Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

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He let me go…

 

You didn’t bring me coffee

Was the day you set me free

So easy just to quit

Never to commit 

The love I felt inside

Nowhere did reside

Within your heart somewhere

Left me in despair 

High measures I didn’t meet

Often You would repeat

A threat to my wounded flesh

Now everything’s a mess

Were you good to me

In wonder I begin to see

Beyond the tears and sorrow

There has to be a better tomorrow

Placed out on the street

In my box left to meet

my fate destined to end this way

No promises of another day

Whoreish nightmares abound 

Treacherous realities found

Your meanings I couldn’t hear 

With codes vaguely clear

Trickery so masterful controlled

Failure in your eyes once again to be told

You’ve left me feeling numb

With nothing more than a crumb 

A desire to succeed 

Was all I needed to proceed

Heart reject this pain

Flow of love to remain

Torment please be over

Peace hurry come cover

Bring comfort and rest 

Find safety in my best

My life though uncertain

Has drawn another curtain

Transparency to reveal

Warm my flesh so I may feel

Unfold my purpose and grand design

There has to be more than a simple choice to resign 

In the shadows of You

confused and untrue

Back to myself I did come

Standing at a loss now wanting to run

How long before this comes to an end

No more struggles left to mend

My sincerest honest show

Still you let me go…

MIP_6293

 

attitude of gratitude…

If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.

When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.

I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.

I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.

Upon  awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval. 

The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.

Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.

Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…

 

the newest me…

How did I get so far behind

Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out

Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line

Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside

I have baggage left to unload

Willing to work at it and no longer hide

Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove

Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars

After all they once cut through so much left to prove

I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward

The process is on a continuum basis  

and I am forever moving onward

There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand

If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave

for all that once troubled me surely would be gone

Since time has the only healing power

The virtue of prosperity patience and love  

I must seek from my strong tower

I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws

I wasn’t created as such  

Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause

 Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire 

To always give and receive love

Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar

Seek contentment happiness and joy 

Carry it with me let it spill over 

These are the things I can employ

 I know today that I am easy to love 

My barriers are down this heart is receptive

I am being restored from the heavens above

The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace

Memories of old formed my character to be

I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face 

Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul

What you will see if you truly seek to find  

a sparkling new me beginning to glow

nothing changes if nothing changes…

 

How often I have heard this, expression I guess it would be called, and used to think what does that really mean. It caused me pause and many moments of contemplated thoughts. It seems like a fairly short and simple statement to grasp. However, one would need to be willing to change in order to understand and appreciate the value in these words.

Long ago when my life was a living hell, full of chaos and uncertainty, my attitude was all about change. If only he would adjust to my ways, life would work better. Why can’t she see my point of view and do things better. I expected the world around me to make all the sacrifices so I would be more comfortable. How well that worked out for me.

It all came down to choices I soon came to find out. You mean I can choose to live this way or that? These weren’t the lessons I was taught. I observed and learned from my first teacher to accept everything as it was. Changing things was not an option, enduring them was the only choice. What a grand way to start a life with these amazing broken tools.

Off into the small world I grew up in, I learned to isolate early on. It was safer to stay inside my four walls of comfort where no one could reach me. I needed be invisible so I could remain the same. The only thing changing was the natural process of me growing up, while my insides became more confused.

The small town I grew up in wasn’t very different from when I was a young girl to the time I graduated high school. I was content but as much as I thought I wanted to break out, I was afraid to leave. One day my best friend and I thought that a change would do us good. So we took a leap, packed our things and moved 50 miles away to the closest city. One with a shopping mall, fast food on every corner and a freeway.

Feeling quite mature and somewhat more free, we discovered there was more to life than working at a fast food chain, cruising the loop of our tiny little town on the weekends, sunbathing at our favorite swimming hole and hanging out with the guys because there was nothing better to do. Content yet bored, there had to be something better than this.

We both found new adventures waiting for us as we parted ways geographically, but remained best friends even still.  That would never change. Both of us got married within a few short years, one month apart. Added together we had five sons between us. While she stayed happily married and in the same home with her wonderful, little flourishing family, I was in a constant state of change. Oh the roller coaster this man took me on. What other choice did I have? I was stuck.

By the time we made a circle in all the different small cities over a period of six years, I found myself right back where it all began. The familiar smell of the pine trees, clean air, majestic mountains and now two stop lights, I was back home. A place I never wanted to return. Happiness was this place in my rearview mirror, for a brief moment in time.

Come to find out later, all this moving around was merely us running from ourselves, me escaping me, but everywhere we went, there we were, he was and I was dying inside. Back in my what once was my safe haven, I began to hide out once again. This is my life. Deal with it, and that I did. Miserable and breaking, angry and unsatisfied, I found ways to survive.

My sons became my only source for joy and a means to escape from the turmoil residing within. My focus completely on them while I waited for their dad to change so I might feel anything other than hopeless. obsessed with his comings and goings, the frequencies were happening more often now. His drinking consumed him and I was losing myself as I sunk deeper into the darkness of despair.

My best friend’s home was my only means of refuge, but it was now two and almost a half hours away. That required a skillful way of scraping enough gas money together to load up my three joys and run away, at least for a weekend. The ease I felt just being there. In the presence of what I could only imagine normal might look like. The tension I carried seldom allowed me to relax. The five little boys with all their energy, exhausted me, but my frustrations and tears were understood here.

Dread set in every mile I drove to return to that place I now called home again. What other choice did I have? I felt trapped, unloved by this man I chose to marry. After all, if he truly did love me, he would change. The play was a continuance of my childhood just with different actors now. I was destined for this life that contained people who were consumed by the drink.

A martyr was born. She was always in there, but now she had blossomed and played her role well. Forced to come out of the background when my oldest son started school, I actually made a few friends. How refreshing and at the same time, foreign to be in the company of some positive energy. Soon I couldn’t get enough and found ways to be around it more.

I wanted to be like these seemingly happy people, so I soaked up what I could and held on tight. Not knowing what or how it happened, but I felt a little spark inside that shifted something. I think it was the possibility of thriving instead of surviving. Maybe there is a way. For the first time, I began to hope.

Six homes, a one year separation, multiple disappointments, constant let downs, agony, defeat, his DUI and arrest, a brief period of homelessness, fearful and hopeless, many years later, ten to be exact, I came to a crossroad. I realized it had been me all along that needed to make a change if I wanted anything to actually be different. I chose life, but what did that look like?

I had only ever known misery and it was a demented, familiar comfort. I was petrified as I walked in the door. A room full of strangers in a make shift church, but in a strange way I felt at rest. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control and you will never cure it.” I was hooked and relieved. Those three little “C’s” gave me the freedom I had longed for my entire life. Those that were consumed by their addictions weren’t going to change unless they wanted to. I was soon going to find out that no matter what I did, I was just not that powerful.

As long as I continue to do what I have always done,

I will continue to get what I have always gotten

growth

Nothing changes if nothing changes…

 TBC…

 

 

 

 

 

A chance encounter? No, a divine appointment…

As a lotus is able to emerge from muddy waters un-spoilt and pure it is considered to represent a wise and spiritually enlightened quality in a person; it is representative of somebody who carries out their tasks with little concern for any reward 

Red lotus; this is related to the heart, and the Lotus flower meaning is associated with that of love and compassion.

red lotus

God, what is it You want me to see in this moment of Your plan? How else would You have me view it? You promised me that if You brought me to it, only You will get me through it. I hold onto Your word and have never been let down, so why would I question You now?

A hedge of protection sealed my heart like a newborn baby swaddled in a blanket. Your warmth and comfort all around me as I drove up next to his truck. I hesitated not a moment, obedient to Your direction. THIS is who You have transformed me to be today. Feeling safe and secure I exited the car, walking to the entrance, my head held high, my heart You did soften, my edges so smooth. From the other side of the pain I have been weathering, I once again could see through the eyes of my heart. Praying to let my words be few, my voice soft and gentle as I walked in the door.

He stood there at the soda machine, filling his club soda, his gaze out the window he took a small sip. Reaching up I gently rubbed his back, he turned to see who as a smile formed on my lips, a soft and gentle hello emerged from my soul. Peace washed over me in that instant and I knew it was the right thing to do. 

Surprised by my sudden appearance, he reached out to give me a warm embrace. I don’t think he expected to find us in this position ever again. A little small talk to break the ice of this slightly awkward, but strangely comfortable meeting. An exchange of pleasantries, followed by a confused look that would accompany his honest statement. The assumption was that he too would be banished as I had done with my ex~husband many years before. The softened smile remained on my lips as I conveyed to him, that is not who I am today.

The truth of the matter is, I have a healing and forgiving heart now. That is a blessing that God has bestowed upon me. I do have that same compassion and kindness for the ex~husband as well. The difference is that man isn’t able to receive it for his own personal struggles.

I had to decline the offering to join him. Not that I didn’t welcome the idea, but God set the time limit as I had to pick up the baby from daycare in a few minutes. Confusion seemed to continue to wash over his face. Maybe it was more amazement of this lady standing before him with the ability to be in his presence with grace. Whatever it meant for him, it showed me just how far I have come in my faith and believe my life is divinely laid out.  

As the brief conversation carried on, a few matters of importance were revealed to me and I hope some were for him as well. Was it too soon for this encounter? How could it be when God’s timing is perfectly in order. I am still very raw and emotionally attached. Perhaps deep down wanting to engage in a dialog, which I opted to reveal, I trust in the process that is ultimately bringing forth my healing. Being aware of the slippery slopes we are both capable of sliding down is half the battle. Neither of us electing to repeat a pattern of old. 

Another warm embrace while savouring the simplicity yet somehow depths, of the words we shared, gave a sense of ease as I walked towards the door. Climbing back into the car, I gave a glimpse up to the truck that was carting the new motorcycle. For an instance I felt a twinge of sorrow knowing I was no longer a part of him. However, at that same moment I thought, was I really ever? 

Driving down the road about a quarter of a mile, my dampened cheek reminded me, this is where we are now. His words rung in my ears, “it has to be all or nothing…” Not sure exactly what to make of that other than, I felt robbed by what he meant because I was never given that opportunity. The choice was never mine to make, but instead the decision was made for me. All I knew right then and there was, I love this man and I always will…

Once more I looked up and asked my Father,

“what is it You want me to see in all of this…?”

i-will-follow-you-everywhere

“Wait and trust. When the time is right, you will know, more will be revealed…”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. 

 

a change in direction is in order…

I once was lost, but now I’m found…

chains

When might I ever find my place in this world? I am not all that unlike most of you out there. Just a constant attempt at being the very best me I am capable of. I no longer seek perfection and will run the opposite direction if that is what you are expecting of me today. I embrace the girl inside and the lady I have become…

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

…but do I believe this self talk? I have no reason to lie, convince or even berate myself for that matter. There are questions I have pondered as I have spent the better part of these past few weeks meandering through memories. What is it I want to accomplish in my life? Where do I envision me when I look at those goals? I saw how on some days, I walked gracefully through my struggles having been granted God’s mercy and favor. Yet on others, I stumbled and even fell while getting right back up again. There is not a bitter taste on my tongue, nor an ill wish in my heart.   

Upon reading some new blogs in the community as well as those I have been following, I decided to clean house. The removal process was cleansing because some no longer serve a purpose and frankly disturb me now. During this undertaking, I was prone to look at the rollercoaster of events over the course of my own writings. The realizations I encountered hit me like an anvil. I understand no one wants that type of rude awakening, but sometimes it is exactly what I need. The bottom line is, I may not be as fucked up as I once was, but I surely have some serious deep weeding to do if I am ever going to pull up those roots.

This is in no way a kick my own ass, reprimanding sort of self-deprecation by any means. A mere honest observation as I continue to seek out the real me that has not yet come to fruition. Today was one of those sort of days to sit and wonder where life might be taking me next. Nothing more, nothing less. 

moving on

As I skimmed through my memories, there were some I was a little surprised by, while others made me smile as they took me back. I thought to myself, kitty, this has certainly been an interesting chapter. Full of new discoveries, adventures, and multiple (all this word implies) blessings, none of which I would change or trade. I looked at it through the eyes of my heart. Wouldn’t you know it, all I found there was joy and love, even through the trials I found victories. During times of confusion or anguish, I sought through prayer for deliverance that brought me to clarity. 

 

womans heart

My story may be written, but it is up to me to follow His direction, His light, His lead  I choose to stay the course and keep on keepin on…

just part of the journey…

china air

gazing to the sky as your plane descends through the air

my heart sinks a little more knowing you no longer care

not wanting to bear thoughts of me not waiting for that flight

six hours down another highway I drove into the night

a simple change of scenery from the corners of my mind 

turning it all over a daily struggle I often find

take comfort in His mercy knowing He brought me to this 

with honor favor and grace I am promised I will have bliss

she saw through my eyes into the windows of my soul

startled by her touch this stranger said I’ll take this grief so you will be whole

smiling I replied but for today I still feel weary as this too one day will pass

until then I will keep talking about it not caring if I’m a pain in the ass

when my silence does come what a glorious day that shall be

the healing may have started for now I am where I am and this is just me

it saddens me to know that what once was is no longer

my heart though it’s been tattered continues to beat stronger

a month is drawing near since we last said a final word

departing of our ways neither one clearly heard

the reprieve I did need from seeing your comforting face

grateful for your time away which brought me to a better space

sometimes life feels so heavy confusing and torn apart

turn the page as we walk away giving a brand new start

all I ever wanted was to love you through it all 

when that exchange didn’t happen from you we began to fall

this is not how I want to remember you today 

but rather that man I did love I will honestly be able to say…

love you always