…may I please have a date on the calendar and a time on the clock then?
Sitting on the porch, the cars randomly pass by every few minutes. Taking an upper road, the less traveled one to avoid our small town congestion I suppose. With every sound of an engine revving to climb up and then squeaky brakes from those descending down the hill, I glance up to the sound of each of them searching for the familiar truck. Wishing things hadn’t come unraveled leaving us where we are, torn apart from misunderstandings and frustrations.
I think I remembered to breathe today. I cannot be certain, but I don’t feel light-headed, so that is a good sign. Once asleep about midnight, I slept through the night, well until 5 a.m., but not uninterrupted by any means. As I awoke to the stillness and realized it was dark out, the tape immediately started to play in my beat down brain. I rolled over as a tear streamed down my cheek. Cruel images began to consume me. I angrily asked God to stop the thoughts and let me rest. He blessed me with three more hours.
This girl speaks with God on a daily basis. Not just upon wakening to give praise in this day The Lord has made, but I also remind myself that I will rejoice and be glad in it. I believe and declare of His goodness often in my day as I turn my will and my life over to the care of my Creator.
I have had quite the outpouring of support from several ladies in the blog world along with my best friend, a second runner-up and my life coach. None of these vessels which God uses to send me messages and blessings, tell me what they think I ought to do. He can see the grand design all laid out in perfect divine order and how all the pieces fit. You all hold my heart, wipe my tears, console me and assure me I am not alone. There have been very little derogatory remarks made because regardless of what has happened, I know I love this man and he is human, but that does not erase what has been done and the things that were said.
While I cannot pray this away, the damage has been done. I know in time I will rise above it and come out the other side stronger for it all. I get to ask God what is the lesson in all of this? I know there is one and eventually it will be revealed. Meanwhile, I wait and press on. He grants me new mercy every day to walk a little further through it with grace and less pain.
I have puked out so much in these last 48 hours, particularly the past 12 with vile words and an attack on one undeserving poor soul. Fortunately, he understood that his words, which were meant for comfort, came from a male perspective that I simply could not swallow. They sounded too familiar and so far from accuracy that even if there was an ounce of truth intended, I could not receive it right now. He meant well…
So while I am feeling less angry for the moment, I am no closer to acceptance around any of this. What a challenge to get to that place. There are many bumps to maneuver over and obstacles to face, but getting there is my only choice if I am to find peace in the middle of it all.
One of my favorite songs is fitting for my broken heart that desperately wants to mend. It implies I need to be broken, so I can be healed, emptied so I can be filled, lonely so I want no one more than The Lord, till He is my One desire, my One true love, my everything…