the can’s and cannot’s…

burning heart
Today is not the day I will stop loving you.
Today is not the day I will forgive you.
Today is not the day I will understand you.
Today is not the day I will forget your words.
Today is not the day I will heal.
Today is not the day I will have peace around this.
Today is not the day I will be unattached.
Today is not the day I will close my eyes and not see the visions.
Today is not the day I will feel this all a bad dream.
Today is not the day I will forget what I should not be remembering.
Today is not the day I will let it all go.
Today is not the day I will make revolve around you.

 

loveforgiveness 2

However…               

Today is a day I will still love you.
Today is a day I will seek to start forgiving you.
Today is a day I will attempt to understand you.
Today is a day I will attempt to forget cruel words spoken by you.
Today is a day I will begin to heal.
Today is a day I will allow peace within.
Today is a day I will try my hand at detaching with love.
Today is a day I will close my eyes and smile thinking about parts of you.
Today is a day I will hope to one day be in acceptance.
Today is a day I will remember what I should not forget.
Today is a day I will strive to let a piece of this go.
Today is my day and it will begin with me.
love on fire

a lost kitty…

sad kitty

Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.

He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?

As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and  her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.

The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.

Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.

Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear.  How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.

As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.

We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.

Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are  his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.

For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.

In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.

It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…

trust in the Lord

be in a commitment or be committed…

thinker

Deep in thought about respect, love, honor, loyalty and submission. All of which I have and willingly give to my Sir. The question arises now, do I have these coming back to me. I cannot definitively say anymore as new light is shed upon circumstances beyond my comprehension to hold. Discretion is not a fine tuned practice for anyone and I am not immune to it. So now I ask myself, if I am not being exclusively committed to, should I be committed? This gives me pause, reason to ponder and reevaluate my own boundaries.

I have grown in my love for my Sir. Given full submission to Him and gratefully surrender my mind, body and soul to Him. Upon meeting this beautiful soul just shy of three years ago, I was determined not to let Him near my heart, let alone my body. Sir was (and still is) easy on the eye. Our ability to carry on an easy flowing conversation was very attractive to me. His emotional maturity refreshing along with His natural way of leading. It was only a matter of months before I was in. One morning out to breakfast together, after a guise of seeing His new mantel and wood stove, before I knew it, Sir “took what was His” and has ever since.

Although we were both very vanilla back then, not having the pleasure of voicing our desires in either of our past lives, we slowly began to discover deeper sensual things about the other.  Even then, the submission had begun for me as He was learning to exercise the true Man that resided within and I the sub wanting to explode and surrender to Him.

It wasn’t until earlier this year that Sir introduced a new lifestyle, one toy, one erotic scene, one conversation at a time. At last our kinks, fetishes, mutual desires began to be revealed. Exploration of the other introduced an entire new form of this flourishing relationship we now refer to as D/s.

So I am in conflict with myself, my feelings and mostly my own boundaries of what I am willing to participate in. As a beautiful, willing, young enough sub who strives hard and succeeds most of the time to please her Sir, I am praying for the courage to share my truth, speak from my heart and say out loud to my Sir what He already knows. The fact that I not only need exclusiveness I have to feel secure in this wish that He is capable of honoring it. In order for me to continue our journey together along this path that He paves the way for, I must use my voice.

The struggle remains because the outcome is unknown. What I do know is I have but this one life and I no longer intend to live it in wonder and confusion. I allowed myself to remain in an unhealthy marriage ten years longer than I ought to have when it was clearly sentenced to death long before. Sir had a very similar experience and close to the same length of dreaded time. In actuality, this is the first working, healthy relationship either of us has ever encountered because we are both working on our own “stuff”. We have taken risks in each other, invested more than I ever thought possible. Each worthy of the other. This is in no way to have the feel of or give a sense of an ultimatum. I would never disrespect my Sir in that way. It is the fact merely suggesting that I am aware I must be true to me. He wouldn’t want me any other way.

I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, nor is perfection something I aspire to, but rather living up to the very best of my capabilities is my goal. Sir pushes me hard to achieve these and He sees the positive outcome in the results. He reminds me that it makes Him happy and it pleases Him very much . In turn, those compliments encourage me to work harder whether it be for my career, my body or simply life. The rewards are endless. His care and compassion ignite my soul.

Together we make complete sense.

cropped-submissive-position.jpg

Sir is everything I never knew I always wanted…

Crossing his boundaries, bad state to be in…

boundaries

Just when I think I am being such a good girl, I cross the man’s boundaries by being suchagirl!  I don’t mean he drew a line in the sand and I am performing some ultimate shit test. I never do that with him, but at times my girl brain gets ahead of the man. It is so fucking subtle to me that I don’t even realize I am doing it.

After a magnificent week alone on the houseboat, nowhere to hide or have much alone time for him, we still had a beautiful time, as my previous post revealed. I understand how important his solitude is to him and I respect that. So why in the hell can’t I help myself when he clearly needs to breathe and do his “manly shit” back at home? Because I love being in his presence, that’s why!

I am not a manipulative person, but I do know, and the Captain has pointed out that, I want what I want when I want it. I loathe being in that state of mind. It is a deep-rooted fear that stems from abandonment issues. This much I know, but exercising these fulfillment needs on him is strictly forbidden, as well it should be, He has his own stuff to work through still and Lord knows I do too.

Tonight my prayer is this, “God, please remind me I am okay, whole, beautiful and loved. You are my protection when I feel weak. Only You can lift me up for my highest good because You are BIGGER than any sorrow or woe that may cross my way. So please take away my urgency and need to push his boundaries when all that does is begin to build a wall that we’ve worked so hard to crumble. In Your name, Amen!”

So, Captain called me on my shit. He expressed his feelings of being bulldozed tonight by my not allowing him to completely lead in the area of our time spent together. I posed a final question to him, “are we okay?” His response, “not now, but we will be.” Crushed and relieved at the same time, my only choice was to accept it and once again, do better!

Wow, does life take some twists and turns when least expected. One minute were rockin the boat, makin sexy waves for days and the next, some old bad behavior rears its ugly head and I am feeling stupid for being suchagirl!

I am not beating myself up over this, but I am mindful of his feelings. I desperately want to understand because I firmly believe it is far more important to understand than to be understood. I respect and adore this man more than I ever thought possible. Hell, I have never let anyone cum in my mouth before, so that says a lot for us. 😉

Perhaps I am whining a bit here, but being a girl at heart, it sometimes is allowed. Captain knows when I am seeking attention and I love it when he holds me accountable for that. Why do I need it? I don’t, it’s my own little insecurities and my shit to work through. Meanwhile, I will carry on and thank the Good Lord for working in my life. I also pray for a pardon from the Captain. I understand this is a huge foul for him, yet I hope he understands me.

line in the sand

It’s the sweat on my back and pain in my body that keeps me going…

press on        My mantra for fitness…

Just yesterday I told the trainer of the day that she was my pace car. She replied, “or maybe you are mine.” We finished a tough, grueling, tiresome workout within .09 seconds of each other. Funny, this picture is what I said to her on our 5th RFT (round for time). It’s not about the time, it’s about finishing, right? She concurred.

Lately I have become borderline obsessed with my cross-fit training. Partly because the Captain pushes me when I want to back out, but mostly because I love how I feel when it’s over. Yesterday Captain sent me a quote/picture that says, “skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked”. I am sure that one is floating around the manosphere. I told him I hope that was a good message for me from him. His reply,”I wouldn’t have sent it if not”. Okay, I accept that.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately, but the wheel is spinning and I see no way off except to fling myself off and pray for a soft but firm landing. Captain is going through some old crap of emotions and needs time to sit with it, walk through it, and come out the other side better for it. I, however, am being a “pain in his ass” and not only is he aware of it, so am I.

This is what injects me with the need to step up my fitness for my core and mental stability. I definitely feel my usually balanced triangle slightly obtuse in form. I come across as needy and whiny, rather revolting I must say. This is not the confident lady I portray these days. Certainly not the one Captain became attracted to in the first place. He told me he “understands this old crap of behavior and where it stems from, but to just knock it off!” Ugh, if only it were that simple.

Well, as always, I had a grand epiphany a few moments ago. I know how I got off-balance, ONEITIS strikes again! I understand myself enough to realize this is a very old pattern of mine, but still it rears its ugly head when I get too comfortable. The difference for me today is that I have a well-rounded, somewhat balanced life. I know that my happiness is my responsibility. So why do I get dependent on that ONE? hmmm…

I have my own business with independent contractors to assist in running it. My life is my own as well as my time, which I take advantage of by taking great care of me! Something I never considered before. I have friends that I don’t really hang out with so much, but we text and have an occasional lunch or “girls night”. (consists of dinner, cocktails, laughing while ignoring the blatant meat stares around us) Realization; I have reached that age and stage in my life where I am content with spending more time with Captain.

How does this tie together with what I started writing about and then landed here? I don’t have a solid answer other than, the freakin’ wheel goes round and round…No wonder the Captain says I am being a pain his ass lately. Gratefully I don’t share his sentiments when he is literally in mine. A whole other blog in itself!