You said it will take time…

…may I please have a date on the calendar and a time on the clock then?

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truth is the powerful medicine…

Sitting on the porch, the cars randomly pass by every few minutes.  Taking an upper road, the less traveled one to avoid our small town congestion I suppose. With every sound of an engine revving to climb up and then squeaky brakes from those descending down the hill, I glance up to the sound of each of them searching for the familiar truck. Wishing things hadn’t come unraveled leaving us where we are, torn apart from misunderstandings and frustrations.

Mr. Blue Bird weaves through the aging beams, grazing the blooming flowers I planted to bring life into my small, now quiet, unsettled world. Landing on the propane tank, he gives a look in my direction as if to say a whimsical hello. A smile arose for his efforts that hadn’t gone unnoticed. Away he flew to carry and spread his joy to the next lonely heart attempting to heal.
Faithful Mr. Sunshine in all his glory, is beating down on every part of my body, bronzing me more while warming me on this already tepid day. He is always a welcome visitor in my life. An occasional darting of the bees and wasps dipping in the bottom of the planters, seeking refuge from the heat as they quench their thirst. The front door wide open, Christian music pouring out at a reasonable decibel, but just enough to fill my soul with the messages that are singing to my heart.
The blessings of this day running through my head, I count them one by one. My thoughts carry me away to tend to the screenplay on pause. The rewind button broke, a miracle no doubt, but the continuous play goes on forever. “If only” is up for an audition along with “what if” as it’s understudy.
How different life could have been…
trailing off again when…
“Hello my name is regret” interrupts the party in my head. “I’m pretty sure we have met. Every single day of your life, I’m the whisper inside that won’t let you forget. Hello my name is defeat, I’m sure you recognize me. Just when you think you can win I’ll drag you right back down again till you’ve lost all belief. Oh these are the voices oh these are the lies and I have believed them for the very last time! Hello my name is child of the One true King, I’ve been saved I’ve been changed I have been set free, Amazing Grace is the song I sing. Hello my name is the child of the One true King!”
Like cold water splashed on my face, his words took me out of my head, back to counting, where was I? Yes, three, four, five…the simply extraordinary wonders that came to rescue me in the moment reminding me my Father will always meet me right where I am.
Your letter I was able to finish today. More healing to be gained, as I bared my naked soul once more to you, confident in my truths, my heart revealing acceptance and ownership of my part. Praying over it, desiring to share it with you as I wait for the moment to present itself. 
sonora
Conscious of my breathing, my wonderfully sore, semi~achy muscles, the pain remaining yet diminishing in my knee, tummy that wants to be fed, exhaustion of my weary self, eyes itchy from the blooming world around me, I gaze up to take notice, number six, the view overlooking this busy little town from this aging front porch of mine. Quiet and serene, the occasional honk, a siren or two, the neighborhood dogs riled up from the sounds, the lull of the breeze dashing through the lush, wild, eclectic landscape, now cooling me down.
I drift off again to escape in my mind
lovers 2
I think of you…
 and wonder if you are still missing me too?

taking it down a notch…

psalm 30 5

I think I remembered to breathe today. I cannot be certain, but I don’t feel light-headed, so that is a good sign. Once asleep about midnight, I slept through the night, well until 5 a.m., but not uninterrupted by any means. As I awoke to the stillness and realized it was dark out, the tape immediately started to play in my beat down brain. I rolled over as a tear streamed down my cheek. Cruel images began to consume me. I angrily asked God to stop the thoughts and let me rest. He blessed me with three more hours.

This girl speaks with God on a daily basis. Not just upon wakening to give praise in this day The Lord has made, but I also remind myself that I will rejoice and be glad in it. I believe and declare of His goodness often in my day as I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Creator. 

I have had quite the outpouring of support from several ladies in the blog world along with my best friend, a second runner-up and my life coach. None of these vessels which God uses to send me messages and blessings, tell me what they think I ought to do. He can see the grand design all laid out in perfect divine order and how all the pieces fit. You all hold my heart, wipe my tears, console me and assure me I am not alone. There have been very little derogatory remarks made because regardless of what has happened, I know I love this man and he is human, but that does not erase what has been done and the things that were said. 

While I cannot pray this away, the damage has been done. I know in time I will rise above it and come out the other side stronger for it all. I get to ask God what is the lesson in all of this? I know there is one and eventually it will be revealed. Meanwhile, I wait and press on. He grants me new mercy every day to walk a little further through it with grace and less pain.

I have puked out so much in these last 48 hours, particularly the past 12 with vile words and an attack on one undeserving poor soul. Fortunately, he understood that his words, which were meant for comfort, came from a male perspective that I simply could not swallow. They sounded too familiar and so far from accuracy that even if there was an ounce of truth intended, I could not receive it right now. He meant well…

So while I am feeling less angry for the moment, I am no closer to acceptance around any of this. What a challenge to get to that place. There are many bumps to maneuver over and obstacles to face, but getting there is my only choice if I am to find peace in the middle of it all.

One of my favorite songs is fitting for my broken heart that desperately wants to mend. It implies I need to be broken, so I can be healed, emptied so I can be filled, lonely so I want no one more than The Lord, till He is my One desire, my One true love, my everything…

the lord