core of her being

every ounce of her flesh

though her beauty did remain

the song abound in her ear

give all of yourself

never stop chasing that rainbow

her message perfectly clear

why must the anguish be bestowed upon me

will the lessons never be grasped

destined to repeat them

her struggle to be free

where now does she turn

every corner a stumbling block

waiting for her footing to slip

yet another teacher from which to learn

this time the value is high

the potential loss feels like desertion

when the truth of the matter is

it was merely this heart telling her a lie

 

structure and consistency…

no matter where You are no matter how far

Your instructions are clear even when You aren’t near

this girl’s new bedtime to abide by every night

You have good reason for turning out the light

You taught me how to count the pictures in my mind

as I drift off to dreamland pleasant dreams I soon would find

grateful You care enough to take the time I need

without You it’s easy to get lost not following Your lead