attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…



He says, “I can only love you MY way”…

the right man...

When you fell for him, he was already a man…let him be one now!

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine, (she is more like a spiritual mom to me) shared these words from her husband of 37 years. “You want me to love you “Suzie’s” way, but I can only love you “Dave’s” way. I found it to be the most profound thing this truly, alpha man has ever said.

Looking back I can recall the multitude of ways this now, 74-year-old man, was a strong leader and a man who knew exactly what he wanted. His frame never faltered, his decision always final and his lovely wife fought him every step of the way. Submit and obey have never been in her vocabulary and I don’t expect they ever will be at her age of 74.

Yes, if we are doing the math, she was strongly influenced by the feminist acts. More importantly, she had lived through some personal tragedies that also formed her opinion of men. I consider myself to be blessed having had this woman grace my life with her experiences and wisdom.

She listened to me for years when I was facing my own challenges of being a newly single mom. She held my heart when I thought it would never mend, She loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. Most importantly, she encouraged and supported me every step of the way through all my triumphs. She taught me to lift my left hand up and reach over my right to pat my own back and not wait for another to validate me. I started to grow up into a new, confident, self-supporting lady. On those days when i just wanted to give up, she showed me that I indeed could take another step forward.

One day, I started to notice something I hadn’t really paid attention to before. This lovely woman, whom I’d admired for so long, was showing her true colors to me. Soon I realized she was continuing to talk about the same issues she had with her husband, for as long as I had known her. If that wasn’t difficult enough to listen to, she had very little respect for him. She didn’t have his back, but instead, she talked behind it. This did not feel right to me. In fact, I was very bothered by it.

I had been observing these two all along and thought their playful ways were part of what kept their marriage alive. She continued to try to change him to suit her needs around every turn. He shot her down either with his harsh, firm words or he simple carried on with what he was doing, never missing a beat. The results, a temper tantrum from this grown woman, acting like a four-year old. The harder she pushed, the further he retreated. Then one day he said those infamous words.

For that brief moment in time, I think she got it. She had spent most of their life together making strong attempts to change this already fine man into her ideal mate when he was already just that. It took me over a year to understand why I had slowly been led away from this beautiful soul that I once looked to for guidance and acceptance. I didn’t share her beliefs and attitude towards men in general, let alone the man in her life. He is a true Captain that has been disrespected far too long.

I had an epiphany the other day that helped me accept Captain exactly for the man he already is, all because of “Dave’s” simple statement, “I can only love you Dave’s way”. I wasn’t on a mission to change the Captain by any means, I merely wanted something to be a different way, MINE. That is such old girl behavior for me that I have been diligently changing. Captain is the man I truly adore, exactly how he is, in every moment. Any changes he chooses are for his own best interest, not of my doing.

This was a nutshell of a huge awareness I have been blessed to grasp. It has not only saved me from a lot of trouble, but has opened my eyes even more to what really matters to me.