submissively struggling though obedience is abound…

Actively participating in a submissive’s own life, apart from and separate to that of its Master/Dominant/Owner. Is this even possible or desirable? Because it is absolutely necessary for us to grow. 

How long have i secretly been imposing, possibly unknowingly and complacently hiding behind The Master’s needs while placing my own responsibilities aside in order to fulfill His completely and efficiently? Did He ask or expect me to in this manner of unmitigated self sacrifice? On the contrary, He expects nothing less than perfectibility on my part for the areas that enrich and help me grow towards self sufficiency, but at the same time to make His life easier in doing so. Otherwise, i am nothing more than a doormat dormant little leach waiting for everyone else, especially The Master, to handle decisions and completely oversee to the entirety of my life. Perhaps this is protocol in other D/s, D/lg, D/bg or M/s relationships, but not ours. It is a requirement that this lg/bg/s/s (yes, we have an established variety that works well for us) attends to the nature of seeing to it that independently, i can thrive. 
Today is a day of which struggle has been a continuous measure between my fear and faith. Within the discomfort, i find strength because i know as i fumble along and take initiative, i will find the direction of my personal purpose. Whereas,
if i wait stagnant with merely good intentions, ultimately i will suffer. 
True to all healthy arrangements in a partnership of any calling, neither respect nor adoration can be obtained let alone be sustained in the absence of self love and sufficiency to some degree, one would assume. 
So again, i remind myself to; 1. ask the question 2. receive the truth 3. remove the fear
Why have i been complacent?
Because i’ve wanted to be completely available to The Master’s disposal for His every need in the moment of His orders.
Is this our arrangement?
Yes Sir of course, but not at the expense of self sabotage or failure.
Are you being successful within our established agreement?
Yes Sir, so it is i that needs to look at my own actions and fears.
Thank You Master for understanding with a gracious, loving heart.
There it is, the truth beyond measure. Activate my faith with fire in my belly. Balance will come when the process is trusted for my higher good. Believe that i am worthy to receive and all things will fall naturally in to its divine place and order. 
and this is why…
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self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

similarly different…

DEFEAT

Controlled into giving up. Head hangs low. Eyes closed tight. Shame abound. Body goes limp. Pride and ego shattered. Spiritually bankrupt. Hidden undercover from the world. Saturated in fear. Afraid to move. More to come. Stay down.  Enemy on the prowl. Worn. Momentary.

Overcome~

SUBMIT

Relinquish control. Readily available and permissible. Tolerate without resistance. Consensually suggestive. Arms stretched out. Hands open to give. Heart receives. Mind is clear. Fully trusting. Spirit enlightened. Purpose acknowledged. Promises implied then fulfilled. Unspoken surety. Honored. Protection proclaimed. Safe.

Continuity~

SURRENDER

Every inch of my body weightless. Taking in a breath, a conscious effort. Exhaling needing a reminder. Two feet on the floor, one in front of the other. Eyes forward, looking up, not down. Glancing back to see how far I’ve come. Heart beat slows just to keep up its pulse. Stumble then fall. Get back up again. Trust the process. light-headed yet clear minded. Calming as still waters. A peacefulness so foreign. Soothing like a baby’s gentle touch. Drenched in comfort. Consumed with contentment. Filled with acceptance. Not an ounce of fight within.

Redemption~

attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

a burden or a little girl in training…

the best one to bear…

It occurred to this little girl today, after a much deserved, constructive conversation with her Daddy, that a portion of her self discovery was uncovered this morning when she felt how much she dislikes being a burden upon another, especially her DD. As this girl sits reflecting upon the events of the morning that led to this difficult reprimand of words, she is realizing how deep these feelings for lack of trust run for her. 

This girl can sit on her pity pot and blame the arrogant, unavailable step father who made her to feel as a child that she was always in the way. That her existence didn’t matter and even less, her feelings, words, worries or concerns along with any successes, triumphs or victories she accomplished. She could, but what good could come of feeling sorry for herself? It is no wonder that when this little girl who is residing within, whom her Daddy Dom nurtures and embraces, can become irritated and perplexed with this little girl’s certain behaviors?

We are a work in progress in our semi-newly, reestablished dynamic that once upon a time was strictly D/s without “sub”titles. When these instances arise as “issues”, this little girl can become frightened as she once did long ago, that her Daddy will shun her as well. This girl is starting to learn that her Daddy is safe and not to be feared as the evil stepfather was. Daddy truly cares about His little girl and wants to understand her and the why’s for this and that, but the answers don’t come by Him easily, nor do they for this little girl. Confusion can cloud her bad decisions in these crucial moments where the big girl needs to be more present. This can be the most challenging of times. 

Communication is of the utmost importance to Daddy as well it ought to be, for without proper practice and utilization of these imperative skills, He is left with frustration. The results also lead this girl to severe consequences that can be very difficult to receive. Worse than any punishment is Daddy’s being quiet while He processes things which ultimately puts this little girl in a lengthy time out. 

There are so very many parts to living a D/s lifestyle, no matter the “sub”titles within, little girls must contend with so very much, but our Daddy’s have quite the burdens and responsibilities to carry. It is this little girl’s desire to pay closer attention to His and to stop contributing to them, but instead to alleviate the ones she can while refraining from unjustifiably creating new ones. 

This post has become somewhat of a declaration and promise to my Daddy. This little girl will work harder on her communication skills by fearing less, trusting more and understanding that her Daddy is her safety zone. He is the One who lifts her up to be the best girl she can possibly be because He believes in her!

                       Thank You my glorious wonderful Daddy… XO

random things that make this lg say, yum and hmm…

Fear has no place in our world as it can be cunning and this lg finds herself in an internal battle that she loses each and every time. Trusting that Daddy knows me better than i know myself is astounding. He listens and takes things into consideration, but i understand it is ultimately up to Him while my input is noted.

Squirms under His control, knowing full well i am secure, i endure, wanting this to escalate as the pain turns to pleasure, the wetness giving away my sin~cerity, Daddy persists, silencing my wincing, covering my mouth, kisses follow, i relax, He continues…

morning sex

The aroma of the mixed con”cock”tions from our juices left over from the evening before were potent as Daddy awoke His little girl’s senses once more in the wee hours of the morning. Gentle tugs on His now sore nipples from being well used, joined together with His big firm hands that engulf His tits while intertwining His strong legs with hers. As the intoxicating scent exhumed from beneath the covers this little girl is instantly aroused, soaked, wanting her Daddy with such desire. Daddy’s moans reveal the same as He finds His wetness yet again. “Good girl, just the way I like to find my kitty” as He begins to slide up and down, His cock hardening all over again…

Pushing this lg’s limits, Daddy satisfies His wants by taking what is His while fulfilling our fantasies as our bodies and souls connect deeper than imaginable. Moving beyond the touches of skin, erotic moans that fill the air and arousal that comes with a simple graze of His fingertips across His little girl’s body. His words accompanied with “baby” or “little girl” create an eagerness to please and serve Him always in all ways…

Training His girl in ways that used to merely spark His imagination have been brought to life. Creating an even safer place where vulnerability is embraced and caressed, this lg’s submission is becoming more intense. Daddy has added new toys to the nearly full box now. Additions to the family that Daddy had only envisioned until recently.  The reception from His girl has pleased Him beyond what His lg believes He’s ever dreamed possible. Well…

Daddy’s invasion of His little girl’s mind is a constant as is her submission to Him. His ability to continually keep control is a powerful gift bestowed upon this beauty of a Man that i am learning can be wearing on Him at times. Respectfully i share, “Daddy, in a sense i am training You as well, don’t You think? By training i mean, You are letting me do more for You than before Sir”. “Mmm hmm yes little girl, I can see that”, now all she wants is to suck her “thumb”…

Together we are learning as we evolve further into our DD/lg lifestyle.