Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.
i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone
As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone
How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone
Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me
Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me
Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me
i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him
Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;
Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You
i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task
i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…
When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter
Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack
The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations
Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting
One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence
The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a firm structured frame
Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward
Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving
Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress
Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position
Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt
Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real
Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet
Love solely with a pure and gentle heart
Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…
Maybe it’s all in her headshe wonders if He thinks she doesn’t knowshe remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dreadinstinct is a peculiar feelingvery seldom wrongshe has learned to listen intently to itnot push aside or place on ignorethis powerful message is what keeps her strongshe carries on acting as if wanting this life to be realher best effort put forward to honor serve and pleaseher heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feelin her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hidedeny what was right in front of hernot face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much insidesmile through the daysin the night He is right therewhat really ventures through our mindsenjoy this moment in time knowing how much we sharebeing this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tiredHe reminds her often this is no easy taska consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wiredso much to learn as her training continues she steadily growsnot wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving armsHis property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knowsone thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise aboveunderstanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trustin return she desires to receive His security protection and lovethe day washes over them our small town fun we did partakelaughing and drinking talking and playinga beautiful day please never let me be awaketears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained faceThe Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embracethe liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
…may I please have a date on the calendar and a time on the clock then?
This is how it will start, my notes, my story, my life. God is amazing. He always does for me what I usually can never do for myself. Either because I am afraid and I don’t trust the process, or I simply lack the strength to do the right thing. I don’t have to like it, but as long as I accept it, I can get to the other side a little quicker, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. He reminds me I am never alone as long as I walk with Him…
I’m getting a little bit stronger…
my saving grace song no matter how much love lingers in my heart for you
trust the unseen
you think that you know
the blinders came off
to expose the awful show
a fool in your own eyes
in your heart a disaster
your mind played tricks
while you tried to run faster
away from the reality
look in the mirror
what do you see
nowhere to hide
this time I chose me
hold tight to your heart
regain your dignity
no regrets or remorse
celebrate your victory
you’ve always had a choice
how quickly you get lost
led down the dark and narrow
possessed and then tossed
out of the ashes beauty remains
you’ve experienced more pain than a lifetime should hold
the healing is coming as you draw Him close to you
always remember you have a heart made of gold
I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this;
I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.
If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.
Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.
time stands still as Your heart beats slow
hitting Your knees head sinks low
guilt rages within eyes overflow
looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow
pain so intense next time You will know…
feed me and You will see me grow
water me and You will see me shine
give me light and You will see me glow
lift me up and You will see me free
plant me and You will see me stand tall
teach me and You will see me be all there is to be
talk to me and You will see me abound
praise me and You will see me bloom
love me and You will see me firmly on the ground
the best one to bear…
It occurred to this little girl today, after a much deserved, constructive conversation with her Daddy, that a portion of her self discovery was uncovered this morning when she felt how much she dislikes being a burden upon another, especially her DD. As this girl sits reflecting upon the events of the morning that led to this difficult reprimand of words, she is realizing how deep these feelings for lack of trust run for her.
This girl can sit on her pity pot and blame the arrogant, unavailable step father who made her to feel as a child that she was always in the way. That her existence didn’t matter and even less, her feelings, words, worries or concerns along with any successes, triumphs or victories she accomplished. She could, but what good could come of feeling sorry for herself? It is no wonder that when this little girl who is residing within, whom her Daddy Dom nurtures and embraces, can become irritated and perplexed with this little girl’s certain behaviors?
We are a work in progress in our semi-newly, reestablished dynamic that once upon a time was strictly D/s without “sub”titles. When these instances arise as “issues”, this little girl can become frightened as she once did long ago, that her Daddy will shun her as well. This girl is starting to learn that her Daddy is safe and not to be feared as the evil stepfather was. Daddy truly cares about His little girl and wants to understand her and the why’s for this and that, but the answers don’t come by Him easily, nor do they for this little girl. Confusion can cloud her bad decisions in these crucial moments where the big girl needs to be more present. This can be the most challenging of times.
Communication is of the utmost importance to Daddy as well it ought to be, for without proper practice and utilization of these imperative skills, He is left with frustration. The results also lead this girl to severe consequences that can be very difficult to receive. Worse than any punishment is Daddy’s being quiet while He processes things which ultimately puts this little girl in a lengthy time out.
There are so very many parts to living a D/s lifestyle, no matter the “sub”titles within, little girls must contend with so very much, but our Daddy’s have quite the burdens and responsibilities to carry. It is this little girl’s desire to pay closer attention to His and to stop contributing to them, but instead to alleviate the ones she can while refraining from unjustifiably creating new ones.
This post has become somewhat of a declaration and promise to my Daddy. This little girl will work harder on her communication skills by fearing less, trusting more and understanding that her Daddy is her safety zone. He is the One who lifts her up to be the best girl she can possibly be because He believes in her!