I drove by your house today…

The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found. 

A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home. 

I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.

As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.

For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence, that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)

Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.

No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.

I drove by your house today…

maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…

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Going through the motions…

Help me Lord

Something has changed and I think it is me

I am not the girl I used to be

once timid and shy

lacking confidence and esteem always afraid to try

invisible I became in a shell I hid inside

the safest place I chose to reside

never feeling a sense of belonging I tried to break free

all I ever wanted was just to be me

choices were a luxury escaping from my life

settling on the things that came no matter what the strife

any power I may have owned was taken without a fight

further disappearing into the darken night

soon to discover it wasn’t others who took my heart

it was my own undoing I gave it freely only to be torn apart

starving for that special affection taking any morsel offered

I’d find myself once again heading in the wrong direction

I gave the desperate need to fill this empty hole

looking back it is becoming clear who broke this wounded soul

a little girl without her daddy simply wanting his protection

couldn’t stand alone again feeling the cutting rejection

losing mom felt the same once more

only this time I would slam the door

with my heart completely shredded how could I believe

that I would ever be worthy of love so deserving to receive

I have grown in strength looking to heaven above

from my Heavenly Father I am filled with love

He has never left abandoned or forsaken

it was I who never leaned on Him until my world was taken

today I pray God please heal the little girl bind up her gaping wound

she never asked for anything more than to feel love please bring it to her soon

as the inside work is being done moved and shifted around

I feel the torment of uncomfortable feelings that God is tearing down

He is lifting me high assuring me now

I will be alright He promises He is showing me how

be patient with Me child is all that I ask

you do the work while I perform the task

through all the emotions the vast array of feelings

the road seems endless to get to the healing

in my life I want peace though daunting and bleak

to be unshackled from my past is all that I seek…

healing grace