my heart please be changed…

So I wasn’t everything you ever wanted or solely who you needed, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t enough, nor worthy of all I deserved and needed.

self bondage

Somewhere along the way that was the message received. I pushed harder to fit inside the illusion of who you wanted me to be. I was continually met with resistance and couldn’t understand why. Story of my life darlin’; “if I only do more, be more, try more, I will succeed in performing right for you and then be accepted and loved”. All of which are contradictory to everything I have worked so hard to escape from these past 11 years. 

I am praying to be finished with dwelling in the pain and defeat. I ask God to lift these feelings of discouragement and remove them. I know who I am and I know Whose I am.. The systems of my life I have operated in, have been a small series of men all of whom I endured verbal abuse from. 

The way it has been is not the way it has to stay. God did not make me faulty and He will not participate in a path of self-destruction. He has nothing but grand intentions for me. When will I pay attention and be obedient solely to Him? It is time to stop allowing the enemy opportunities to create spiritual warfare on my soul. He is crafty, that one and works his evil ways on the insides of others, but my God is bigger!

Contentment is what I strive for today. Without it I will continually seek fulfillment from outside sources, ensuring the bondage of self.    

3rd step prayer

The Lord continues to reveal more brokenness of you my love, my former Sir, because that’s what I needed to have a better understanding to our finality. Wreckage that has wreaked havoc on someone should never be an excuse for bad behavior, only a reason. 

We are always appointed to be accountable and responsible for our actions. Coming to terms with that is how I escape blame and shame. Acceptance shows up, relieving pain and anger from their positions and being replaced by compassion and forgiveness on the other side.

I am not where I once was, but I am not yet where I am going. If I were, this would be the end of my journey and my final goodbye. No, I will rise up and shine once again, just like before.

My heart may be pierced, tear stains on my cheeks, new scars that will be there to remind me, but my value is intact. It can no more be lessened than it can be increased or determined by another. No one is that powerful.  

psalm 5 6-8

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The most uncomfortable place I can be in is, the unknown…

believe

I became a believer a few years ago. I walk in faith, you know, believing in something you cannot see. Every now and then fear rears its ugly horns (and pitchfork) and I am sitting in the discomfort zone of hell!

devil

This was a doozy of a misunderstanding between the Captain and I. However, to him it was much, much more. Of course I couldn’t leave well enough alone by listening to him tell me to stop pressing the issue. He just wasn’t ready for the conversation yet. He was absolutely right in his thinking and I ended up with what I deserved. A couple of days to think about what I was going to do differently and how!

As I was headed to one of my favorite jogging trails, I felt tears of confusion well up and I asked God to give me clarity. “Please just put me heavy on the Captain’s heart so we can move past this”. I had just barely parked the car, engine still running and a text came through, “I’ll pick you up for breakfast at 8:45…” Praise You God!!

Needless to say, I skipped my run, flew home, dolled up with what little time I had and soon I was sitting in the truck, quietly waiting his cues. He gave me ample opportunity to open the bag of worms, but instead, I continued to make small talk and fiddle with breakfast while gazing out the window. I watched as others came in enjoying their day. Why is it that it always appears to me that the entire world is walking on sunshine when the pit of my stomach is burning? I continued to wait for that precise moment to begin my apologies, but it never seemed to come.

We ate, stopped off at the store, he took me home and I stood there in the doorway, dumbfounded still not knowing what to say or do, but the flooding of words were spilling over inside my head. I fumbled for what to say. He left. I panicked. Again, I asked God, “WTF do I do now? (He already forgave me for my foul acronym) You gave me a window. Shit, You ripped off the siding and still I said nothing!”

My instructions were, “deep breath, get in car, be responsible, take care of business first, then proceed to his door”. I did exactly what was put on my heart. I knew he’d be sitting in his office and see me the second I approached the door. As I put my hand on the doorknob, I could see the look of, “why the fuck are you here?” on his face. I asked permission to enter as I turned the knob, he nodded. I made a silly, break the ice comment, went pee and came back, “can I try this again, please?”

After a lengthy, productive, mature, long overdue conversation, (some teary on my part) he stood up, turned me around and gentle pushed me towards the bedroom as piece by piece he stripped me down. The gentleness was gone. Punishment came first, as well it should. My disobedience and disrespect had to be dealt with. I felt just how angry he had been for a day and a half as the sting from every swat brought a tear of relief to my eyes.

Angry, make up sex is very fucking sexy. Not that I plan to get my red ass in trouble again anytime soon, or on purpose. I would much rather have the discipline be for our erotic pleasure. I was however, very sad, still am, that he told me he threw my toys away. “They have to be earned” was his reply to my, “you did??!” Oh, I will earn them back, and then some!

spank