my life, my world, my choice, my love, my happiness…

there are many layers to this little girl

depths upon depths to her caring soul

capacities to reach, a purpose to fill

all in all sharing love is her ultimate goal

If it’s on my heart, it is going to find its way to my head, pass through a filter and exit through my soft-spoken lips in the form of gentle words. My truth, my fears, my feelings, my soul, raw, naked and revealed.

I ran into a dear old friend today. Our paths haven’t crossed in months. Albeit, I take full responsibility for this as my life has been evolving and taking on new directions, but it was abundantly clear (pointed out to me) that my lack of presence has been acutely noticed and severely missed. “Where have you been?!” were the first exclamatory words tossed my way. A smile emerging from the turned up corners of my mouth. “Oh, you know how life can be, always in session. (giggling to myself at the meaning of that word) It can be incredibly busy as it heads off down several avenues, sparkling with a new adventure around each corner “. An evil yet warm grin came back to me, “Yes well, you are not allowed to just disappear on me. I need you!”  (((hugs))) We are suchgirls2!

A divine appointment? Indeed. We began to bring each other up to speed on what has transpired in her life and the transitions occurring in my own. In the brief period of time we had, we managed to cover a lot of territory and still had air left in our lungs. A bite to eat, shopping and girl talk was exactly what the Good Lord ordered.  As we walked along the sidewalk, another gal pal of ours crossed our paths. It was as if the universe had laid a golden path of estrogen to replenish us and tie our souls together once again.  I simply looked up, smiled with grace, peace and love in my heart while giving praise to the One Who planned this.

It is abundantly clear in these times that my spiritual plane is defined and directed. A greater understanding of what my purpose is. My course is set and I am on track. I am His little girl beautifully and wonderfully made. My Daddy Sir creating me as His own while His lady continues to blossom and unfold before His very eyes.

I am needed, I am missed

I am loved, I do matter, I do exist

I need not fear

for I am loved the message is clear   

My heart overflowing  with love I never knew I could spare

but rather mass-produced with plenty to share…  

possibilities…

peace

As I walked in the side door, he stood there at the drinking fountain. There was a long pause as he looked up at me, water still pouring out, a smile emerged from his face, “You always look so peaceful”, were the kind, gentle words he uttered. “I do?” Slowly I made my way down the cold and quiet, yet serene hallway. The grin never left his lips. “Thank you”, I said and found I could not stop smiling back.

I had seen this man for some time now in the building, but never really had a conversation with him outside the rooms. Still hanging my lace teddy on his compliment, I walked through the door to my room that held the source where I found that peace and comfort he spoke of.
As I settled in, the door opened and closed, one by one the chairs began to fill up. I had my back to the empty one next to me for a moment and suddenly I heard a familiar voice ask if this seat was taken. “Only by…” I stopped mid sentence, I didn’t finish my thought and he sat down. The meeting was starting and my mind was racing. Did he belong in here? Anyone is welcome to qualify themselves to attend, but still I wondered. Is he another meeting hopper here to pick up on someone? God, not him too.
Sitting there, listening to the preamble begin, first the welcome, then the steps, traditions and obstacles, followed by announcements, introductions and seventh tradition. Now I know his name and he knows mine. My mind drifted back to a few years before where a similar situation occurred, minus the drinking fountain encounter and the tender moment, something was familiar just with a different actor this time.
Back then the scene was me alone, already in the room,  wondering if I was the only one showing up that night.  When suddenly a man my age entered and immediately took the seat next to me. Two more ladies showed up and we began just as we did on this night. After the closing, this man asked me where I had been hiding. I thought, if we weren’t at a recovery meeting, this would have been a weak pickup line. I politely answered and two nights later we found ourselves back in the same room, only this time he had brought a friend. Afterwards, he tried to introduce me to this other man, but I immediately let him know he and I had already known each other for a long time. Before I knew it, I was being swept away to dinner to spend a very pleasant evening with these two wonderful men.  Life was becoming fun again.
By the end of that evening, phone numbers were exchanged between this new man I had just met two days prior and by the end of the week, we had gone on our first date. Within a week’s time, we had become inseparable, introduced our children to each other and vowed we were “going to do this differently than either of us had in the past”. What we meant by that was, we won’t rush into anything. We will take the time to get to know each other. Until our humanness got the best of us and the marathon sex began. I think we lasted almost two months, but to this day we have remained friends.
“Would you like to share tonight?” I heard the words and was nudged on my arm by this new man sitting next to me, “your turn”. Quickly I was brought back to the present moment, “yes,  hi my name is…”. I can’t recall the topic that night or even what I spoke about, but when I was finished, he was next. As he spoke, I heard more than words coming from his mouth. There was wisdom and a surety in his voice that was refreshing to hear. I thought to myself, now this is a man who is working it and walking it, not faking it and talking it. All my preconceived notions of his motives and intentions disappeared.
He stayed on this side of the wall for the long haul. His dedication to recovering himself was very attractive. He was getting it and it showed. I saw him more often as he became a grateful, faithful member who warmed a chair weekly and shared his heart. I found myself looking forward to not only hearing what he had to say, but seeing him across the room.
At some point, the flirting began, but we didn’t take it beyond that. Could this truly be a divine connection? Is this actually how a healthy relationship is formed? I had no idea and I was starting to think neither did he, but the attraction certainly was there. This man was not coming at me, sexually charged or playing any games to fuck with my head. Week after week it was apparent he was showing up, same as I to dig deeper into the process of healing and healthy choices.
He was offered the phone list, which also contained email addresses. It started with an email. “I hope you don’t mind, I just wanted to say hi.” My heart raced. He took the time and effort to reach out and connect with me. “I didn’t want to use your phone number without first asking you if I could call you.” I was hooked. It had been a long time since a gentleman had stood in front of me.
The emails while he was at work quickly transitioned into regular daily texts. “You make my day float by.” “I love to soak up that peace and serenity you have.” They went on from there. We were now getting to know each other on a personal level outside the place where we share ESH, pain and the like with others. Were we establishing a friendship? Maybe this is what Mr. Dreamy, as I so affectionately called that last one, were wanting to try but failed at.
This was all strange to me because I only ever knew what it was like to jump right in and be in a relationship. He had me at, “You always look so peaceful” and I was willing to wait this time to see what we could really be.
There was a big speaker/potluck meeting coming up and we both wondered if the other was attending. For whatever reason, we didn’t make a plan to go together, but instead committed to going. This taking it slow arrangement, though it was unspoken, seemed to work for us. However, I was becoming impatient, as my old behavior would dictate. We saw each other and immediately hugged, because that’s what everyone in the rooms do.
The night went on as we listened to the shares of the presenters tell their stories of what it was like before recovery, how their lives have changed and what life is like today. I almost felt like I was back in high school, waiting for the cute boy I had my eye on, ask me to dance so I could go home, dream of him and write his name all over my binder at school.
Well, there was no dancing this night and it was quickly winding up, while I had hoped we might make a coffee date to end the evening with. The large crowd soon thinned out and we found ourselves outside with a few lingering bodies. It was in that instance I realized this man is more timid than I imagined as he approached to hug me goodnight, I thought, “that’s it?”
He got in his truck and I in mine. I saw he had a friend with him to take home and I did too. There I was, sitting in my truck wondering what to do. I decided I had nothing to lose and maybe something to gain, so I shot him a text, “coffee after we drop our obligations home?” Without a hesitation his immediate reply came, “I’ll pick you up in thirty.” Now I really did feel like a school girl again.
Just short of kicking my gal pal out of my truck at the bottom of her driveway, I raced home to freshen up, just as I saw his headlights pull up. By now it was ten o’clock and I couldn’t have been more excited. Was this finally our first date? I had no idea what to expect and I didn’t care. Here it was again, fun to be had.
We kept up the pretense of getting that coffee and then went for a drive. Talking for hours as he continued to drive across the county line and back again. By now it was midnight and we stopped in one of our small towns to walk around. Gratefully we found one open bathroom and as we got to the door, he insisted on checking the stalls to be certain no one was in there. I got the green light and while I was in there, I couldn’t help but think how amazing he was and how safe I felt.
He opened the door for me and we climbed back into his truck once more. “Where to now” I asked. “I don’t know, but I don’t want to take you home yet”, he said, and we drove into the night. We had stopped for gas and before we knew it, the clock struck three a.m. Regretfully he announced he was meeting his daughter early for breakfast and should probably get some rest. A walk to the door, a big hug goodnight and there it was, a warm soft kiss. Walking up the stairs to my room I thought once again, is this what healthy looks like? I’m sure I don’t know, but I had hoped to find out.
healthy relationship
TBC…

 

anticipatory joys of life…

howling at the moon

day filled with chores, a  full moon night, muscle relaxers (for back pain of course) cocktails, music to reminisce by, amazing dinner made by 2 (sort of), followed up with an addictive, fun TV series, empty plates, foreplay on the couch, commands of a cleanup, orders to get into bed and hurry up, candle flickering in the bedroom, Sir awaiting His kitty…

you're mine

all a perfect recipe for one sexy, orgasmic night and a sensual morning

A princess in her heart…

cinderella

What makes a little girl want to be a princess? As that little girl, I must confess, Cinderella was beautiful to me in her rags to riches kind of way. I grew up wanting nothing more than the handsome prince to whisk me away from the life I grew up knowing. She knew what it was like to bow down to pretentiousness and still feel happy on the inside, lucky girl. Those “upper class” people intimidated me, but all I ever wanted was to live freely and comfortable in my own skin. Cinderella’s portrayal of unfaltering self-confidence was something I aspired to.

One day I grew up and forgot all about this animated “idol” of mine. Soon she was replaced by real life, women of flesh. In high school, it started to occur to me that looks seemed to matter if I were ever going to attract the prince.  A few contenders came and went, but not one held the glass slipper. Granted, my standards were not set very high. I  had yet to acquire a proper measuring stick, so I learned quickly how to “settle”. A trait that would stay with me for most of my life.

When this girl’s insides did not match her outsides, it is no wonder that I said yes to marry a man at the age of 20? The cause was from deep wounds of abandonment that were inflicted from childhood. The thinking, or lack there of, would anyone else ever want this broken young lady? Afraid to find out the answer, I settled.

I am without regret as that choice brought me three amazing young men that I am proud to call my sons. However, I never did receive my glass slipper nor did the pumpkins ever transform into a beautiful carriage. This impacting part of my past has brought me to a place where my heart is filled with an abundance of love. I have leaned into God and asked Him to soften and heal my heart for it has truly been broken. By merely asking this of Him two and half years ago, He began to work His miracles. Just when I thought I couldn’t take one more ounce of pain, I could feel the healing from the inside out. I now know that I am worthy of all things good, including the special gift of giving and receiving love.

glass slipper

“The antidote to abandonment is commitment to love”. (Susan Anderson)

I was reminded yesterday of these transformations and that out of the ashes, beauty remains. As I was lying in bed, slowly awakening from a wonderful night, and a beautiful morning, my Sir brought me coffee. His words were gentle as He handed the hot cup of deliciousness to me, through His special little, sexy grin, “Here you go. Wow, someone is being treated like a princess”. In that moment, I was and I felt it…

cinder and her tiara

Captivated by You…

costa rica

waves in the ocean

lying on warm sand

kitty by Your side

with cocktail in hand

melting into the water

the sun begins to set

with Your slight touch

I instantly become wet

darkness settles all around

Sir’s fingers graze my leg

oh please Captain Sir

I begin to beg

crashing of the water

a mist across my face

looking deep into Your eyes

You bring me to that place

under the bright stars

blanketed in the sky

slowly You enter me

never turning from my eye

warm heat from in between

Your lips dripping down

our bodies intertwined

lying on the ground

stillness fills the air 

time is standing still

lost inside the moment

without a single care

back to our room

we manage to find

heavy breaths still linger

remaining on our minds

at last we stumble in

through the open door

back in Sir’s arms

clothes fall to the floor

 lust begins to show

the night quietly ends

unfolding on the bed

 taking me once again…

lovers