Maybe it’s all in her headshe wonders if He thinks she doesn’t knowshe remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dreadinstinct is a peculiar feelingvery seldom wrongshe has learned to listen intently to itnot push aside or place on ignorethis powerful message is what keeps her strongshe carries on acting as if wanting this life to be realher best effort put forward to honor serve and pleaseher heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feelin her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hidedeny what was right in front of hernot face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much insidesmile through the daysin the night He is right therewhat really ventures through our mindsenjoy this moment in time knowing how much we sharebeing this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tiredHe reminds her often this is no easy taska consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wiredso much to learn as her training continues she steadily growsnot wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving armsHis property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knowsone thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise aboveunderstanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trustin return she desires to receive His security protection and lovethe day washes over them our small town fun we did partakelaughing and drinking talking and playinga beautiful day please never let me be awaketears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained faceThe Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embracethe liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
My heart has been buried alive
not once or twice but more than I care to admit
Back then I impetuously accused you for all things that went wrong
As you watched me bleed because you would not commit
One after another my pattern unclear
Is something offensively wrong with me
Yet I needed to draw you near
For a lifetime now I owned the words
accepted all the shame
Lies, deceit and opposition
Pick your poison as it manifests it’s how we play the game
Which one is sicker in the end who stands tall
I stay to the death committed and strong
Or perhaps it’s defeat as I begin to fall
A martyr once was the role I wore best
Till one day victory won over
Putting me to the test
How far can she bend till she breaks inside
Twisted like an old oak
But more like a palm tree holding its pride
Brush it off this current layer of sludge
Never mind what they’ve all told you
Only bitterness holds a grudge
Your spirit is within a bright and mighty soul
They never mean to harm and scathe
it’s just who they are
It’s up to you to relinquish all the illusion of control
I am more than enough this lady worth having solely
You will never convince me otherwise
Because I will always love you wholly
I’m reminded who I am each time the sun sets low
A wonderful package full and complete
A display of wonders to be lifted up never held below
A treasured one to behold, loved, honored and cherished
It’s not your fault you couldn’t see my value for all its worth
So hold your head low and watch as we parish
It came to this as it typically does the inferno shoots the flame
I have it all… heart, body, mind and soul
There is only you to blame
Sleep well my little time bomb…
I started because You saw something within me. I stuck it out with everything to gain. Today I stay as my confidence is lifted, this is my new domain…
After a mile run to warmup, the strength work out is next. Eighty-five pounds on my back, 5 x 3 now rack that. Next, how much can I clean in 3 rounds five reps each? Everybody warm now? Let’s go!
With Pandora blasting a favorite Rise Against song to get us going, the clock starts. It’s me against myself in a warehouse full of weights, ropes, a giant rig and about ten other amazing people.
Let the “death by 50” WOD begin: 50 calorie row, 50 box jumps, 50 dead lifts, 50 wall ball shots, 50 ring dips, 50 wall ball shots, 50 dead lifts, 50 box jumps, 50 calorie row.
For my final time of 47.13, one by one, sweaty exhausted bodies begin to drop to the floor. Hearts pumping, breathing heavily while cheering on those still left to finish.
Proud of my 95 pound dead lifts for a total of 100 and pressed on with the Rx weight of 14 pounds for a total of 100 wall ball shots, a smile emerged from my lips at last. My goal is, don’t watch the clock, to always finish and never fail.
In the midst of it all, I hear the shouting of my name when she says, “you got this!”, then a pat on my ass as he walks by and says, “nice job!” I’m lifted up, encouraged to push harder, do better, get stronger and show up for more tomorrow.
These sexy calluses on my palms I have earned, each scar tells a story and every bruise eventually fades…
this is Crossfit, my safe community, my team
Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.
He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?
As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.
The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.
Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.
Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear. How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.
As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.
We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.
Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.
For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.
In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.
It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…
My heart has felt pain before. It has been torn and shredded to a state of which I imagined restoration wasn’t possible. I was proven wrong when I cried out to The Lord, “Please take this from me!” He didn’t allow the suffering to continue, but instead a new understanding arose in that, God never does anything TO me, but rather FOR me. Out of the ashes, beauty remains, always. I am certain this time, if a contest were held, I would take the biggest prize for the most beautifully erected creature that was birthed from such ashes.
The intensity that comes from a broken heart can feel unbearable. Self created illusions that dilute reality of what is, can be the largest form of self-destruction. When ill intent is placed upon one person in a relationship and was defined by that one, it leaves the other to sit and wonder in uncertainty and the damage is irreversible. Only by the miracle of His Holiness can the healing happen.
What the fuck is this girl talking about? Do specifics even matter when a heartache is mentioned? It is a universal feeling where most breathing humans can nod in agreement without needing details of what encounters took place. I am not in the business of smearing my personal agony of defeat for public knowledge, but if I talk around it enough, you get the idea, my fucking heart is screaming out in pain!
Was He “interested in hurting me”? (God, I am sick of hearing that) He is quick to respond, “No.” My quicker response is, “Then stop!” Too late. Lying by omission, I am pretty damn sure in the eyes of The Lord, is still lying. Punishable? Condemnation? Convicted? Not likely, because God is in the business of forgiving. He knows the story from the end to the beginning, He is not surprised by any of this, so couldn’t You have clued me in sooner? God, You always have my heart and soul. Did I not listen to You? Miss the signs and subtle clues? Ignore my natural instincts? The correct answer to all is, YES! I put my trust in You Lord and have never been let down. I did however, give complete control over to flesh, giving him the power to destroy and he did.
I have prayed repeatedly, I believe and declare, You sent this man to me, broken in the start and need of some repair. My promise I gave was, I would never give up on him. Devotion and honor, I stood on Your word as You held me high, assuring me I would not fall. Guess what? The ground underneath is rough and brittle with jagged rocks all around. It hurt when I fell, was dragged for miles and didn’t have enough presence of mind to let go long ago the way he did. I held on so tightly to what I thought was true. Dedicated, honest and loving You reminded me to be. Willingly obedient was what I became, now look where I stand, crumbled. I may be knocked down, but I am not down forever.
Where was the commitment I am deserving of? The love that was shown through actions fell short and is clearly nonexistent in my eyes now. Did I imagine all his glorious wondrous things that were delivered to me? Without a doubt, they occurred, but with an attachment of my own self creation only. Do I make clear that I want what I want? Absolutely and to my own detriment I have been told time and time again. I am first a child of God. I have royalty in my DNA and am entitled to be treated as such, with loving kindness and nothing short of that. So why the fuck would I settle for less?
I apologized to God in advance for using such profanity and proclaiming His name and promises together in this painful rant. He has already forgiven me and I praise Him for that.
Where in the hell is all of this going? I have no fucking idea, because at this point I feel directionless, lost and confused as fuck. Hurt and angry along with a whole gamut of feelings. The list goes on as does the rant. It is as relentless as the verbal attacks that have challenged my self value. Apparently my conscious choice of living in denial has served no other purpose but to do its one and only mission, to bite me in the ass yet again.
It has long been my experience that in order to walk away from something that I want more than anything in this world, I have to be this devastated and then angry before I can change the behavior. No shit! That is the equivalence to hitting the bottom of a rock hard surface where landing on my ass hurts less than the actual act of letting go of the rope.
In asking him the question a multitude of times, “Why did you keep me around so long???” I was met with what I would like to believe were honest and heartfelt, however generic responses. Can you elaborate on and define what “feelings” mean to you, because I am quite certain our interpretations are very different. Is it because the female rationale verses the male directive clouds this area every time? You know I loathe more than anything to be grouped as, “all girls think that way, behave and react that way”. No, I am a uniquely made lady that my Creator molded perfect in His image. I will say the same of you, if you ask me.
Did I just brake hard, turn right and flip a B in the middle here? Yes, I believe I did. Bear with me, it is exactly how my fucked up brain is operating right now. The system is on overload, while the heart and head have entered the battle zone awaiting for the war to end. The, what feels like a ten foot drop between the two, cannot ever agree what is best for me. They often leave me to my own devices to figure the muddled mess out. When that rarely works out to my advantage, I stop, drop and pray. This time, it is more like run, drag and scream. However it comes out, The Divine One hears my cries.
Is there a fucking end to this rant? I don’t know. Is there an end to this excruciating heartache? That is the question of the hour, as well as the past 24 and likely what may feel like an eternity. Praise God there is no time limit on how quickly or slowly I vomit this crap out of my brain until it is out. The ultimate goal is just that, to relieve myself of every ounce of the toxic thoughts swarming around inside telling me lie upon lie. “Get the fuck out” is what I shout, yet here they are. Planted by a cruel person from the past and dredged up by feelings of defeat from the present day.
I chose not to direct one ill word to or about the person from which this is all derived from. Out of absolute respect on the one hand, but on the other hand, because I too have a part in this. I am still examining what that is exactly and so far what I have come up with is, I was a willing participant. As much as I want to call bullshit on his part where he is justifying, that isn’t up to me. Does it affect me? More than words can say. I made an investment with my whole self, both feet, look heart, no hands style. Regret? Remorse? Revolt? Retaliate? Not who I am today.
I am guilty of love, tried and convicted, nothing more, nothing less. So fuck me for caring, needing and wanting you all to myself.
We are where we are, broken and undone
I loved You then and I love You still
I love you now and I always will…
“Life’s deepest meaning is not found in accomplishments, but in relationships.” Gary Chapman
When I really think about this statement, I realize that I cultivate relationships in all aspects of my life, all of which leave me feeling accomplished in some form. For this past year, but more accurately put, these last several months, I have dedicated my ways to seeing things through the eyes of others. God has graced me with this importance; that it is far better to understand than to be understood.
In order to continue success in my business, I must network to obtain and sustain clients. In order to fulfill those needs of our clients, I must maintain good working relationships with my subcontractors. In doing so, everyone is satisfied.
While I am at the gym, for my workout to be beneficial, I participate in the playful atmosphere the trainers create. In order for us to get through the workout with correct form and commitment to our personal gains, we support and encourage each other to finish and not fail.
As for my spiritual side, that takes many members of the village to assist in keeping my balance for life. All of whom I keep a deep connection with weekly and some on a daily basis. This is the way I feed my spirit and nurture my soul.
Then there are my personal relationships that are the most vital to my well-being. Those special people who are the closest to me, that keep my heart on a continuum to beat and pump at a healthy pace. These include my three sons, beautiful toddler~aged granddaughter, best friend, life coach and of course, my Sir. All of whom without their participation in my life and mine in theirs, I would have no purpose on this journey called life.
I praise God daily for letting me see through His eyes that love is the foundation for all relationships to come to fruition. He has provided me with such an abundance of His everlasting love, how can I not share the overflow?
Deep in thought about respect, love, honor, loyalty and submission. All of which I have and willingly give to my Sir. The question arises now, do I have these coming back to me. I cannot definitively say anymore as new light is shed upon circumstances beyond my comprehension to hold. Discretion is not a fine tuned practice for anyone and I am not immune to it. So now I ask myself, if I am not being exclusively committed to, should I be committed? This gives me pause, reason to ponder and reevaluate my own boundaries.
I have grown in my love for my Sir. Given full submission to Him and gratefully surrender my mind, body and soul to Him. Upon meeting this beautiful soul just shy of three years ago, I was determined not to let Him near my heart, let alone my body. Sir was (and still is) easy on the eye. Our ability to carry on an easy flowing conversation was very attractive to me. His emotional maturity refreshing along with His natural way of leading. It was only a matter of months before I was in. One morning out to breakfast together, after a guise of seeing His new mantel and wood stove, before I knew it, Sir “took what was His” and has ever since.
Although we were both very vanilla back then, not having the pleasure of voicing our desires in either of our past lives, we slowly began to discover deeper sensual things about the other. Even then, the submission had begun for me as He was learning to exercise the true Man that resided within and I the sub wanting to explode and surrender to Him.
It wasn’t until earlier this year that Sir introduced a new lifestyle, one toy, one erotic scene, one conversation at a time. At last our kinks, fetishes, mutual desires began to be revealed. Exploration of the other introduced an entire new form of this flourishing relationship we now refer to as D/s.
So I am in conflict with myself, my feelings and mostly my own boundaries of what I am willing to participate in. As a beautiful, willing, young enough sub who strives hard and succeeds most of the time to please her Sir, I am praying for the courage to share my truth, speak from my heart and say out loud to my Sir what He already knows. The fact that I not only need exclusiveness I have to feel secure in this wish that He is capable of honoring it. In order for me to continue our journey together along this path that He paves the way for, I must use my voice.
The struggle remains because the outcome is unknown. What I do know is I have but this one life and I no longer intend to live it in wonder and confusion. I allowed myself to remain in an unhealthy marriage ten years longer than I ought to have when it was clearly sentenced to death long before. Sir had a very similar experience and close to the same length of dreaded time. In actuality, this is the first working, healthy relationship either of us has ever encountered because we are both working on our own “stuff”. We have taken risks in each other, invested more than I ever thought possible. Each worthy of the other. This is in no way to have the feel of or give a sense of an ultimatum. I would never disrespect my Sir in that way. It is the fact merely suggesting that I am aware I must be true to me. He wouldn’t want me any other way.
I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, nor is perfection something I aspire to, but rather living up to the very best of my capabilities is my goal. Sir pushes me hard to achieve these and He sees the positive outcome in the results. He reminds me that it makes Him happy and it pleases Him very much . In turn, those compliments encourage me to work harder whether it be for my career, my body or simply life. The rewards are endless. His care and compassion ignite my soul.
Together we make complete sense.
Sir is everything I never knew I always wanted…
Just yesterday I told the trainer of the day that she was my pace car. She replied, “or maybe you are mine.” We finished a tough, grueling, tiresome workout within .09 seconds of each other. Funny, this picture is what I said to her on our 5th RFT (round for time). It’s not about the time, it’s about finishing, right? She concurred.
Lately I have become borderline obsessed with my cross-fit training. Partly because the Captain pushes me when I want to back out, but mostly because I love how I feel when it’s over. Yesterday Captain sent me a quote/picture that says, “skinny girls look good in clothes, fit girls look good naked”. I am sure that one is floating around the manosphere. I told him I hope that was a good message for me from him. His reply,”I wouldn’t have sent it if not”. Okay, I accept that.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me lately, but the wheel is spinning and I see no way off except to fling myself off and pray for a soft but firm landing. Captain is going through some old crap of emotions and needs time to sit with it, walk through it, and come out the other side better for it. I, however, am being a “pain in his ass” and not only is he aware of it, so am I.
This is what injects me with the need to step up my fitness for my core and mental stability. I definitely feel my usually balanced triangle slightly obtuse in form. I come across as needy and whiny, rather revolting I must say. This is not the confident lady I portray these days. Certainly not the one Captain became attracted to in the first place. He told me he “understands this old crap of behavior and where it stems from, but to just knock it off!” Ugh, if only it were that simple.
Well, as always, I had a grand epiphany a few moments ago. I know how I got off-balance, ONEITIS strikes again! I understand myself enough to realize this is a very old pattern of mine, but still it rears its ugly head when I get too comfortable. The difference for me today is that I have a well-rounded, somewhat balanced life. I know that my happiness is my responsibility. So why do I get dependent on that ONE? hmmm…
I have my own business with independent contractors to assist in running it. My life is my own as well as my time, which I take advantage of by taking great care of me! Something I never considered before. I have friends that I don’t really hang out with so much, but we text and have an occasional lunch or “girls night”. (consists of dinner, cocktails, laughing while ignoring the blatant meat stares around us) Realization; I have reached that age and stage in my life where I am content with spending more time with Captain.
How does this tie together with what I started writing about and then landed here? I don’t have a solid answer other than, the freakin’ wheel goes round and round…No wonder the Captain says I am being a pain his ass lately. Gratefully I don’t share his sentiments when he is literally in mine. A whole other blog in itself!