if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

finding closure within something I never wanted to close…

dom and sub

I’ll stop crying when my tears dry up. I’ll stop wallowing when the waves stop taking me under. I’ll stop feeling the pain when my heart is mended and has been restored. I’ll stop talking about this when there’s nothing left to say.

Until these things come to pass, I am where I am.

I am left with this as the ending to our self entitled story, “my Sir and His kitty”;

“Of all the relationships ever in my life I would have sworn on the good book that we would have never stood a chance of ending up here. I’m sorry to have hurt you.” (former Sir)

Touching? Soothing? hmmm, the correct answer is, no. If I were to share the hurtful words that preceded this final statement from my former Sir, I feel confident you would concur. However, it is not within my capabilities to put those intimate details out to the world, regardless of my anonymity here, but just know, they cut me deeply.

Here I am, spun in confusion and sitting in disbelief still. Moments of clarity come in the reflective times. Sadness often prevails when a memory is sparked by a fleeting thought or a vision of a place we spent time together. I am learning to manage my feelings by simply allowing them to come. As much as I want to rebuke them because they are so uncomfortable, I try to embrace each one as my only means of escape.

Sir, former as you are now,  no longer am I going to give you the power to destroy my self-worth. Done are my desperate, weak attempts that directed me to relentlessly prove myself to you and for you. I was depleted of my dignity as I settled into acceptance of you being deemed the ruler of us.

My final sentiments I sent to you from my heart;

“All I ever wanted was to be yours and yours alone. I’m just sorry that wasn’t all you ever wanted of me too”.  (His former kitty)

 moon

me