a lost kitty…

sad kitty

Where did Kitty go? Maybe the better question is, when did Kitty disappear? It was a subtle transition as my former Sir introduced a D/s lifestyle sometime back. At the time that was the way it was presented to me, a lifestyle, but somewhere along the way, the former Sir decided that a 24/7 wasn’t what he desired after all and the rules changed. The new memo was not entered into the invisible book, instead it was rather an assumption I was to just know . So lets keep it to a scene only D/s relationship, but continue to divulge in the lifestyle at particular moments that were never quite clear. The former Sir commanded and demanded every ounce of respect he was deserving of and kitty willingly complied.

He still deemed me his kitty and expected my submissiveness around the clock, when it worked for him, but still I wanted it. Confusion eroded this kitty’s brain. When do I behave as an authentic sub? The clouded version of what this looked like to kitty was far different from Sir’s version. When kitty was too playful in public, Sir gave disapproving looks with the assurance of correction when we got home. Another memo lost or blatantly not sub-mitted in the rule book. What was happening?

As time went on, the expectations placed on kitty increased to a larger scale that she began to feel defeated. There was such uncertainty to Sir’s rules that left kitty sitting in wonder and self-doubt of her obedience and  her role anymore. Often she became paralyzed by thoughts of making a wrong decision for fear of looking badly in her former Sir’s eyes. The last thing kitty ever wanted was to let him down. So she carried on as if all was well, because the former Sir would falsely lead her to believe that as the truth.

The deception that was being created was becoming unbearable to this once purring kitty. She now was in a constant state of inner turmoil that caused her to second guess her once confident self. The surety of what was to be a protected safe interaction between two people who consciously chose to enter a lifestyle together, quickly became tainted by extracurricular activities by her former Sir.

Long before they found themselves in this existence, the former Sir casually mentioned it once and he was told that his kitty does not share her Sir. Her boundaries clearly spoken, yet Sir held tight to his conviction that nothing had changed from when he first stated this long before. Here is where it became a muddled mess, a technicality if you will. Knowing my feelings that I am never willing to be one of many, why would I knowingly stay along for this ride? Why would Sir keep me? He didn’t need me.

Because it was not spoken of again, kitty thought she was understood and had nothing to fear.  How could it be viewed any other way I pleaded. According to the former Sir, because it was stated once, it didn’t deserve the consideration to be revisited as they evolved in their relationship and he carried on. Unspoken words on both sides have led us to this place of destruction, pain and sorrow.

As this lost kitty reflects back and comes to this present day, she mentally follows the path that brought us to this place we are now stuck in, turmoil of finality. The result has been the demise of this once faithfully purring kitty and, what I had assumed, was a satisfied, respected Sir.

We prided ourselves for our ability to communicate about anything, but even that became a criticized event on the former Sir’s side. His constant claiming that he was not being heard or his concerns being considered was inaccurate from my side. It began to feel like I was dealing with a man whose past life continually taunts and tortures him and I was somehow responsible for cleaning up the wreckage created by those who came before me.

Now this kitty feels she has been led astray, broken, crushed and wounded. Was there malicious, self sabotaging intent on the former Sir’s part? I cannot definitively answer that, for it would be mere speculation, but it feels that way. The reasons that come up for me are  his own paralyzing fear to commit for fear of betrayal from the women in his past.

For this kitty to have entered into such a deep, intimate interaction between two people that is solely based on trust, I now feel very deceived and extremely used and abused. My former Sir broke the rules and the trust that must accompany the standards of this world we became a part of. Too often the rules were rewritten and his kitty never received a copy. She was left to guess, figure things out and when she couldn’t, there was unfair punishment administered. Usually in the form of her former Sir withholding himself from her as he, “made room for others” because I “wasn’t interested in stepping up”. To what, I never had defined concisely, only left feeling depleted of his love. That was highly torturous and demeaning to kitty.

In the end, kitty’s Sir stripped her the right to call him her Sir any longer, deeming her unworthy and she is to “earn that privilege back over time” when her former Sir lets her know. She continued to fall short in his eyes, so she tried harder to no avail. Eventually the light shined down on the truth, that her former Sir had in fact not committed to her in the way she had thought. Instead he eluded her for some time as she continued to feel excluded and doubted he ever intended to give her any part of him.

It is now clear that this once amazing Dominant had become Domineering. It was a gradual shift, but over the course of events had become apparent to kitty. Now she is left holding her heart in her hands as her tears continue to shed, wondering how she arrived at this place…

trust in the Lord

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He is not to be challenged…

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be accountable, take responsibility of one’s own life, achieve emotional maturity…

I will be the first one to admit my part in the demise of my 18 year, broken marriage some 6 years ago. After all, even I played a 5% role in the spiral down. The only way I was able to find relief from the burden of guilt, was to accept that I had even a small part. Here is where I get to share that my ex-husband’s contribution was found at the bottom of any bottle. This is not to evoke a round of “aww’s”, just merely painting the picture for a clearer understanding. The infamous, “blame and shame game” is over.

I have worked through many years of self discovery to find a more complete, healthier me just waiting to be revealed. I thought I would never know the girl who was waiting inside to come out. I spent so many years fighting against everything I grew up watching, especially the learned behavior that was inflicted upon me. It had such negative affects on me that I acted as a bitter feminist on the outside, while the feminine young lady was screaming to get out.

Everything in my life was spinning out of control. My only device and illusion, was a meager attempt to control  my own environment. This is “my part” of which I mentioned. I challenged the father of my children on every turn. I had no respect for him as a man, nor did I have confidence in his role as leader. The results for this already beta male, was to step back (and down) surrender to the idea of his wife, the mom, to take charge. It disgusts me now to think of it, but it was what it was. The lessons far outweigh the regrets for I am a better woman having walked through them.

Fast forward to today…I can now see the maturity and confidence I have gained from my life experiences. The facade of that feminist, thankfully died as I came into my true self by surrendering that old stinkin’ thinkin’. It no longer serves a purpose in my life.

Lately, as Captain and I interact, I have been taking stock in my inner feelings. I realized that when he speaks in his stern, directive way, I make an honest attempt to listen intently. Though sometimes it needs repeating (oh how he despises that). I know that when I ask for him to restate his words, it is a huge trigger from his past. (not being heard or listened to) I would never consider challenging him. Don’t get me wrong, I have not turned into a mindless drone, I simply know that while I have a voice, his word is final.

All of these ramblings I put out here are instrumental in my positive, mental health. The unveiling of my personal struggles along with my successes, help me to see my own progress. The only options for me today are, I get to glance back without staring, but I must move forever forward. My journey thus far does not define me, however it has built my character. I am a blessed lady~thank you God!