My Captain brought out the real girl in me…

submit to you 2

It is in your seductive smile as you watch me walk away with the order you just gave me, knowing my full submission is how I always want to please you. The rewards I receive when you approach me from the back, pushing my hair to the side, revealing my neck to be kissed up and down. Your hands hold mine tightly behind, not allowing me to move as the layers of clothing fall to the floor. Instantly I melt to the mere touch of your lips, I am yours for the taking in every way.

Sir, you have found a way to smooth my rough edges that would otherwise scar you if scraped against your skin. Thank you for not allowing me to behave poorly and for disciplining me when I am deserving of punishment. For reminding me always, to be that good girl and what will happen if I am remiss. I have longed for your leadership and directions in life. The gentle unveiling from the mask that kept the lady hidden underneath the wounds that almost bound me for a lifetime, are accredited solely to you.

Captain, you have unleashed the girl that has resided deep within my soul. My flesh soothed by your body as only you can do. The passion aroused I never knew possible through the attention you allow. Lifting me high to a standard of my own capabilities. Showing me my true value as a feminine lady who works hard to please and serve you. No longer do I hold back in ways that limit me to settling for less than I am worthy. Because of you Sir, I have learned to give you full respect, to listen, be obedient and not to question you, for you know best.

How I have longed for the commands in your words. Starved for the firm touch of your hands. Thirsted for the fluids that only you fill my body with. To never before have known, my rooted desires and hunger, while meeting your every need anywhere, at any precious moment. You Sir, are the whole man whom completely compliments me from the inside out.

You keep me as I ought to be, following behind

my great leader, domineering, beautiful Master of mine

Your collar I proudly wear, around my neck each and every day

On my knees is where I belong and willingly I stay,

Your submissive who will forever honor and obey

his

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I have but one life, I choose to keep it simple…

this moment

My beautiful, bad girl cat woke me about three to five times last night. Because of her, I lost critical sleep. Then, as the morning awakened me and my eyes reluctantly opened, suddenly life began to feel bigger. I asked myself, in the grand scheme of things, is it? The correct answer is no, only if I choose to let it be. This is when I recognize how important it is to keep it simple. Understand that I am tired now, a little irritable and just need to take extra care of myself today. So I gave myself permission to do just that.

As I lay here, fighting against getting up to start my day, I begin to reflect upon a phone call from my number two son last night. This young man has taken his place up on his throne that is dubbed “the pity pot”. It is not a learned behavior he witnessed in me, but it will be his undoing if he doesn’t man up and accept life on life’s terms. He is a nineteen year old father of a beautiful, two year old daughter. Recently, he and the mother ended their unhealthy relationship. Kudos to them for not prolong the pain. A lesson that was hard learned for me a mere seven years ago. I praised him for taking charge of this area of his life in order for it to be less complicated.

In the midst of our phone call, the Captain beeped in. I told my #2 I would call him back. Thank you Lord, I needed a breather from the rant that was on that end. What a beautiful sound of sexy, deep tones coming at me on the other line now. Just what I needed to hear. As I told him of my conversation, he asked what is it with these #2’s of ours.

Captain is watching his daughter go through some difficulties in her own relationship. He helps me with his manly, alpha wisdom when it come to my three sons. I know it is because he cares and understands what it is to have an unavailable father, just as my sons are lacking. He gave me many pearls to share when I called my son back. In short, it was to tell him, “this is his job, raising his daughter now and to man up about it”. Captain knows how much my son loves his daughter and what a dedicated father he is. It makes me burst with pride watching him with her. She truly is the love of his life.

If there is one thing I admire in this son of mine, it is that he has lived by his own mantra, “I got this”, usually followed by “mom”.  As I was talking with him and conveying the Captain’s direction to tell him to “man up and own his responsibility, this is his job now”. I was remembering all the accomplishments this son of mine had conquered in a short period of time. I took this opportunity now to remind him of these.

When he was just 10 credits shy of graduating with his class, he pulled out all the stops and made that happen. He knew he would need money to take care of his baby that was due one month after graduation, so he obtained a job and three months later, he had two. Next came the need for a driver’s license and a car, check, check. Finally, a place to call their very own. His daughter turned four months old and the three of them moved into their very own apartment.

When this young man sets out to do something, he gets it done. I have never been more proud of him. So when this same son called me in tears of frustration and what sounded like agony from remorse and resentments, I wanted to jump into mom mode and ease his breaking heart. Gratefully, I was quickly steered away from wanting to caudal him to becoming harsh by not allowing him to remain so emotional. Captain assured me it is what he needs and as always, he was right!

Because of the support I received, I was able to advise this son to stop engaging in conversations with his baby’s mom. That she clearly is just trying to bait and hook him because she is a scorned female. She is a screeching, blue pill young woman who learned from her mom how not to behave. Someone like that does not know how to exist unless there are toxic fumes fueling her drama filled head. Sad as it is, it is equally difficult to watch them go through this. Today I know, that in order for them to change the behavior, the pain must be increased. I promised this son that this too shall pass.

I am so blessed to have come to a place in my own life that I can weigh and measure things by asking myself, “how important is this”? Do I choose to complicate my life by owning other people’s shit? Certainly not, even when it belongs to my own child. Their lessons belong to them as do their consequences for all their actions. No one walked through my challenges for me and I came out the other side better for every single one. Something that is hard to see in the moment.

Each one of my sons knows and feels all the love I have in my heart for them. I tell them every chance I get. What’s more important is that I show them by taking care of myself as they witness my own healthy behavior these days. The rewards I receive as a mom is watching their lives unfold and then relish in the blessings they receive. It was pointed out to me some years ago that, when a son comes to his mom with the big stuff in his life, he feels secure because I am the safest place he knows and goes. I used to think that was a beautiful gesture. Now I worry that they will try to hold onto my apron strings that I am working hard at severing for their own growth.

cut the strings

It is time for me to get off of their backs, get out of their way, and get on with my own life…

One woman’s toss and loss is a lady’s found treasure…

treasure of loveI am reluctant to share this experience knowing the Captain will most likely read it, but he reminds me I am writing these for me… thank you, Sir! 😉

It was bound to happen, ’twas inevitable really. I knew at some point, I would cross paths with my Captain’s ex and yesterday was that day. We live in a small, rural town. The main reason most folks move here is to retire, unless of course they are like me and grew up here.  Back to my case and point.

I was in need of some retail therapy and on a mission for new panties to surprise Captain with. As I entered one of our few chain retail stores, at first I couldn’t be certain that the woman I was seeing was really the person I dreaded running into. I became pretty certain after a couple of unintentional pass-byes throughout the store.

I decided this wasn’t worth losing my precious time or wasting energy over. I was on a hunt for my new, pretty, lacy, girly undergarments and couldn’t be bothered by this woman. As I went about my business, finding five new pairs of exactly what I set out to, I got in line. The store was very quiet with maybe five other shoppers, including her. As I headed to the registers, I took another glimpse of this person, still trying to confirm in my own mind if this truly was the female I thought.

I had only met her once, over two years ago. Clearly she did not make much of an impression. Let me just say, yesterday, she looked older, more plain than I recall, you know, worn and a little heavier, shorter hair and solemn. Captain had shared with me once that, “she is more than jealous of you”. I remember thinking, how sad for her to have such low sense of self and how unattractive that must be to a beautiful man like him.

Traditionally, I suppose I may sound like a jealous lady of the ex, but honestly that is not the case. I know too much about her blatant disrespect and full case of no confidence in the man who I am privileged to call Captain today. I witnessed his pain and agony when we first met, yet felt so blessed by him gracing my life.

Some time ago, this woman had the nerve to call me in a desperate state. So often the case with her drama filled world. I will never forget the verbal attacks she made on this man she was supposed to love. Obviously mate guarding was a concept that escaped her. I chalked it up to one last attempt on her part to destroy another piece of his soul, through me. How was that going to work?

As I stood there, patiently waiting in line, I could only imagine that curiosity got the best of her as she approached quietly and took her place in line directly behind me. That’s right, a good place for her to be. I had just come from the gym and was still in my form-fitting little black shorts and bright, coral tank top that reveals my tattoos and enhances my tan. So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty good about her position and view.

I started thinking, “Lord, help me from being so petty and acting like such a freakin’ girl”, but there I was, behaving like a human I was instantly forgiven. It didn’t quite end there when the clerk called me over to her line, the woman behind me actually followed. By this point, I had yet to turn to look at the face that continued to bewilder me. Honestly I didn’t really want to know. Why should it matter? I took a glance as I saw her get behind me, once again, still not 100% sure.

By now I told myself, just let it go, get on with your mission and go about your business. God has this set up for whatever reason and it could possibly have nothing to do with me. More will be revealed kept rolling around in my brain. My girl brain struck once more as I was a little more than thrilled that my purchase she was witnessing were pretty, sexy panties.

I graciously thanked the clerk and went on my merry way. As I placed my bag into the car, I ran into a friend and we chatted just long enough for the mystery lookalike, most likely the ex, to come out of the store. My friend and I said our goodbyes, I climbed into the car and as I drove down the first row, I saw the woman in question in a fairly, newer car than I thought I remembered. Again, I didn’t make eye contact, but a subtle glimpse confirmed she was staring at me as I drove on by in what she knows to be the Captain’s car.

Somehow, this brief, oddly set up exchange between us of, me checking her out and her doing the same, left me feeling more at peace than ever. As I drove off, I no longer had the seething feeling of disgust I used to feel at the mere thought of this woman who tossed away the most amazing man. I have been so blessed to watch my Captain swallow the huge red pill and change over the years into this amazing, stern leader. He has truly become the Alpha male that was always deep inside his soul, but was never allowed to surface.

I know God had removed this toxic, harmful female from his life and presented him to me as an offering and a blessing. It is how He shows me that He is working in my life. I gave Him praise and privately thanked this woman for sabotaging her relationship and walking away from the best thing that ever happened to me.

best thing

He says, “I can only love you MY way”…

the right man...

When you fell for him, he was already a man…let him be one now!

Several years ago, a dear friend of mine, (she is more like a spiritual mom to me) shared these words from her husband of 37 years. “You want me to love you “Suzie’s” way, but I can only love you “Dave’s” way. I found it to be the most profound thing this truly, alpha man has ever said.

Looking back I can recall the multitude of ways this now, 74-year-old man, was a strong leader and a man who knew exactly what he wanted. His frame never faltered, his decision always final and his lovely wife fought him every step of the way. Submit and obey have never been in her vocabulary and I don’t expect they ever will be at her age of 74.

Yes, if we are doing the math, she was strongly influenced by the feminist acts. More importantly, she had lived through some personal tragedies that also formed her opinion of men. I consider myself to be blessed having had this woman grace my life with her experiences and wisdom.

She listened to me for years when I was facing my own challenges of being a newly single mom. She held my heart when I thought it would never mend, She loved me when I couldn’t even love myself. Most importantly, she encouraged and supported me every step of the way through all my triumphs. She taught me to lift my left hand up and reach over my right to pat my own back and not wait for another to validate me. I started to grow up into a new, confident, self-supporting lady. On those days when i just wanted to give up, she showed me that I indeed could take another step forward.

One day, I started to notice something I hadn’t really paid attention to before. This lovely woman, whom I’d admired for so long, was showing her true colors to me. Soon I realized she was continuing to talk about the same issues she had with her husband, for as long as I had known her. If that wasn’t difficult enough to listen to, she had very little respect for him. She didn’t have his back, but instead, she talked behind it. This did not feel right to me. In fact, I was very bothered by it.

I had been observing these two all along and thought their playful ways were part of what kept their marriage alive. She continued to try to change him to suit her needs around every turn. He shot her down either with his harsh, firm words or he simple carried on with what he was doing, never missing a beat. The results, a temper tantrum from this grown woman, acting like a four-year old. The harder she pushed, the further he retreated. Then one day he said those infamous words.

For that brief moment in time, I think she got it. She had spent most of their life together making strong attempts to change this already fine man into her ideal mate when he was already just that. It took me over a year to understand why I had slowly been led away from this beautiful soul that I once looked to for guidance and acceptance. I didn’t share her beliefs and attitude towards men in general, let alone the man in her life. He is a true Captain that has been disrespected far too long.

I had an epiphany the other day that helped me accept Captain exactly for the man he already is, all because of “Dave’s” simple statement, “I can only love you Dave’s way”. I wasn’t on a mission to change the Captain by any means, I merely wanted something to be a different way, MINE. That is such old girl behavior for me that I have been diligently changing. Captain is the man I truly adore, exactly how he is, in every moment. Any changes he chooses are for his own best interest, not of my doing.

This was a nutshell of a huge awareness I have been blessed to grasp. It has not only saved me from a lot of trouble, but has opened my eyes even more to what really matters to me.

The clubhouse…

little rascals there’s something to be said for this…

I don’t know what it was when I was little, but all I ever wanted to do was play like the boys. Maybe because I had two brothers. Perhaps I secretly wanted to know what made them tick or how they were wired. I was not a tomboy by any means, but I could toss the football, throw a baseball, played a mean fullback in soccer and raced on the swim team. All the while playing barbies, wearing dresses, not by choice, dabbled in makeup and wore mama’s high, high heels around the house.

At that young age, the boys tolerated me because they were my big brother’s friends. Then sometime in junior high boys started acting mean to me. Not all of them mind you, but the ones that obviously “liked” me. That’s the message I was told when one, Kevin something or other, left a stuffed animal (raccoon, I believe) on my doorstep and when I returned it to him, because I liked Gilbert, something or other, he punched me in the eye. I think that meant he wanted to marry me!

What was happening to me, I began to wonder. I watched my only three female role models, whom I loved and adored, (mom, aunt and grandma) interact with the men in their lives. I took mental notes and kept them etched on my brain as I grew up.

Mom was a beautiful teenager when she had my big brother and me. She even married dad, then divorced him when I was two. (abandonment issues begin) Grandma was a loving, doting wife. I wouldn’t classify her as feminist, but she teetered on the brink of it. Then there was my aunt, whom back then referred to themselves as stewardesses, a waitress in the sky. She took pride in her, “coffee, tea or me” oozing with sex attitude, but to you men, don’t you dare cross her! I think she is on her fourth marriage today, but who’s counting?

So what was this young girl to do? I looked to these three beautiful women and entered into my teenage years, loved by them all yet untrained and floundering. See, by 7 mom had remarried the asshole of the year, decade, no, lets just make that the century and call it good. By 10, they had a beautiful baby boy, a new little brother whom I absolutely love.  Who knew my mom’s drinking would become an addiction by my 13th birthday and I would continue to grow up learning, through observation and media dictation, about expectations on growing up female.

Next that left grandma for me to continue observing with a watchful eye. I adored my grandpa and thought they were the epitome of love and commitment. They’ve been gone awhile now, but I still hold that vision close to my heart. That may not be the reality, but who am I to mess with it. I’ll leave it where it is, framed in a golden heart forever.

So by now my aunt appears to be the coolest chick on the planet to any young teen girl. How could she not? She was what all the magazines and t.v. commercials told me I needed to resemble and since I had my very own live Barbie doll with an attitude to look up to, that’s just what I did.

Back to my mom for a moment. I loved her with all my heart. We were as close as any mother and daughter could be, until that abusive man continued to ruin the most beautiful lady I had ever known. Today I can look back and sort of realize his frustration with her alcoholism, but I truly loathe that man, so no compassion goes to him. Mom only lived until the age of 41. The year that followed was the most difficult year of my life. That story is another blog all in itself. One worth taking my time on…

By the time I was 20, I met the “man” I would marry, have three sons with and seven years ago, happily divorce. Yes, I quit trying to hang out in the boys clubhouse long before that, but I still tried to figure out their hard wiring. Because of my own fucked up messages from my childhood and lack of direction on how to be a lady, wife or straight up female, I had to wing it. Sex was my best tool and the only means possible, so I thought, to entice and keep a man. Who knew they would come and go as they please regardless. Huh…

Some would say I was blessed with a “pretty face” and a decent body, that I literally work my ass off for today. After all, that is what society has always told me, that the only thing that mattered was how the garden looked, not how rich the soil is.

The message yet again, I didn’t need to work hard, get a higher education and be self-supporting, so I could boost my own confidence and self-esteem. A man would be all I needed to do that for me. That was the hardest, bluest pill = (blissful ignorance of illusion) I ever swallowed.

I was always caught between wanting an alpha and being cursed with a beta. Problem was, I didn’t recognize it when they were served up on a piping hot platter of  bullshit and false bravado. They were all the same to me. One day I thought, maybe it was the broken parts of me all along. This is not a self-pity thing, more of facing my own reality checkpoint. How much of my upbringing and misguided learning had I brought to the table in my relationships loaded with expectations that when they weren’t met, I would raise the bar. How many hoops will he jump through? Gross, revolt, YUK!! REBUKE!!

This epiphany did not emerge over night. It took several flushes of the blue pill and many refills of the red pill = (embracing the sometimes painful truth of reality) to embark on this beautiful transformation I have willingly entered into. I thank God for recovery of self discovery. I have learned about the true nature of submission, obedience and respect. The gifts that dove tail are adoration, honor and love.

Sometimes there is just a lot inside this girly brain when she has two claws on the wheel and two dug into the ground and the only way to climb back down is to rant!

no girls... there’s a reason for this sign…RESPECT IT!

Surrender to it all…

obey.jpg

It’s funny where I find my inspiration to write. I don’t necessarily put everything into this particular blog, but eventually I imagine it will appear here.

I’ve been really thinking about this word, “obedience”  lately. Once upon a time this word eluded my vocabulary. I would have to peg that to the asshole step father I grew up despising. His meek attempts to control and rule the family were nowhere near being a leader, but rather a bully that was just short of beating us into submission.

So, as it turns out, I married the opposite, a BETA through and through! I figured I would be safe in this choice and would never be subjected to cruel, overt, male behavior ever again. What I didn’t know way back then, is how much I would loathe this behavior too.

The results were, I became an alpha/beta type female, disguised as a feminist with my insides screaming out, I want to be a feminine girl, that longs to be taken care of and adored! Won’t someone just let me?! Truth be told, after my divorce from an 18 year marriage 7 years ago, I wouldn’t allow any man close enough to give them the opportunity. Fear was the driving force, invisible was my stance. Sure, I dated a petite handful of…’men’, only to find again and again, one extreme or the other. YUK~

One day this handsome man crossed my path, me being me, skeptical and playing the invisible card still, chose not to notice the attention he was blatantly pouring over me. Over the next several months, this man continued to show up in my life. I wasn’t being a bitch by any means, in fact, that is just not in my nature. I simply was scared. With this “broken picker” I had deemed myself to possess, I made feeble attempts to ward him off, keep him at arm’s length all the while I was becoming attracted to him and his charm.

Less than 3 months had gone by and I found myself asking him to coffee and then saying yes to dinner. We became fast friends, another foreign concept to me that I would find out later, is ALWAYS a pretense to the man just wanting to get laid. No one could ever consider me a prude by any means, but at this time in my life, I had come to the realization that my old ways to “get a guy” was to immediately screw him and there I went, lost forever. Pathetic!

After a year of back and forth in our dating cycle, we both realized how close we truly were becoming. It was refreshing yet at the same time, scaring the hell out of me. I think it was having the same effect on him as he was still attempting to escape the wrath of his past hamster, forever shit testing, long-term bitch companion that continued to have power over him. It was painful to watch, but one day, he choked and swallowed the little red pill, and his manhood has never been the same.

That was nearly a year ago and since that time, he had led me down the same path as a true alpha does. I willingly swallowed the little red pill, in fact I have a lifetime prescription!  It was exactly what I had been starving for since I was a little girl. I had watched with a distorted view, my grandma and mom muddle through their lives confused by who had the penis in the house and then wondered why they were frustrated when they tried to make most of the decisions. Hmmmm….

So back to the word at hand, “obedience”…’the act or practice of following instructions, complying with rules or regulations, or submitting to somebody’s authority’. Who knew that once I embraced not only the word, but the act itself, my life would begin to make sense. I’ll tell you who knew, God. Clearly He sent the Captain of my life to me to straighten up my thinking and show me what respecting the Captain births for his F.O.

Captain has taught me so much through his actions from his reborn Alpha male ways. His stance is tall and proud while his frame never falters. In fact, he is so stern with me, I wouldn’t dare be anything short of submissive and obedient. I welcome his reprimanding, whatever form he sees fit.

When the Captain speaks…listen and learn!

A capable, smart, can do lady, always has room for improvement and accepts every moment as teachable. Today I allowed old messages to take over my current, present moment of actually living in my otherwise pretty serene life. The results, cowering down and ignoring my own responsibilities that the Captain clearly does not want to handle fully, nor should he. There’s input and assisting to a level of comfort on his part and then there is resentment building with a thought bubble hanging overhead stating, “what the fuck am I doing this for her when she needs to do it for herself”.

As I reflect back over this tiresome day, I realize with disgust that deep down, unbeknownst to me, maybe this was a form of a shit test. Yes, I said a form. I firmly believe that the starving little girl, who resides deep down inside of me, still awakens to stir things up looking for that needed attention. Some of the less fortunate sufferers out there haven’t a clue of which I speak, so I would be happy to enlighten you by sharing now and then on the topic of “inner child”. They exist in all of us and if not properly cared for back in childhood days, the childlike behavior emerges at the most inopportune moments. That is what happened to me today.

I felt it coming, the gradual build up over the last few weeks. Then it hit me, hard. Repressed, old shitty feelings of inadequacy. Ha, lies all lies, but man did they feel real! Thank the Lord that the Captain has awareness of inner child crap and is a willing participant who understands, listens, then disciplines and redirects me.

After a brief, but deep conversation of expectations and control crap, we both came away feeling heard and calm. The power of communication, validating that I too have a welcomed voice is so refreshing. I gave him the absolute respect he fully deserves, while in return he gave me adoration for my abilities to be a better lady in his eyes as well as my own. After all, in the end what the hell else really matters? Well, the way he grabbed me and kissed me hard then pushed me away was a great indicator that we really are okay as long as we bring it to the table every time.

I am living in a blue pill world and I am a red pill girl…

So, the Captain is out of town for a few days and the hamster jumps on the wheel. Contradiction in terms, perhaps, but aware of the spin cycle is half the battle. That is not to say that I don’t have my own life to tend to, but anymore when the CEO is away, the kitty does not like to play. He would not want to know about a red pill girl night either and I wouldn’t inform him of that, unless he asked of course. My old behavior would have taken advantage of this as a shit test opportunity. YUK! I am much more content in honesty and being a good girl, F.O.

That was the heart of the conversation last night as I was out with a novice red pill girl. Her eyes were like saucers as she listened to me decipher her latest behavior as just that, shit tests! She was clueless, but owned it. Proud moment for me to see it for what it is. Easy when it’s visible in another.

Now inquiring minds want to know, “what is this pill thing and what’s with the colors”. Do I reveal to just anyone asking, certainly not. Captain has already told me, one recruit at a time. He is right, as always. I can only give websites and information as not all potential RPG are receptive to the idea/concept/way of life!

As I discovered myself changing a year ago, I had yet to learn about the little red pill. In fact, the Captain introduced me and without realizing, I had already been making the transformations in my own thinking as well as behavior. What a beautiful life and path I have been following ever since.

The beginnings for such a girl…

Image

This has been a long time coming. Years ago, I was encouraged by many of my “girl” friends to start a blog. Yes, they like the style of which I write, but the content they don’t quite understand. Then one day the Captain of my life introduced me to “the red pill” concept (which is how I had been living without knowing it) and I knew I had found the place to share my deepest thoughts, as well as experiences that hopefully will encourage other girls to be who they were created to truly be, such a girl.

My intentions here are obviously starting out soft, but after a time I will share deep thoughts, from my opinions to real stories. I have little hesitations or reservations when it comes to talking about sex, relationships and oh yes, I use all the naughty words. Of course, some things will have to be left to the reader’s imagination. I can’t reveal all my dirty little secrets. Those I save for the Captain, between the sheets, or wherever he may take me.

Overall,  I have joined the ranks of the red pill swallow~ers and am finding my life to be satisfying and living the way I was created to live. The word is submissive, a verb that was nearly abolished by feminists alone. In my future writings, my annoyance of the “F” followers will shine through. This is not to offend “them”, but the way I see it, if you are reading this and take offence, then there must be some truth to it.

I must say, I am not certain where this will land out there in cyberspace, I can only hope it will. I am writing for me, however, if another’s eyes happen to glance it over, that will make it all the better. I shall close this one now and just see what happens.