its ok to not be ok…

hidden behind the facade where the walls have been erected with mortar made from mud

the little child terrified from the fractured heart bound by fishing line and chicken rings

wounds too deep when unkind words activate are torn open wide exposed for all to see

how often played are messages of old embedded in the brain heard in hope of hearing a different tune

don’t invade personal space and catch a glimpse of the vulnerability and transperency

access denied to enter the gates of self protection

the guards wearing suits of armor ruthlessly portray indignant self reliance

puffed up to a world as the illusive island upon which to stand is safer than risk of possibility 

open the window just a crack  and take a peek 

allow the shell that remains the chance to be mended and filled once again

a celebration awaits with a resounding boastful hooray

the time is now to embrace the abundance with eyes open wide

declare the deserving of goodness trust the promise of deliverance and faithfulness of retention

let go the broken pieces for they shattered credibility while decieving what’s honorable inside

be free from shackled wrong beliefs knowing love covers all including places that attempt to hide

 

 

 

secret thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling
very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days
in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 

if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

secrets thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 
 

littles come out for many reasons…

once a reality in this little’s life…

Pretending to be something this girl is not, is not a viable option. Freedom from the invisible shackles that once bound her inside and out, even hidden from herself, no longer need to exist. This girl equates her inner being as “the little” she now embraces, to a likeness of “coming out”, so to speak. “Little” showed up a couple of years ago without her “big” realizing she had surfaced. Neither one knew why particular situations had such a devastating effect upon their heart that the “big” girl was usually capable of just letting go. Today, in comparison to a small child, her feelings become hurt and her tummy is stirred up at the slightest thought of letting her Daddy down or God forbid, making Him angry. What was happening to this once “independent” grown woman? It was as if she was reverting back to childhood and in a sense, she did.

Along with this transformation, this girl’s ability to be direct for clear communication became skewed, or did she ever really possess the capabilities? After a long conversation with a professional, her feelings of inadequacy and tendencies to go to that place of asking herself, “am i a burden?” she was helped to see that from childhood trauma, she never did quite have a direct way of asking for her needs. Nor did she ever learn how to clearly state what was on her mind for if and when she did, shame, ridicule, and pain inevitably followed. So, she developed a coping mechanism which only she knew inside what she wanted or needed and by the time the thoughts filtered through her mind and reached her voice, they became jumbled. What happened was she learned to talk all around it, leaving the person on the receiving end left to decipher her secret code. This was her only safe way of communicating, or obviously not. 

Daddy has brought this to her attention on numerous occasions and frankly, He is at His wits ends with it. This girl cannot say she blames Him for the irritation, but like anything else, she is always working to better herself and be released of these old patterns that no longer serve her today, but rather hurt her in the long run. So how does she change a behavior that has encroached her for a lifetime? Awareness is only the beginning as this little girl despises this defect of hers. As she stands at this crossroad scared, sad and confused, she knows she desperately wants to be better.

Today she had to look deep inside to seek out this girl’s earliest memories that can date back about twenty years ago when her best friend told her she speaks in puzzles. The bluntness never did escalate to a critical situation, but this girl’s feeling were hurt on occasion because she just didn’t know how to change it. Then again nine years ago, a new friend in this girl’s life, asked pointedly in his similar, irritated, stern voice, “why can’t you ever just say what you mean?!” That was more difficult to receive from this person and caused this girl to retreat farther inside again. Now her Daddy, whom she loves and cares for is telling her what she has heard two times in her life. Only coming from Him, it feels like deep cuts in an already existing wound because what He thinks matters to this girl’s core. The habitual form of communication, or lack there of,  is crippling her and leaving Daddy bewildered and irritated.

There have been new instructions Daddy has given this girl that makes her slow down and really have to stop to think before she speaks that seem to be helping, but she has so far to go. Getting rid of the old mindsets that are frightening and unsafe is her first order. The hope is to distinguish the obvious difference of whom she is speaking to today versus the past. Ridding herself of the trauma from old messages will be reduced and eventually eliminated. That is the only way to help her find her much valued voice her Daddy so desires. Sadly, this little girl goes through feelings of defeat, despair, hopelessness and sadness, but then camps out in hope until she remembers she is equipped and empowered. Her Daddy believes in her and so does she!

believe-in-me-cover-030513

today’s reality feels much safer…

fear is just a lie…

The tears choked back her words, but she managed to get them out. Through the sorrow and pain from a deep, past hurt, she spoke as if thirty years were just yesterday. I sat in absolute silence as I heard my own sadness spewing from her lips. Reminded me again that I am never alone in this life. Whatever my problems, there are always those who have had some of them too.

With her final thoughts through tear soaked cheeks, she gave a deep sigh and thanked everyone for listening and holding her heart. From across the table, I looked deep into her eyes and gave a genuine soft smile full of compassion that said how much I understood. Her grief prompted what came from me next.

The topic was perfection, one of my least favorite subjects to look at because there is truth revealed. The all-consuming state of being that stole my ability to just be me. It robbed me of a higher self-esteem I once possessed as it birthed the fear that would direct my lack of confidence from that day forward.

Inside, my little (baby girl) was tucked deep away where she felt safe and hidden from the world. Inevitably, big was growing up right along with that fear while perfectionism was consuming her life. The deep voice over her shoulder, the constant procession of his cruel words stymied her from rising up to her potential. How long does a person exert such power over another?

As long as I allow it…

Fast forward to my next thirty years, “Why is fear your default place to go to with me?”, he asked me one day. I could not come up with the answer, but it gave me such great pain and anguish from childhood that I chose to look at that. How can you understand me when I can’t even understand myself, I soon would discover. Fear is the go to familiar hiding place that won’t allow judgement to seep in if I remain quiet. I can be invisible if I don’t go to the finish line where no one will tell me, I could have done better.

That is fucked up…

The ironies of three states of being, contradictions in a sense…

fear + perfection = paralysis

FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PERFECTION: 1. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. 2.The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.

PARALYSIS: the loss of the ability to move (and sometimes to feel anything) in part or most of the body, typically as a result of illness, poison, or injury.

awareness + acceptance + action

AWARENESS: knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.

ACCEPTANCE: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

ACTION: the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

 

Construction underway…

I find it amazing, the core of deceptions that have been taking up space rent free for most of my life without my consent. Yet until now, my eyes have been shut to their existence. Through love and concern, honesty and caring, support and encouragement, that fear is beginning to dissipate. In bringing it to light, my protective glasses removed, at last I embrace you, in order to rid myself of your lies and deceit.

Truth is my friend…

Underneath it all is this incredible human being, capable of all things she chooses. She has legs to stand upon, a spine to keep her straight, the ability to conquer what comes before her, confidence and courage that dictates authenticity, a heart that is filled with honor, a soul abound with mercy and grace, and an abundance of love that carries her through everything.

Walk  beside me…

The road gets narrow, sometimes the path is long, but keep looking ahead, forever onward uncovering and discovering every blessing along the way.

What is found in the bottom of that bottle…

airplane

forty-eight hours till You return to me

Sir You’ve been gone far too long

my heart aches and longs to be free

how much tequila is too much

tonight there is not enough

to keep my anxiety at bay and such

You’ve not been able to reach out

fear has me crossed beyond the line

Your kitty can only scream and shout

praying everything is okay

it’s been twenty-four hours since I last heard from You

feels so much longer than a day

I miss You so

I can barely manage these last hours

drowning my sorrows is how I choose to go

stupid and jumbled

these words I divulge

make little sense because they are mumbled

what do I care

Your kitty just needs You

Sir I wanted to share

our bottle of tequila

I can’t see the bottom

only want to see you

tequila