I grew up (started to) when I learned to it different…

This is how it will start, my notes, my story, my life. God is amazing. He always does for me what I usually can never do for myself. Either because I am afraid and I don’t trust the process, or I simply lack the strength to do the right thing. I don’t have to like it, but as long as I accept it, I can get to the other side a little quicker, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. He reminds me I am never alone as long as I walk with Him…

I’m getting a little bit stronger…

 my saving grace song no matter how much love lingers in my heart for you

He already knew and has forgiven you…

on his knees he began to pray, undo my heart,

I surrender my soul for only You can make me whole

Lord, Your plan is in Order, my free will running wild, temptations of the flesh feeling every stinging repercussion, Yours is not to prevent, but to protect when I cry out, as You wait by my side on this wondrous sometimes treacherous ride~

…but in the end there was nothing left to salvage as the covers were pulled back, the light shined down, more truth painfully revealed, a horrific course of action severely induced, fear injected not easily to recover from, condemned by irreversible damage, the power freely given, inevitably destroyed the trust…

yet somehow, in the depths of her despair, within the throes of hopelessness

she still prays…

“Father God, in his heart he leaves not an ounce of space for You to breathe into him. For in his eyes he cannot see beyond his own plank. In his soul the amount of self righteousness pushes the holy spirit away. Lord I pray Your healing powers over him, Your presence revealed, Your faithfulness undying, Your promises he can stand high upon, Your unfailing love, no matter the cost, no matter the wounds, no matter the battle, no matter the scars, the damage, or sin, You are constant. He knows not how to cry out and reach for Your hand, that You are waiting patiently for his cooperation. Father, pay no mind to his fleeting ways, the discomfort of a nonbeliever, for he lacks in faith for the Holy One. Edging God Out (EGO) blinds him Lord, because without You, he will stay lost. I pray these things unto You oh Lord in the name of Your son, Amen.”

Acts 3:19 “Repent then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out,

that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” 

about a girl…

who once had a heart of glass

she offered it so freely

emptied it out then filled it up

gently worn but not without class

forever giving it away

since she was a little child

first to her daddy

then any man that would stay

she never knew why

she chased the uncatchable

near starved for affection

her heart bled till it was dry

unbeknownst to her deepest desire

the bottomless craving this girl did possess

she gave of herself

the most precious gift to acquire

You need not work hard for it to obtain

the very core of her being

every ounce of her flesh

though her beauty did remain

the song abound in her ear

give all of yourself

never stop chasing that rainbow

her message perfectly clear

why must the anguish be bestowed upon me

will the lessons never be grasped

destined to repeat them

her struggle to be free

where now does she turn

every corner a stumbling block

waiting for her footing to slip

yet another teacher from which to learn

this time the value is high

the potential loss feels like desertion

when the truth of the matter is

it was merely this heart telling her a lie

 

living intentionally…

rejoice…

I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this; 

life-on-purpose-thin-black-border

revel…

I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.  

regret…

If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.

remorse…

Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.

reality…

time stands still as Your heart beats slow

hitting Your knees head sinks low

 guilt rages within eyes overflow 

looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow

 pain so intense next time You will know…

Daddy knows…

feed me and You will see me grow

water me and You will see me shine

give me light and You will see me glow

lift me up and You will see me free

plant me and You will see me stand tall

teach me and You will see me be all there is to be

talk to me and You will see me abound

praise me and You will see me bloom

love me and You will see me firmly on the ground

prosperity-tips-300x220

during the hardest times…

the dream is always the same

I awake calling your name

unspoken words things that were left unsaid

days are passing by every hour fills with dread

where was my lack of trust in knowing that you care

fear became my enemy expression I did not dare

now I am left holding my heart in my hand

uncertain of anything except for where we stand

alone in the darkness so quiet and empty

the deceiver so taunting comes around to hurt me

I write it out on paper my words seem so healing

as always before me you know how I’m feeling

take care of myself my body soul and mind

to thine own self be true honest loving and kind

this doesn’t make sense how we got to this place

so much to still share yet you are gone without a trace

when will the sadness stop that is deep within me

another day is unfolding yet I cannot clearly see

I always thought we were worth trying for

the love I have in my heart is for you the man I adore

I asked for a measure of time to clean up what remains

to put what’s been done to rest our foundation to sustain

leave nothing unfinished in an instant it could all be gone

then what is left but sorrow and regret for all that is still undone

the timing must not be right to go through this next part

until the peace washes over me I cannot speak my heart

for now I will keep walking through each and every day

it will come in perfect order just what we need to say

 

it only takes a few words…

best friend

The sun came up after a rare, peaceful night’s sleep. Exhausted from traveling, yet somehow more filled up. Then a simple gesture comes through, one little touch, my best friend reaches out into my heart she did creep;

“I’m thinking about you today.

I wish I could do something to help, but only time will.” 

A tear springs to my eye reminding me to feel.

Why am I struggling so? God help me heal!

I have come so far from the place I once clung to. By now I would have sought out in another to numb and distract me until time moved me on and I could start anew.

God has shown me the ways to care about me, not rely on the world to cover my wounds, but to look up and find refuge in all that I see.

These days remind me still that I am the same girl, wanting love and protection the need to be filled.

For a brief period of time in the grand scheme of things, I was blessed to have had a glimpse of what it might bring. 

His actions on my mind how they still ring out, like a song to my heart, console and bring comfort his words they do shout;

“It’s handled kitty…”

loved kitty

Those three simple words I came to trust and depend on, in essence when spoken from his lips, never let me down.

Having been starved for love since being a little girl, the craving for more brought me to a place I thought I’d never feel.

It surely felt like God’s hands were right in there, delivering His blessing through the flesh of a savior.

Choices I have made I can finally see, the rungs on the ladder got out of order because of me.

“I didn’t ask you to put me there.”

Ladder-to-heaven

“I did that all on my own.”

It has taken this time for clarity to erase some of the confusion that had fogged my vision and took me to a horizontal position.

Sometimes I think I see God’s plan, His vision and design, at least a small portion of what He has in mind.

I am so grateful you graced my life and entered my heart, not a note of regret nor an ounce of remorse, only fond memories play a part. 

memory

 

just part of the journey…

china air

gazing to the sky as your plane descends through the air

my heart sinks a little more knowing you no longer care

not wanting to bear thoughts of me not waiting for that flight

six hours down another highway I drove into the night

a simple change of scenery from the corners of my mind 

turning it all over a daily struggle I often find

take comfort in His mercy knowing He brought me to this 

with honor favor and grace I am promised I will have bliss

she saw through my eyes into the windows of my soul

startled by her touch this stranger said I’ll take this grief so you will be whole

smiling I replied but for today I still feel weary as this too one day will pass

until then I will keep talking about it not caring if I’m a pain in the ass

when my silence does come what a glorious day that shall be

the healing may have started for now I am where I am and this is just me

it saddens me to know that what once was is no longer

my heart though it’s been tattered continues to beat stronger

a month is drawing near since we last said a final word

departing of our ways neither one clearly heard

the reprieve I did need from seeing your comforting face

grateful for your time away which brought me to a better space

sometimes life feels so heavy confusing and torn apart

turn the page as we walk away giving a brand new start

all I ever wanted was to love you through it all 

when that exchange didn’t happen from you we began to fall

this is not how I want to remember you today 

but rather that man I did love I will honestly be able to say…

love you always

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

part 2, continuance of possibilities…

…dawn was streaming in my window

out my window

I felt like I hadn’t even slept as I hit rewind on the hours that just passed. My mind was trying to start the rationalizing and debates of what direction might this be headed while my heart said hush, just enjoy the time. A good morning text chimed in to interrupt my trail of thinking. “Had a great time, was just thinking of you. Off to breakfast with my daughter now.” (heart~1, head~0)

By that afternoon my body begged me to rest. I decided a nap would replenish me. It was early evening when I unexpectedly,  heard from him again. “Just woke from a much-needed nap. What are you up to?” I revealed to him I had as well. We LOL’d one another and made a plan for dinner. “My place?”, he asked. My mind was reeling. The answer was of course yes. Vegetarian pizza and some old episodes of Frasier was on the menu. A perfect night in the making.

Not knowing what to think or rather trying not to think too much, an hour later, I arrived at his place. Both of us a little nervous at first, within the next hour we were eating and sharing memories of silly things. I can’t necessarily remember the content of it, but does it matter? The night soon turned to dark and we were both dozing on his oversized, sectional couch. Here we go again, it was after midnight and neither of us wanting the night to end.

“Let’s go to bed.” A phrase I commonly heard at this point in my few relationships of the past. That was what “normal” was to me. Why should this time be any different? However, I was about to find out, it was. My jeans trickled off by my own hands, while my panties remained on. He offered me a t-shirt of his, which I graciously accepted. I felt my chest pounding wondering and assuming what was coming next.

Into his oversized cal~king bed we climbed. We met in the middle, clothes intact, an arm wrapped around me, a second warm, soft kiss and a whisper, “good night.” I laid there awhile in awe of this man. So gentle and kind, am I dreaming? I told myself, this is not how this goes, is it? The battle began, I tallied it up, (heart~1, head~1) as I drifted off to sleep.

There we were, awoken my the daylight we were not ready to greet. To my amazement, our clothes were still on, as his arm found me again. “Mornin’ ” were the only words he uttered. A groan escaped my lips, “mmm hmm.” Back at it, right on cue, the challenge of my body’s nemesis was on. They were merely quiet long enough for me to sleep. (oh just shut up, my inner voice told the both of them)

At this time of my life, I had come to believe in God, but had not yet been saved. This man had been six years ago and was a faithful member to a church as well as the recovery rooms. Up until that day, I had never been involved with anyone on such a spiritual plane. He asked me early on if I was ever interested in attending a church. His back door way of inviting me. To my discomfort, I quietly declined, not knowing that had a deep effect on him. Frankly, I am certain he hadn’t realized it yet either.

After our first night, there were many more of the same. Soon we were up to three or four nights a week where I found myself pretzeled up with his body. As we explored without crossing over to a place I felt ready for, he held strong to his beliefs. At last a conversation came. This was a man who stood by his convictions about sex. He went on to share how in his life, sex hadn’t been sacred to him, but when he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior, he changed his ways. His restraint was impressive to me and I wanted to know more of how he arrived there.

In getting to know him better, he divulged that he and his brother were raised by his single mom. His earthly father lived in the city, specifically in the Haight/Ashbury district back in the day. Living a life of multiple addictions. A man with no scruples in his son’s eyes, had fathered multiple children.

Devastated by this, his mom also turned to substance abuse, but by God’s mercy and grace, she found sobriety. He went on the explain how different his role became within this family of three. I learned from this man, that a son’s relationship with his mom becomes that of a protector in the absence of a father.

I was beginning to see that as truth in my own three sons. Another attractive quality of his was the utmost respect for how my sons viewed our blossoming relationship and the effects on us four. He once encouraged me to ask my youngest son, who was really the only one remaining at home, how he felt about my being gone and where I was. To my surprise, his reply was, “I just want you to be happy mom”. ((sigh and a tear or many))

Our time together remained the same yet growing with intensity while loving and tender, gentle and kind. There were hours of laughter, sharing and caring, fellowshipping and support. He quickly came to learn of my, back then, new choices of eating habits. This man was a model of fitness, playing on a men’s softball team for six years already and working out at the local MMA where he had his first competition during our time together. He was dedicated to his body; physically, mentally and spiritually. All the things I was striving for as well, a somewhat balanced triangle.

A memory sparked my heart the other day, reminding me that I am such a girl and love every bit of being one. We stood in line at the grocery store one evening, purchasing an array of healthy treats and dinner fixin’s, when I looked up to find his back to the cashier, he was just staring at me. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as barely a sound left my lips, “what?” A grin formed on his as he leaned over to whisper in my ear, “You are so beautiful.” With a brush of a kiss upon my warm, red cheeks. I let out a sigh, still in wonder what was happening then a quick check on the scoreboard. (heart~2, head~1)

We were seemingly a good fit. Compatible, spiritually connected to a degree, both working on the broken parts of the partitions of our hearts, enjoyed each other’s company, respected the others boundaries, difficult at times lying so close on those special nights, practicing new behavior, and oh yes, fun! So what happened?

Over the somewhat brief period of time we had together, he came to the conclusion that in fact, my lack of Christianity, or at least being a strong believer, was creating a hindrance in our growing together. There was no blame involved on one or the other, but something was lacking now. This would be my first introduction to partners who are unevenly yoked. Only that time it was I who lacked the faith needed for strengthening on my end. Final tally time (heart~2, head~2)…

head and heart

It was a graceful parting of ways although not what either of us really wanted, yet it felt necessary at the time. Likely more for him, story of my life, but I carried on. As most endings, time was needed to heal the emptiness that now existed and when it did, we were able to salvage our friendship. Though we didn’t spend time together anymore, our paths continued to cross in the hallway once again. He no longer warmed a seat in my room, but remained faithful in his own.

Then one day we saw each other in a new light. Both of us had moved on. I was at the beginning of something that was new to me, unsure of what was happening really so I felt fine about conversing with him. He had attempted to rekindle his prior relationship. Just as before, he realized she was still not the girl for him.

I had gone to a concert at a local vineyard one night with a girlfriend and had received two texts from these two men, each asking for some time later that evening. Choices! Oh my, what a predicament. My friend was in both disbelief and awe of it all.  Excitedly she asked me, “what are you going to do?!” “I am going to dinner with you first and then I will ask God what to do!” She giggled, “I wish I had this problem!” This was a first for me. A little unsettling, but at the same time, power retrieval for all those old times I had endured in my life. These two men, unbeknownst to them were a deep part of my healing that night.

power

As promised, I asked God for His guidance and when I felt the peace wash over me, I knew. I made a choice to see if a reconnection was there. It was as if no time had passed, though plenty had. I was not the same girl I had been the last time we spent time together. Though his house was different, the routine we had established was the same. Immediately upon arriving on his front porch, I felt comfortable. After about an hour of catching up, to my surprise, he revealed that he was moving six hours away. Is this why the Lord had guided me here? To go back and leave again under new circumstances?

Once more I found myself in his t-shirt, my panties and his big comfy bed with all the cozy pillows and those arms that held me so safely. As we drifted off to sleep, it was clear to me that this was our final goodbye. I had no regrets or even sadness around this, I was in complete acceptance that we were exactly where we belonged.

It was summertime and he was moving ocean side where he had gone for his annual softball tournament for the last seven years by that time. I was genuinely happy for him. That Christmas he tried to coordinate time with my schedule for me to come visit for four days, but no matter how hard we tried to move things around, there was no solution. We decided to quit forcing it, then came to understand when and if the time is right, it will work out smoothly and easily. That was a few Christmases ago and now we only check in with each other once in a blue moon, or in our case during a full moon.

There were multiple lessons and growth that flourished from that relationship. He was indeed a special friend and teacher that crossed my path on this wonderful journey called life. I took every opportunity to tell him how special he was and still is to me. The amazing thing to me is, he voices the same blessings back because that is the man he has become.

How grateful I am to have found the Lord and continue to seek in Him as my number one relationship in my life for without Him, I am nothing. He is the One who has softened my heart and smoothed my edges. Through Him I have learned tolerance and contentment. He has taught me about forgiveness and love and that at the end of His day they are all that should ever matter.

love and forgive

 

 

 

possibilities…

peace

As I walked in the side door, he stood there at the drinking fountain. There was a long pause as he looked up at me, water still pouring out, a smile emerged from his face, “You always look so peaceful”, were the kind, gentle words he uttered. “I do?” Slowly I made my way down the cold and quiet, yet serene hallway. The grin never left his lips. “Thank you”, I said and found I could not stop smiling back.

I had seen this man for some time now in the building, but never really had a conversation with him outside the rooms. Still hanging my lace teddy on his compliment, I walked through the door to my room that held the source where I found that peace and comfort he spoke of.
As I settled in, the door opened and closed, one by one the chairs began to fill up. I had my back to the empty one next to me for a moment and suddenly I heard a familiar voice ask if this seat was taken. “Only by…” I stopped mid sentence, I didn’t finish my thought and he sat down. The meeting was starting and my mind was racing. Did he belong in here? Anyone is welcome to qualify themselves to attend, but still I wondered. Is he another meeting hopper here to pick up on someone? God, not him too.
Sitting there, listening to the preamble begin, first the welcome, then the steps, traditions and obstacles, followed by announcements, introductions and seventh tradition. Now I know his name and he knows mine. My mind drifted back to a few years before where a similar situation occurred, minus the drinking fountain encounter and the tender moment, something was familiar just with a different actor this time.
Back then the scene was me alone, already in the room,  wondering if I was the only one showing up that night.  When suddenly a man my age entered and immediately took the seat next to me. Two more ladies showed up and we began just as we did on this night. After the closing, this man asked me where I had been hiding. I thought, if we weren’t at a recovery meeting, this would have been a weak pickup line. I politely answered and two nights later we found ourselves back in the same room, only this time he had brought a friend. Afterwards, he tried to introduce me to this other man, but I immediately let him know he and I had already known each other for a long time. Before I knew it, I was being swept away to dinner to spend a very pleasant evening with these two wonderful men.  Life was becoming fun again.
By the end of that evening, phone numbers were exchanged between this new man I had just met two days prior and by the end of the week, we had gone on our first date. Within a week’s time, we had become inseparable, introduced our children to each other and vowed we were “going to do this differently than either of us had in the past”. What we meant by that was, we won’t rush into anything. We will take the time to get to know each other. Until our humanness got the best of us and the marathon sex began. I think we lasted almost two months, but to this day we have remained friends.
“Would you like to share tonight?” I heard the words and was nudged on my arm by this new man sitting next to me, “your turn”. Quickly I was brought back to the present moment, “yes,  hi my name is…”. I can’t recall the topic that night or even what I spoke about, but when I was finished, he was next. As he spoke, I heard more than words coming from his mouth. There was wisdom and a surety in his voice that was refreshing to hear. I thought to myself, now this is a man who is working it and walking it, not faking it and talking it. All my preconceived notions of his motives and intentions disappeared.
He stayed on this side of the wall for the long haul. His dedication to recovering himself was very attractive. He was getting it and it showed. I saw him more often as he became a grateful, faithful member who warmed a chair weekly and shared his heart. I found myself looking forward to not only hearing what he had to say, but seeing him across the room.
At some point, the flirting began, but we didn’t take it beyond that. Could this truly be a divine connection? Is this actually how a healthy relationship is formed? I had no idea and I was starting to think neither did he, but the attraction certainly was there. This man was not coming at me, sexually charged or playing any games to fuck with my head. Week after week it was apparent he was showing up, same as I to dig deeper into the process of healing and healthy choices.
He was offered the phone list, which also contained email addresses. It started with an email. “I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to say hi.” My heart raced. He took the time and effort to reach out and connect with me. “I didn’t want to use your phone number without first asking you if I could call you.” I was hooked. It had been a long time since a gentleman had stood in front of me.
The emails while he was at work quickly transitioned into regular daily texts. “You make my day float by.” “I love to soak up that peace and serenity you have.” They went on from there. We were now getting to know each other on a personal level outside the place where we share ESH, pain and the like with others. Were we establishing a friendship? Maybe this is what Mr. Dreamy, as I so affectionately called that last one, were wanting to try but failed at.
This was all strange to me because I only ever knew what it was like to jump right in and be in a relationship. He had me at, “You always look so peaceful” and I was willing to wait this time to see what we could really be.
There was a big speaker/potluck meeting coming up and we both wondered if the other was attending. For whatever reason, we didn’t make a plan to go together, but instead committed to going. This taking it slow arrangement, though it was unspoken, seemed to work for us. However, I was becoming impatient, as my old behavior would dictate. We saw each other and immediately hugged, because that’s what everyone in the rooms do.
The night went on as we listened to the shares of the presenters tell their stories of what it was like before recovery, how their lives have changed and what life is like today. I almost felt like I was back in high school, waiting for the cute boy I had my eye on, ask me to dance so I could go home, dream of him and write his name all over my binder at school.
Well, there was no dancing this night and it was quickly winding up, while I had hoped we might make a coffee date to end the evening with. The large crowd soon thinned out and we found ourselves outside with a few lingering bodies. It was in that instance I realized this man is more timid than I imagined as he approached to hug me goodnight, I thought, “that’s it?”
He got in his truck and I in mine. I saw he had a friend with him to take home and I did too. There I was, sitting in my truck wondering what to do. I decided I had nothing to lose and maybe something to gain, so I shot him a text, “coffee after we drop our obligations home?” Without a hesitation his immediate reply came, “I’ll pick you up in thirty.” Now I really did feel like a school girl again.
Just short of kicking my gal pal out of my truck at the bottom of her driveway, I raced home to freshen up, just as I saw his headlights pull up. By now it was ten o’clock and I couldn’t have been more excited. Was this finally our first date? I had no idea what to expect and I didn’t care. Here it was again, fun to be had.
We kept up the pretense of getting that coffee and then went for a drive. Talking for hours as he continued to drive across the county line and back again. By now it was midnight and we stopped in one of our small towns to walk around. Gratefully we found one open bathroom and as we got to the door, he insisted on checking the stalls to be certain no one was in there. I got the green light and while I was in there, I couldn’t help but think how amazing he was and how safe I felt.
He opened the door for me and we climbed back into his truck once more. “Where to now” I asked. “I don’t know, but I don’t want to take you home yet”, he said, and we drove into the night. We had stopped for gas and before we knew it, the clock struck three a.m. Regretfully he announced he was meeting his daughter early for breakfast and should probably get some rest. A walk to the door, a big hug goodnight and there it was, a warm soft kiss. Walking up the stairs to my room I thought once again, is this what healthy looks like? I’m sure I don’t know, but I had hoped to find out.
healthy relationship
TBC…