its ok to not be ok…

hidden behind the facade where the walls have been erected with mortar made from mud

the little child terrified from the fractured heart bound by fishing line and chicken rings

wounds too deep when unkind words activate are torn open wide exposed for all to see

how often played are messages of old embedded in the brain heard in hope of hearing a different tune

don’t invade personal space and catch a glimpse of the vulnerability and transperency

access denied to enter the gates of self protection

the guards wearing suits of armor ruthlessly portray indignant self reliance

puffed up to a world as the illusive island upon which to stand is safer than risk of possibility 

open the window just a crack  and take a peek 

allow the shell that remains the chance to be mended and filled once again

a celebration awaits with a resounding boastful hooray

the time is now to embrace the abundance with eyes open wide

declare the deserving of goodness trust the promise of deliverance and faithfulness of retention

let go the broken pieces for they shattered credibility while decieving what’s honorable inside

be free from shackled wrong beliefs knowing love covers all including places that attempt to hide

 

 

 

submissively struggling though obedience is abound…

Actively participating in a submissive’s own life, apart from and separate to that of its Master/Dominant/Owner. Is this even possible or desirable? Because it is absolutely necessary for us to grow. 

How long have i secretly been imposing, possibly unknowingly and complacently hiding behind The Master’s needs while placing my own responsibilities aside in order to fulfill His completely and efficiently? Did He ask or expect me to in this manner of unmitigated self sacrifice? On the contrary, He expects nothing less than perfectibility on my part for the areas that enrich and help me grow towards self sufficiency, but at the same time to make His life easier in doing so. Otherwise, i am nothing more than a doormat dormant little leach waiting for everyone else, especially The Master, to handle decisions and completely oversee to the entirety of my life. Perhaps this is protocol in other D/s, D/lg, D/bg or M/s relationships, but not ours. It is a requirement that this lg/bg/s/s (yes, we have an established variety that works well for us) attends to the nature of seeing to it that independently, i can thrive. 
Today is a day of which struggle has been a continuous measure between my fear and faith. Within the discomfort, i find strength because i know as i fumble along and take initiative, i will find the direction of my personal purpose. Whereas,
if i wait stagnant with merely good intentions, ultimately i will suffer. 
True to all healthy arrangements in a partnership of any calling, neither respect nor adoration can be obtained let alone be sustained in the absence of self love and sufficiency to some degree, one would assume. 
So again, i remind myself to; 1. ask the question 2. receive the truth 3. remove the fear
Why have i been complacent?
Because i’ve wanted to be completely available to The Master’s disposal for His every need in the moment of His orders.
Is this our arrangement?
Yes Sir of course, but not at the expense of self sabotage or failure.
Are you being successful within our established agreement?
Yes Sir, so it is i that needs to look at my own actions and fears.
Thank You Master for understanding with a gracious, loving heart.
There it is, the truth beyond measure. Activate my faith with fire in my belly. Balance will come when the process is trusted for my higher good. Believe that i am worthy to receive and all things will fall naturally in to its divine place and order. 
and this is why…

just the thought of You…

Your skin under its fingertips
its body surrendered to Your control
let us please stay right here for just an hour or more
Time to start the day girl He firmly gives a command
sweet moans arise upon its lip
a gentle push one soft whisper yes Sir releasing from His grip
If to simply remain in this luxurious stolen moment
To experience the radiation floating over still lingers in our touch
fill it again with Your fruitful juice
satiated while worshiping You with love and gentle tenderness
Is it possible to actually feel a heart expanding with devotion
seeping from its very soul flooding with emotion
The aroma now penetrating through the heated air
consuming its thoughts wants and desire
begging Him please without saying a word pleading with its flesh on fire
You have taken it places never to have been seen
We started out as a tepid pool of lust
evolving over time into a transformation of trust

                      With every passing day it is left wanting and craving You more                        pleased and honored to be its Master’s submissive little whore

dance with me…

Take me with you on this grand excursion called life
free from distractions that interfere and the awfulness of strife
 
Leave the hesitations and reservations far behind
look ahead to the adventures that together we will find
 
Your hands laid upon this skin so warm
wrapped tightly around protecting it keeping it from harm
 
Go out in a blaze of glory on a journey with love as our only guide
walking in each day with a surmountable measure of joy taking it all in stride
 
Destination unknown arrival times to be revealed not an ounce of defeat
unchartered plans with the wind at our feet
 
Not a worry to come up against as we take this well deserved flight
high on the wings of Eagles we soar deep into the night
 
Reflections show us where we once had been
marked with a stern pillar of grace always to remember when
 
Eyes gazing forward seeking so much more
moving on to bigger and better is what our hearts have in store 
 
Won’t You take me by the collar and lead me along Your side
while i follow You a rope length behind excitedly along for the mystery ride 
 
Cast the fears away they serve no purpose now
leap out to the new ledge of hope faith will show You how
 
You and Your little girl complete the package of peace the truth it lies within
from here on out building on respect honor and love our new life shall begin

demure on the outside…

Your silent instruction with one firm motion as Your finger points to the ground, “Here slave”.  Obedient to Your command a tingling washes over knowing, or at least hoping, what was about to happen as excitement courses through to its very core 

With its cheek to the floor eyes gently closed shut assuming its position, it feels a soft caress upon its skin. This belongs to Me, doesn’t it? Yes Sir. it was made for Me, wasn’t it? Yes Sir, only You. Good girl

A quietness fills the room it can barely hear the soft sounds of jazz carried out from The Master’s office now. So focused on His sensual touch while He runs a sole finger teasingly within His wetness, pleasingly tugging at His hardware as it dreams of what’s coming next

it begins to fantasize of the new mods to come and as its mind drifts, suddenly it’s brought back to the moment with the subtle sounds of Masters clothing being shed
Suddenly the warmth of His skin is around its backside, He pulls on His toy that He placed inside hours before, removing it now for His intended pleasure
it can hardly contain itself  with its body begging to be taken. Barely above a whisper, “it loves to be fucked by You Master”
Both exhausted from the encounters of the previous night, no more words were spoken only the exciting rumblings of sheer delight in anticipation
Heat penetrating more from merely the wood stove knowing His property impeccably well, Master strategically placing His tshirt underneath it to catch the warm juices He was about to extract
“This is not giving you permission little girl” 
“no Sir, but The Master is in complete control over it”
In a beautifully orchestrated rhythm, seductive moans now are only to be heard with each deep thrust taking every inch that belongs solely and completely to Him
With its eyes barely open and body filled with fire,
the satisfied sounds invade its ears as a smile emerges from its lips
Serving its Master is what it is designed for while pleasing Him to His very soul 
A sexy content groan bellows out from the bottom of His belly with a final sigh of release and one last intensive force. The display of tension graciously easing its once firm grip, allowing lightness  in that will at last let Him fall into a wondrous slumber of peace tonight
Thank You for injecting Your delicious gift so deeply once again Sir. 
Sweet dreams Master. submissively and obediently Yours for always in all ways.
it loves You beyond words and cherishes You above this world

self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

Mortality, Humanness, Spirituality, Love…

Ray October 2015

This man was 81 years old when he entered my life four years ago. Not because  he asked for my help, but because someone told him he could no longer take care of himself. From that point on, all life’s decisions would be made for him.

I watch the cruelty of your condition rob you of your memory and in your ability to be present for your life. In the beginning it didn’t seem to bother you, to have a constant parade of young ladies come and go. throughout your days. I suppose it would be most men’s dream, but not likely given these circumstances. 

Mostly your days have been filled with laughter, song, dance and stories from long ago. Every meal prepared and served before you. All the domestic chores and shopping handled while you carry on thriving daily in familiar surroundings. You keep us on our toes, learning to not turn our back in case the over-exuberant you surfaces to be extra playful in the moment. Your vulgarity makes us giggle, advance attempts are harmless we’ve learned and in your nature, while your gentility warms our hearts. 

It saddens me more now, your inability to be concise in communicating your ailments which ultimately have become your demise. It took the logical thinker to tell this emotional girl the right thing to do was to take you back to the hospital. This is your third time there now and they tell us it will be your last. The option to take you home to provide you with comfort care through the end of your life is going to be the final big choice made for you in the morning. 

I left you there in capable hands for one more night. As I drove out to make sure your cat was fed and your property ready to receive your return where it will keep you for your final days, the personal sadness washed over me. I’ve learned through sudden tragedy what devastation can bring and also the fragility and value of life, but to be an assistant to God’s divine plan is uncomfortable  in the very least. 

Decisions on your behalf to be made next as we walked through the glass doors to the world outside. So much traffic busting at the seams as the hustle and bustle of last minute shoppers congest every road and I am desperate to make my escape. 

At last I pulled over along the roadside of a massive hill overlooking our pretty little town. There I sat writing these words and watching the sun go down on this day. Its starting to turn colder as the storm begins to move in. I picture you lying in that hospital room, highly sedated, feeling no pain and now sleeping so soundly. I couldn’t help but think how alone you truly are and have been for so long. We have become your family, the only faces you have known, to love and to trust in these last year’s of your earthly walk. My thoughts, they turned to my own life as they often do during times like these, but somehow things feel different for me. Not sorrow for what lies ahead for you my dear friend, but sadness perhaps from the void that erupts when I go inside my head. 

My heart has softened so over the years as clients come and clients go, but none have been quite as entrenched and made such an imprint as this man has. Maybe because I too can relate to that orphan type mindset. Though he presently can’t comprehend the difference of his current state of being, his heart it does understand. 

I feel blessed having the honor to be an intricate piece and make even the smallest differences in your life. Tonight I asked God to please reveal to me the lesson and message He is showing me through this experience. Because all I feel as I look to the valley below, is alone, empty and blue. I never thought I’d be one of the many who can’t feel the merriment and joy that this holiday season typically brings. The cause is more than this immediate situation. Feelings stirred up from the residue left over

by the past and the fear that is induced through uncertainty.

The prayer is redundant, but God is unfailing, “Lord please fill me full with Your love and lead me down the path You have chosen especially for me. You’ve walked beside me over the mountains and pulled me up from the valleys below. Through You I am strengthened without I am weak. Remind me who I am in You, fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen”

Tomorrow we bring you back to the place you call home. Where you will live out the rest of your days until you lay down for your final rest to be with The Lord. I pray for your transformation of new comfort, exclusion of pain and wholeness you will one day know again.

Good night and God bless You always…

it ponders in awe of You…

Master's slave

What is it about You that makes this body ache? 

The way You watch its every move Yours completely to take

How do You keep it in a constant state of lust?

Showing it in multiple ways The Man that it can trust

When did it start to feel safe as it never has before?

The moment You took possession and claimed it Your little whore

Where it often wonders the next place You will bring us to?

Then it remembers its place and to have faith in all You do

Who it is with You is all it needs to know

Master’s little slave continuing to grow  

This heart is overflowing its body craves You through its days

To honor please serve and love You submissively in all ways

 

I drove by your house today…

The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found. 

A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home. 

I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.

As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.

For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence, that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)

Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.

No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.

I drove by your house today…

maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…