If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.
When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.
I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.
I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.
Upon awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval.
The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.
Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.
Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…
When Captain first asked me last year if I was ready to step outside my comfort zone (referring to my fitness plan) and try something new, being the obedient F.O., my first initial response was, of course! He explained what he was thinking and had looked into. This is a man who has always been into fitness and active, but only until the recent swallowing of the bitter red pill, did he truly make a commitment. He upped his gym time and somewhat hit a plateau when he discovered a new hardcore gym. He took on the trial and the prerequisite 8 day training course, dabbled a bit, but never fully committed. After my quick, “yes” (because you gals out there know how much we aim to please with full respect) I came up with excuse number one, let me finish school first, then can we revisit it? Yes, three months later, I earned my first degree and graduated. Honestly, I hadn’t thought about his offer on the table since.
One day he went to the old gym, nothing new about that, then said he had signed up for the new one as well. My reaction, as if I had the right to have one was, without me? Whiner, yuk. Being the awesome Captain that he is, replied, “it’s not my job to drag you through. I told you once”. Ouch! He’s right. My body is my responsibility. His is to push me and lead me, but he cannot do it for me. So he handled signing me up for my training part and now I too was committed.
It has been two months and I am a little more faithful than he is about going, but in all fairness, Captain does have a lot more on his platter than I do on my saucer. He is in incredible shape and his strength is undeniably sexy! Every time I go (three times per week/did I mention hardcore because more might kill me, for now) I text him my PR and he does the same for me. At first, I was all girly brained about it, ah can’t we go together? blah blah blah…It’s hard enough with the men trainers pushing me. If he came to the same session, I’d be worried about what he is thinking, I need to work harder, faster, lift more, checking my form etc…this way he encourages and supports me by hearing my results. It is definitely an exciting commonality we can share and support each other in. The results are amazing and the perks even better.
Today, was not such a difficult workout (no feeling of the puks), but the trainer pushed me as the Captain would (made me wonder if they were in cahoots) heavier weights, more reps. While I always leave and later feel the good soreness from an awesome workout, the gracious praises I was given by Captain made it all worth it! He has pride in me and it shows. He tells me how sexy I am and that it makes him happy when I work hard on my body, for me as well as for him.
It was easy in the past to be that slump who made lame excuses why I didn’t take better care of myself. Lack of time, no energy, kid’s demands on my time…yea yea. I went back to school, became sole proprietor of my business and now my time is my own. (excuse slaughtered) I now have more sexual energy than I ever thought imaginable. Having the sexiest Captain wanting and taking me daily, sometimes 2 or even 3 times, keeps me on track. (another excuse death) The third and final son graduates high school tomorrow…(out of excuses).
Thank you to my Captain for pushing me “to discover that the person that I thought I was is no match for the one I really am”. I adore you!