I am worth every bit of the pain and ounce of sweat…

I started because You saw something within me. I stuck it out with everything to gain. Today I stay as my confidence is lifted, this is my new domain… 

After a mile run to warmup, the strength work out is next. Eighty-five pounds on my back, 5 x 3 now rack that. Next, how much can I clean in 3 rounds five reps each? Everybody warm now? Let’s go! 

With Pandora blasting a favorite Rise Against song to get us going, the clock starts. It’s me against myself in a warehouse full of weights, ropes, a giant rig and about ten other amazing people. 

Let the “death by 50” WOD begin: 50 calorie row, 50 box jumps, 50 dead lifts, 50 wall ball shots, 50 ring dips, 50 wall ball shots, 50 dead lifts, 50 box jumps, 50 calorie row. 

For my final time of 47.13, one by one, sweaty exhausted bodies begin to drop to the floor. Hearts pumping, breathing heavily while cheering on those still left to finish. 

Proud of my 95 pound dead lifts for a total of 100 and pressed on with the Rx weight of 14 pounds for a total of 100 wall ball shots, a smile emerged from my lips at last. My goal is, don’t watch the clock, to always finish and never fail.

In the midst of it all, I hear the shouting of my name when she says, “you got this!”, then a pat on my ass as he walks by and says, “nice job!” I’m lifted up, encouraged to push harder, do better, get stronger and show up for more tomorrow. 

These sexy calluses on my palms I have earned, each scar tells a story and every bruise eventually fades…

this is Crossfit, my safe community, my team

I have a life to attend to…

twenty-two days ago, no end in sight…

broken heart 2

overwhelming in abundance…

tear 2

eighteen days and counting…

praise

keep on…

waiting

because…

grow strength

then nine days ago… 

knee

gave new meaning to “hit your knees”…

temporary setback, so~

eight days ago a new one of these…

Lion of Judah

because it’s what I do while building…

strength

that is starting to look like this…

IMG_1409

because…

crossfit

filling me up with…

encourage

and suddenly…

Mending_a_Broken_Heart_by_Laffy_Taffy247

since I have been…

hands

today it begins…

Healing_hands

my restoration of power…

I AM SUCHAGIRL, praise God!

It’s the sweat on my back and pain in my body that keeps me going…

press on        My mantra for fitness…

Just yesterday I told the trainer of the day that she was my pace car. She replied, “or maybe you are mine.” We finished a tough, grueling, tiresome workout within .09 seconds of each other. Funny, this picture is what I said to her on our 5th RFT (round for time). It’s not about the time, it’s about finishing, right? She concurred.

Lately I have become borderline obsessed with my cross-fit training. Partly because the Captain pushes me when I want to back out, but mostly because I love how I feel when it’s over. Yesterday Captain sent me a quote/picture that says, “skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked”. I am sure that one is floating around the manosphere. I told him I hope that was a good message for me from him. His reply,”I wouldn’t have sent it if not”. Okay, I accept that.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately, but the wheel is spinning and I see no way off except to fling myself off and pray for a soft but firm landing. Captain is going through some old crap of emotions and needs time to sit with it, walk through it, and come out the other side better for it. I, however, am being a “pain in his ass” and not only is he aware of it, so am I.

This is what injects me with the need to step up my fitness for my core and mental stability. I definitely feel my usually balanced triangle slightly obtuse in form. I come across as needy and whiny, rather revolting I must say. This is not the confident lady I portray these days. Certainly not the one Captain became attracted to in the first place. He told me he “understands this old crap of behavior and where it stems from, but to just knock it off!” Ugh, if only it were that simple.

Well, as always, I had a grand epiphany a few moments ago. I know how I got off-balance, ONEITIS strikes again! I understand myself enough to realize this is a very old pattern of mine, but still it rears its ugly head when I get too comfortable. The difference for me today is that I have a well-rounded, somewhat balanced life. I know that my happiness is my responsibility. So why do I get dependent on that ONE? hmmm…

I have my own business with independent contractors to assist in running it. My life is my own as well as my time, which I take advantage of by taking great care of me! Something I never considered before. I have friends that I don’t really hang out with so much, but we text and have an occasional lunch or “girls night”. (consists of dinner, cocktails, laughing while ignoring the blatant meat stares around us) Realization; I have reached that age and stage in my life where I am content with spending more time with Captain.

How does this tie together with what I started writing about and then landed here? I don’t have a solid answer other than, the freakin’ wheel goes round and round…No wonder the Captain says I am being a pain his ass lately. Gratefully I don’t share his sentiments when he is literally in mine. A whole other blog in itself!

My body, my responsibility, my results…

core~unknown

When Captain first asked me last year if I was ready to step outside my comfort zone (referring to my fitness plan) and try something new, being the obedient F.O., my first initial response was, of course! He explained what he was thinking and had looked into. This is a man who has always been into fitness and active, but only until the recent swallowing of the bitter red pill, did he truly make a commitment. He upped his gym time and somewhat hit a plateau when he discovered a new hardcore gym. He took on the trial and the prerequisite 8 day training course, dabbled a bit, but never fully committed. After my quick, “yes” (because you gals out there know how much we aim to please with full respect) I came up with excuse number one, let me finish school first, then can we revisit it? Yes, three months later, I earned my first degree and graduated. Honestly, I hadn’t thought about his offer on the table since.

One day he went to the old gym, nothing new about that, then said he had signed up for the new one as well. My reaction, as if I had the right to have one was, without me? Whiner, yuk. Being the awesome Captain that he is, replied, “it’s not my job to drag you through. I told you once”. Ouch! He’s right. My body is my responsibility. His is to push me and lead me, but he cannot do it for me.  So he handled signing me up for my training part and now I too was committed.

It has been two months and I am a little more faithful than he is about going, but in all fairness, Captain does have a lot more on his platter than I do on my saucer. He is in incredible shape and his strength is undeniably sexy! Every time I go (three times per week/did I mention hardcore because more might kill me, for now) I text him my PR and he does the same for me. At first, I was all girly brained about it, ah can’t we go together? blah blah blah…It’s hard enough with the men trainers pushing me. If he came to the same session, I’d be worried about what he is thinking, I need to work harder, faster, lift more, checking my form etc…this way he encourages and supports me by hearing my results. It is definitely an exciting commonality we can share and support each other in. The results are amazing and the perks even better.

Today, was not such a difficult workout (no feeling of the puks), but the trainer pushed me as the Captain would (made me wonder if they were in cahoots) heavier weights, more reps. While I always leave and later feel the good soreness from an awesome workout, the gracious praises I was given by Captain made it all worth it! He has pride in me and it shows. He tells me how sexy I am and that it makes him happy when I work hard on my body, for me as well as for him.

It was easy in the past to be that slump who made lame excuses why I didn’t take better care of myself. Lack of time, no energy, kid’s demands on my time…yea yea. I went back to school, became sole proprietor of my business and now my time is my own. (excuse slaughtered) I now have more sexual energy than I ever thought imaginable. Having the sexiest Captain wanting and taking me daily, sometimes 2 or even 3 times, keeps me on track. (another excuse death) The third and final son graduates high school tomorrow…(out of excuses).

Thank you to my Captain for pushing me “to discover that the person that I thought I was is no match for the one I really am”. I adore you!