its ok to not be ok…

hidden behind the facade where the walls have been erected with mortar made from mud

the little child terrified from the fractured heart bound by fishing line and chicken rings

wounds too deep when unkind words activate are torn open wide exposed for all to see

how often played are messages of old embedded in the brain heard in hope of hearing a different tune

don’t invade personal space and catch a glimpse of the vulnerability and transperency

access denied to enter the gates of self protection

the guards wearing suits of armor ruthlessly portray indignant self reliance

puffed up to a world as the illusive island upon which to stand is safer than risk of possibility 

open the window just a crack  and take a peek 

allow the shell that remains the chance to be mended and filled once again

a celebration awaits with a resounding boastful hooray

the time is now to embrace the abundance with eyes open wide

declare the deserving of goodness trust the promise of deliverance and faithfulness of retention

let go the broken pieces for they shattered credibility while decieving what’s honorable inside

be free from shackled wrong beliefs knowing love covers all including places that attempt to hide

 

 

 

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Going through the motions…

Help me Lord

Something has changed and I think it is me

I am not the girl I used to be

once timid and shy

lacking confidence and esteem always afraid to try

invisible I became in a shell I hid inside

the safest place I chose to reside

never feeling a sense of belonging I tried to break free

all I ever wanted was just to be me

choices were a luxury escaping from my life

settling on the things that came no matter what the strife

any power I may have owned was taken without a fight

further disappearing into the darken night

soon to discover it wasn’t others who took my heart

it was my own undoing I gave it freely only to be torn apart

starving for that special affection taking any morsel offered

I’d find myself once again heading in the wrong direction

I gave the desperate need to fill this empty hole

looking back it is becoming clear who broke this wounded soul

a little girl without her daddy simply wanting his protection

couldn’t stand alone again feeling the cutting rejection

losing mom felt the same once more

only this time I would slam the door

with my heart completely shredded how could I believe

that I would ever be worthy of love so deserving to receive

I have grown in strength looking to heaven above

from my Heavenly Father I am filled with love

He has never left abandoned or forsaken

it was I who never leaned on Him until my world was taken

today I pray God please heal the little girl bind up her gaping wound

she never asked for anything more than to feel love please bring it to her soon

as the inside work is being done moved and shifted around

I feel the torment of uncomfortable feelings that God is tearing down

He is lifting me high assuring me now

I will be alright He promises He is showing me how

be patient with Me child is all that I ask

you do the work while I perform the task

through all the emotions the vast array of feelings

the road seems endless to get to the healing

in my life I want peace though daunting and bleak

to be unshackled from my past is all that I seek…

healing grace

A princess in her heart…

cinderella

What makes a little girl want to be a princess? As that little girl, I must confess, Cinderella was beautiful to me in her rags to riches kind of way. I grew up wanting nothing more than the handsome prince to whisk me away from the life I grew up knowing. She knew what it was like to bow down to pretentiousness and still feel happy on the inside, lucky girl. Those “upper class” people intimidated me, but all I ever wanted was to live freely and comfortable in my own skin. Cinderella’s portrayal of unfaltering self-confidence was something I aspired to.

One day I grew up and forgot all about this animated “idol” of mine. Soon she was replaced by real life, women of flesh. In high school, it started to occur to me that looks seemed to matter if I were ever going to attract the prince.  A few contenders came and went, but not one held the glass slipper. Granted, my standards were not set very high. I  had yet to acquire a proper measuring stick, so I learned quickly how to “settle”. A trait that would stay with me for most of my life.

When this girl’s insides did not match her outsides, it is no wonder that I said yes to marry a man at the age of 20? The cause was from deep wounds of abandonment that were inflicted from childhood. The thinking, or lack there of, would anyone else ever want this broken young lady? Afraid to find out the answer, I settled.

I am without regret as that choice brought me three amazing young men that I am proud to call my sons. However, I never did receive my glass slipper nor did the pumpkins ever transform into a beautiful carriage. This impacting part of my past has brought me to a place where my heart is filled with an abundance of love. I have leaned into God and asked Him to soften and heal my heart for it has truly been broken. By merely asking this of Him two and half years ago, He began to work His miracles. Just when I thought I couldn’t take one more ounce of pain, I could feel the healing from the inside out. I now know that I am worthy of all things good, including the special gift of giving and receiving love.

glass slipper

“The antidote to abandonment is commitment to love”. (Susan Anderson)

I was reminded yesterday of these transformations and that out of the ashes, beauty remains. As I was lying in bed, slowly awakening from a wonderful night, and a beautiful morning, my Sir brought me coffee. His words were gentle as He handed the hot cup of deliciousness to me, through His special little, sexy grin, “Here you go. Wow, someone is being treated like a princess”. In that moment, I was and I felt it…

cinder and her tiara