Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

Mortality, Humanness, Spirituality, Love…

Ray October 2015

This man was 81 years old when he entered my life four years ago. Not because  he asked for my help, but because someone told him he could no longer take care of himself. From that point on, all life’s decisions would be made for him.

I watch the cruelty of your condition rob you of your memory and in your ability to be present for your life. In the beginning it didn’t seem to bother you, to have a constant parade of young ladies come and go. throughout your days. I suppose it would be most men’s dream, but not likely given these circumstances. 

Mostly your days have been filled with laughter, song, dance and stories from long ago. Every meal prepared and served before you. All the domestic chores and shopping handled while you carry on thriving daily in familiar surroundings. You keep us on our toes, learning to not turn our back in case the over-exuberant you surfaces to be extra playful in the moment. Your vulgarity makes us giggle, advance attempts are harmless we’ve learned and in your nature, while your gentility warms our hearts. 

It saddens me more now, your inability to be concise in communicating your ailments which ultimately have become your demise. It took the logical thinker to tell this emotional girl the right thing to do was to take you back to the hospital. This is your third time there now and they tell us it will be your last. The option to take you home to provide you with comfort care through the end of your life is going to be the final big choice made for you in the morning. 

I left you there in capable hands for one more night. As I drove out to make sure your cat was fed and your property ready to receive your return where it will keep you for your final days, the personal sadness washed over me. I’ve learned through sudden tragedy what devastation can bring and also the fragility and value of life, but to be an assistant to God’s divine plan is uncomfortable  in the very least. 

Decisions on your behalf to be made next as we walked through the glass doors to the world outside. So much traffic busting at the seams as the hustle and bustle of last minute shoppers congest every road and I am desperate to make my escape. 

At last I pulled over along the roadside of a massive hill overlooking our pretty little town. There I sat writing these words and watching the sun go down on this day. Its starting to turn colder as the storm begins to move in. I picture you lying in that hospital room, highly sedated, feeling no pain and now sleeping so soundly. I couldn’t help but think how alone you truly are and have been for so long. We have become your family, the only faces you have known, to love and to trust in these last year’s of your earthly walk. My thoughts, they turned to my own life as they often do during times like these, but somehow things feel different for me. Not sorrow for what lies ahead for you my dear friend, but sadness perhaps from the void that erupts when I go inside my head. 

My heart has softened so over the years as clients come and clients go, but none have been quite as entrenched and made such an imprint as this man has. Maybe because I too can relate to that orphan type mindset. Though he presently can’t comprehend the difference of his current state of being, his heart it does understand. 

I feel blessed having the honor to be an intricate piece and make even the smallest differences in your life. Tonight I asked God to please reveal to me the lesson and message He is showing me through this experience. Because all I feel as I look to the valley below, is alone, empty and blue. I never thought I’d be one of the many who can’t feel the merriment and joy that this holiday season typically brings. The cause is more than this immediate situation. Feelings stirred up from the residue left over

by the past and the fear that is induced through uncertainty.

The prayer is redundant, but God is unfailing, “Lord please fill me full with Your love and lead me down the path You have chosen especially for me. You’ve walked beside me over the mountains and pulled me up from the valleys below. Through You I am strengthened without I am weak. Remind me who I am in You, fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen”

Tomorrow we bring you back to the place you call home. Where you will live out the rest of your days until you lay down for your final rest to be with The Lord. I pray for your transformation of new comfort, exclusion of pain and wholeness you will one day know again.

Good night and God bless You always…

similarly different…

DEFEAT

Controlled into giving up. Head hangs low. Eyes closed tight. Shame abound. Body goes limp. Pride and ego shattered. Spiritually bankrupt. Hidden undercover from the world. Saturated in fear. Afraid to move. More to come. Stay down.  Enemy on the prowl. Worn. Momentary.

Overcome~

SUBMIT

Relinquish control. Readily available and permissible. Tolerate without resistance. Consensually suggestive. Arms stretched out. Hands open to give. Heart receives. Mind is clear. Fully trusting. Spirit enlightened. Purpose acknowledged. Promises implied then fulfilled. Unspoken surety. Honored. Protection proclaimed. Safe.

Continuity~

SURRENDER

Every inch of my body weightless. Taking in a breath, a conscious effort. Exhaling needing a reminder. Two feet on the floor, one in front of the other. Eyes forward, looking up, not down. Glancing back to see how far I’ve come. Heart beat slows just to keep up its pulse. Stumble then fall. Get back up again. Trust the process. light-headed yet clear minded. Calming as still waters. A peacefulness so foreign. Soothing like a baby’s gentle touch. Drenched in comfort. Consumed with contentment. Filled with acceptance. Not an ounce of fight within.

Redemption~

thoughts are strong, words are powerful…

Critical expressions meant to enrich me for betterment

Yet stand all alone when delivered in judgement…

 Pursuant in romance as the beginning stage fades slowly away

To cherish my gifts renders a promise not to sway…

“You made my heart sing with energy that draws me near

A look so propelling from such a beautiful woman

my words no longer clear

Too special a creature extraordinary by any form

A body by definition sensual and warm

Those eyes incredibly piercing the deepest shade of blue

Intellectual and sexy a lady all the way through

 That smile makes me tingle knowing I put it there

Breathless and provocative a treasure I’ll never share

Flirtatious sometimes teasing relentlessly so

Bringing me to my knees directionless which way to go

Offer up protection safe from any harm

Uplifting comes easy take comfort in my arm”

These simple phrases that keep me by your side

Stimulating strokes of my hair make me willing to abide

Firm strong intentions felt in Your grasp

Evoking confidence to inspire respect that will last

Gifts in kind gestures that may appear to You as trite

Unravel my heart that cries out in sheer delight

A flowering bud blossoms its petals while opening slow

Peaking in warm sunlight just beginning to grow

Soothing words offered intently with subtlety and ease

Bring over time and again my willingness to please

attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

in Daddy’s absence He assures His little girl…

It’s only temporary

it isn’t permanent

It’s only six weeks

it isn’t forever

It’s only going away

it isn’t leaving you

It’s only sad feelings

it isn’t a fact

It’s only the truth

it isn’t a lie

It’s only this little girl’s heart

is isn’t going to die

XO lg

the newest me…

How did I get so far behind

Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out

Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line

Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside

I have baggage left to unload

Willing to work at it and no longer hide

Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove

Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars

After all they once cut through so much left to prove

I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward

The process is on a continuum basis  

and I am forever moving onward

There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand

If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave

for all that once troubled me surely would be gone

Since time has the only healing power

The virtue of prosperity patience and love  

I must seek from my strong tower

I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws

I wasn’t created as such  

Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause

 Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire 

To always give and receive love

Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar

Seek contentment happiness and joy 

Carry it with me let it spill over 

These are the things I can employ

 I know today that I am easy to love 

My barriers are down this heart is receptive

I am being restored from the heavens above

The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace

Memories of old formed my character to be

I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face 

Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul

What you will see if you truly seek to find  

a sparkling new me beginning to glow

singing my own praises…

I am not a full participant in my own life. For as long as I can remember, the definition of me has always been dependent upon you. My happiness derived from your contentment. Often I choose solitude over seeking fulfillment of experiences. Seemingly glad to wait the time for me to decide my fate while life is in session. The parade of opportunity and destiny passes me by. Another task to conquer first then the rewards shall be mine, but that day doesn’t come.

Permission is not granted to take a break and enjoy the moment at hand. Still, there is far to go before a breath can be fully absorbed. Hold tight to the ropes and shackles that bind. Exhaling is a luxury when there’s still so much to accomplish the illusions I create in my mind.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” I once heard someone say. The memo was lost somewhere along the way; “Life is too short to not take that gamble, that risk or leap of faith”. Still I practice patience, trust what I cannot see and wait in the balance. Others flutter by me some a mere blur. Their arms gesture a, “come join me”, but still I stare. Standing in wonder sometimes at what their lives hold, the treasures and secrets they get to share.

So I continue this journey on the path of straight and narrow. A good girl I’ve only ever known how to be. Scared to do it afraid, quite the conundrum when I think about it. I shrug towards them to the point of an ironic giggle. Someone said to me recently, “I can’t believe you would do this (enormous gesture) for me when you won’t even consider doing it for yourself”. Still learning to honor me.

His statement gave me great pause and I thought, no one has ever asked me to put my life on hold. It has been by my own hand and fear of losing something that I make these choices. If I move too quickly or freely without a care, but with regard to my own thoughts and actions, what will you do? After all that’s only considerate of me, but it’s what I witness in action of you, to thine own self be true.

When may I begin to see that I too deserve to live a life that was intended to be honored, full of love, happiness, comfort, tolerance, compassion and joy, carefree and in this moment content to simply be me. Walk parallel with you even one length aside, joined together in partnership truly taking things in stride, witnessing the miracles as they lay across our path, my hand in yours embracing of this great big world a warm, gentle bath.

Alone is not the purpose of which we were created to be. Things are unimportant in comparison to unity. If I had a magic wand a hypnotic spell to cast over, I’d wash away the burdens and contradictions that loom above and hover. Inside my eager heart often I do pray for clarity and direction. At the same time I toss in, “and God reveal to him as You may, your intention and affection”. Keep making me whole and complimentary to this world as I am meant to be that blessing, the one who touches the souls who are lost and in need.

Alone I came upon this glorious fruitful earth. Divided by the works of some I learned to quietly accept and ingest what was given. Figure out the difficulties a way to overcome. Do what you are told and the battle will be done. Peace shall consume this soul of impurities just as love has redeemed most of my wounds and insecurities.

I shall never give up on myself as challenging as I can become. Rendered a blessing to most a powerful influence of one, the messenger, a vessel with a grand assignment to be done. Remove thyself from your shadow my own light I must exhume, I’ve placed myself in the darkness now I must resume.

Who branded me of such limitation that I was not worthy for more than merely a frustration? I speak reverently of you as my promise and devotion all the while an inside disruption from non-reciprocal emotion. Opposites of attraction deemed such a quality match, tolerance and deep understanding are a kinder to my heart that you are the righteous catch. I have looked deep between the lines and found many triumphs and great pleasure that I truly am that golden harp laden with beauty for you to treasure…

my life, my world, my choice, my love, my happiness…

there are many layers to this little girl

depths upon depths to her caring soul

capacities to reach, a purpose to fill

all in all sharing love is her ultimate goal

If it’s on my heart, it is going to find its way to my head, pass through a filter and exit through my soft-spoken lips in the form of gentle words. My truth, my fears, my feelings, my soul, raw, naked and revealed.

I ran into a dear old friend today. Our paths haven’t crossed in months. Albeit, I take full responsibility for this as my life has been evolving and taking on new directions, but it was abundantly clear (pointed out to me) that my lack of presence has been acutely noticed and severely missed. “Where have you been?!” were the first exclamatory words tossed my way. A smile emerging from the turned up corners of my mouth. “Oh, you know how life can be, always in session. (giggling to myself at the meaning of that word) It can be incredibly busy as it heads off down several avenues, sparkling with a new adventure around each corner “. An evil yet warm grin came back to me, “Yes well, you are not allowed to just disappear on me. I need you!”  (((hugs))) We are suchgirls2!

A divine appointment? Indeed. We began to bring each other up to speed on what has transpired in her life and the transitions occurring in my own. In the brief period of time we had, we managed to cover a lot of territory and still had air left in our lungs. A bite to eat, shopping and girl talk was exactly what the Good Lord ordered.  As we walked along the sidewalk, another gal pal of ours crossed our paths. It was as if the universe had laid a golden path of estrogen to replenish us and tie our souls together once again.  I simply looked up, smiled with grace, peace and love in my heart while giving praise to the One Who planned this.

It is abundantly clear in these times that my spiritual plane is defined and directed. A greater understanding of what my purpose is. My course is set and I am on track. I am His little girl beautifully and wonderfully made. My Daddy Sir creating me as His own while His lady continues to blossom and unfold before His very eyes.

I am needed, I am missed

I am loved, I do matter, I do exist

I need not fear

for I am loved the message is clear   

My heart overflowing  with love I never knew I could spare

but rather mass-produced with plenty to share…