self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

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I drove by your house today…

The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found. 

A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home. 

I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.

As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.

For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence, that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)

Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.

No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.

I drove by your house today…

maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…

this is how i process, so deal with it…

heart-in-cage-Wallpaper

My heart has been buried alive

not once or twice but more than I care to admit

Back then I impetuously accused you for all things that went wrong 

As you watched me bleed because you would not commit

One after another my pattern unclear 

Is something offensively wrong with me

Yet I needed to draw you near

For a lifetime now I owned the words

accepted all the shame

Lies, deceit and opposition 

Pick your poison as it manifests it’s how we play the game 

 Which one is sicker in the end who stands tall

I stay to the death committed and strong 

Or perhaps it’s defeat as I begin to fall

A martyr once was the role I  wore best

Till one day victory won over 

Putting me to the test

How far can she bend till she breaks inside

Twisted like an old oak 

But more like a palm tree holding its pride

Brush it off this current layer of sludge 

Never mind what they’ve all told you

Only bitterness holds a grudge

Your spirit is within a bright and mighty soul

They never mean to harm and scathe

it’s just who they are 

It’s up to you to relinquish all the illusion of control

I am more than enough this lady worth having solely 

You will never convince me otherwise

Because I will always love you wholly 

I’m reminded who I am each time the sun sets low

A wonderful package full and complete 

A display of wonders to be lifted up never held below

A treasured one to behold, loved, honored and cherished

It’s not your fault you couldn’t see my value for all its worth

So hold your head low and watch as we parish 

It came to this as it typically does the inferno shoots the flame 

I have it all… heart, body, mind and soul

There is only you to blame 

Sleep well my little time bomb… 

Time-Bomb-Fuse-Ignite-Explosion-2 (1)

if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

people care and have paid attention…

Living with such intensity

Putting myself out there for all the world to see

Roads paved with mock~able beta men

Passively addressing leaving me to remember when

How I craved the sternness and power under Your control

The subtle consensual exchange as we began to grow

A glance over my shoulder not a single moment of regret

Carefully selected by You made me never to forget

Just sitting there approached from everywhere I turn

My head fully aware that my heart stings from the burn

Dance with this one and from that one accept another drink

Don’t get so close stop touching me please I am on the brink

They all feel so wrong knowing what they are after

I am not for them this feels like a cruel joke but I’ve yet to hear the laughter

Days are fading into night plans we made coming up fast

Distracting myself from disbelief that we were not to last

My thoughts interrupted by an inquisitive friend wanting simply just to know

“where’s your man” the quiet words whispered from my lips “He let me go”

Not knowing what to say he shook his head with charm

followed with an “I’m so sorry” and a gentle caress upon my arm

We had become iconic Daddy and me in our tiny little town

People taking comfort seeing us around

“You always looked so happy” more soothing words they say

“I thought we were” is all I reply “but here we are today”

Stop dwelling my head tells my heart

How can we heal and move on while we remain torn apart

I’ll get there when I’m ready to stop bathing in the sorrow

I know there has to be a joyful and brighter tomorrow

Life keeps on turning with the kindness of others who mean well

Continued reminders of what once was now only time will tell

You always seemingly knew what was for the best

This time a standing ovation putting us to rest

Now the silent promise to Yourself keep a safe distance so not to stumble

Severed and all alone assuring us not to crumble

No one seems to understand the ache I bear within

Desperately wanting to lunge me forward to begin anew once again

As Daddy already declared that time is all that can fill

The broken-hearted emptiness but for now time is standing still

kitty…XO

in Daddy’s absence He assures His little girl…

It’s only temporary

it isn’t permanent

It’s only six weeks

it isn’t forever

It’s only going away

it isn’t leaving you

It’s only sad feelings

it isn’t a fact

It’s only the truth

it isn’t a lie

It’s only this little girl’s heart

is isn’t going to die

XO lg

alone…

alone is often how this girl does feel

more than a sense of solitude her loneliness to reveal

the dark corners can be so unkind

attempts to shirk the uneasiness of her mind

the perpetual sounds of silence so deafening to her ear

interrupted by her own subdued voice she does hear

concentrating for a moment to feel her deep breath

count back from one hundred slowly in and out feels like death

why the agonizing torture to stand in her own solitude  

uncomfortable things happened not allowing her to seek gratitude

a daunting task embracing the quiet and peaceful stance

when all this girl wants is to share in the dance

the one called life where love is all that matters

her heart overflowing with such an abundance as it flatters

Lord fill up the empty partitions of this girl’s space

shine down upon her Your mercy and grace

let Him be abundantly clear of all He is deserving

this girl is capable of giving a life worth preserving

to honor and respect Him hold it all so tight

alone she prays not to be for even one more night

 

Sir is far away…

spooning

the warmth of Your breath on my back

as You drift off to sleep

listening to You gently exhale

my body for You to keep

be still so not to wake You

time frozen for now

soon the plane will whisk You away

relax You say but how

far from home

from everyday strife

(from me)

and from life

Sir how I will miss You

as You ascend into the air

exhausted yet so filled up

from the last hours that we shared

between trips Sir took me

never wanting it to end

so much pleasure and passion

again and again and again…

while You count hours

for Your feet to hit ground

I watch the clock

till Your flight touches down

You assure I will be just fine

for this longer stint apart

You Sir are always right

and deep within my heart

at last to hear Your voice

see a distorted picture view

a breath it did escape me

every minute something new

what feels like an eternity

is really a moment in time

until then I’ll find much to do

to occupy my mind

a test without Your presence

from only the week before

I need to handle things without You

my promise to Sir whom I adore

being His good girl

Sir will reward His Kitty

loyal devoted always true

keep proving myself worthy

firm hand