self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

Come what may…

When there are no words left to speak the candle’s wick begins to sputter

Sudden darkness fills the air with just the moonlight illuminating through a crack

The only sound to be heard are slow paced rotations of one taking the inhalations of the others exhalations  

Enmeshed they are not but rather 2 souls to compliment, bodies intertwined with hearts of desire to keep both wanting

One grows weary from exhaustion of a worrisome existence

The other wrestling and torn determined to hold up a  firm structured frame 

Fear traps the feet unable to thrust forward

Stuck in their familiar place destination unknown but constantly moving

Unload the baggage that weighs down the progress

Let the natural evolving course of events simply fall into position

Pack up the gloves lay to rest the left over residue of doubt

Be amazed by what is being revealed stand in awe trust what is real

Hold fast to what has been laid at Your feet

Love solely with a pure and gentle heart

 

Receive it and believe it let go and let flow…

 

lskg’s checklist…

Did I give 100% of me?

 

Did I make You feel needed?
Did I make You feel wanted?
Did I make You feel desired?
Did I make You feel like You were the only Man in the world?
Did I praise You often?
Did I affirm You always?
Did I make You feel special?
Did I make You feel proud?
Did I make You feel loved?
Did I make You smile?
Did I make You laugh?
Did I make You happy?
Did I put You first before everyone and everything?
Did I show You the ultimate respect always in all ways?
Did I obey Your every word?
Did I honor Your every decision?
Did I protect Your reputation?
Did I live by Your expectations?
Did I give myself to You completely?
Did I give You total control?
Did I submit to You fully?
Did I portray myself as Your prized possession?
Did I allow You to invade my mind, heart, body and soul?
Did I display myself as a direct reflection upon You?
Did I affirm You in everything you did?
Did I stand in awe of You?
Did I worship You and Your body?
Did I take Your constructive criticism for my betterment?
Did I make mistakes?
Did I take corrections and discipline with grace?
Did I welcome Your trainings?
Did I eagerly await Your instructions?
Did I always ask permission?
Did I listen intently to You?
Did I hear Your words?
Did I follow instructions well?
Did I follow all Your protocols?
Did I respect our rituals?
Did I behave appropriately most all of the time?
Did I live intentionally for You?
Did I follow close behind You?
Did I do everything possible for You?
Did I anticipate Your needs?
Did I excitedly cook for and wait upon You?
Did I take the best care of You?
Did I disclose all to You?
Did I bear my soul to You?
Did I make Your life better?
Did I make life more enriched?
Did I make life easier?
Did I encourage You?
Did I support You and Your ways?
Did I fulfill Your every desire?
Did I participate in every way?
Did I fulfill Your every kink?
Did I satisfy You?
Did I please You?
Did I serve only You?
Did I bare this body to You only?
Did I trust You completely?
 

Do I love you unconditionally?

yes……….

secret thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling
very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days
in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 

positive self talk, “girl…”

 More-Revealed-e1391016372595

trust the unseen

you think that you know

the blinders came off

to expose the awful show

a fool in your own eyes

in your heart a disaster

your mind played tricks

while you tried to run faster

away from the reality

look in the mirror

what do you see

nowhere to hide

this time I chose me

hold tight to your heart

regain your dignity

no regrets or remorse

celebrate your victory

you’ve always had a choice

how quickly you get lost

led down the dark and narrow

possessed and then tossed

out of the ashes beauty remains

you’ve experienced more pain than a lifetime should hold

the healing is coming as you draw Him close to you

always remember you have a heart made of gold

secrets thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 
 

people care and have paid attention…

Living with such intensity

Putting myself out there for all the world to see

Roads paved with mock~able beta men

Passively addressing leaving me to remember when

How I craved the sternness and power under Your control

The subtle consensual exchange as we began to grow

A glance over my shoulder not a single moment of regret

Carefully selected by You made me never to forget

Just sitting there approached from everywhere I turn

My head fully aware that my heart stings from the burn

Dance with this one and from that one accept another drink

Don’t get so close stop touching me please I am on the brink

They all feel so wrong knowing what they are after

I am not for them this feels like a cruel joke but I’ve yet to hear the laughter

Days are fading into night plans we made coming up fast

Distracting myself from disbelief that we were not to last

My thoughts interrupted by an inquisitive friend wanting simply just to know

“where’s your man” the quiet words whispered from my lips “He let me go”

Not knowing what to say he shook his head with charm

followed with an “I’m so sorry” and a gentle caress upon my arm

We had become iconic Daddy and me in our tiny little town

People taking comfort seeing us around

“You always looked so happy” more soothing words they say

“I thought we were” is all I reply “but here we are today”

Stop dwelling my head tells my heart

How can we heal and move on while we remain torn apart

I’ll get there when I’m ready to stop bathing in the sorrow

I know there has to be a joyful and brighter tomorrow

Life keeps on turning with the kindness of others who mean well

Continued reminders of what once was now only time will tell

You always seemingly knew what was for the best

This time a standing ovation putting us to rest

Now the silent promise to Yourself keep a safe distance so not to stumble

Severed and all alone assuring us not to crumble

No one seems to understand the ache I bear within

Desperately wanting to lunge me forward to begin anew once again

As Daddy already declared that time is all that can fill

The broken-hearted emptiness but for now time is standing still

kitty…XO

thoughts are strong, words are powerful…

Critical expressions meant to enrich me for betterment

Yet stand all alone when delivered in judgement…

 Pursuant in romance as the beginning stage fades slowly away

To cherish my gifts renders a promise not to sway…

“You made my heart sing with energy that draws me near

A look so propelling from such a beautiful woman

my words no longer clear

Too special a creature extraordinary by any form

A body by definition sensual and warm

Those eyes incredibly piercing the deepest shade of blue

Intellectual and sexy a lady all the way through

 That smile makes me tingle knowing I put it there

Breathless and provocative a treasure I’ll never share

Flirtatious sometimes teasing relentlessly so

Bringing me to my knees directionless which way to go

Offer up protection safe from any harm

Uplifting comes easy take comfort in my arm”

These simple phrases that keep me by your side

Stimulating strokes of my hair make me willing to abide

Firm strong intentions felt in Your grasp

Evoking confidence to inspire respect that will last

Gifts in kind gestures that may appear to You as trite

Unravel my heart that cries out in sheer delight

A flowering bud blossoms its petals while opening slow

Peaking in warm sunlight just beginning to grow

Soothing words offered intently with subtlety and ease

Bring over time and again my willingness to please

living intentionally…

rejoice…

I am a design made of multiple complexities, minor flaws and major attributes. I don’t come with an instruction manual nor do I possess a large quantity of malfunctioning parts, but I can tell you this; 

life-on-purpose-thin-black-border

revel…

I am lovable beyond belief, irreplaceable to the point of regret, strong in matters of the heart, more loyal than the puppy next door with patience near that of a kitty waiting outside a mouse’s little house, have integrity as the day is long and contain an abundance of love that is never-ending.  

regret…

If suddenly I were a flame that flickered out, destined to become the faint memory that once graced your life, would you gasp in disbelief that my breath is no longer yours to take in, that what is has become what was and everything you ever knew and thought to be has irreversibly changed in an instant for eternity.

remorse…

Panic stricken and riddled with fear, desperately wanting the hands of time to turn back. You clutch for one more chance, a solitary moment, even if only for a second to say those unspoken words, to undo what has been done, to hold tighter to what could have been, to value what always was, to at last understand the meaning of a precious commodity, to create moments that leave memories etched upon your heart over completion of mundane tasks, to have taken the time to discover all the possibilities of what could have been, to know what it feels like to have your spirit remade, to indulge in pure joy and contentment, to receive new mercy with every new-born day, to know what it means to be filled with love, but instead you are now left with how it truly is.

reality…

time stands still as Your heart beats slow

hitting Your knees head sinks low

 guilt rages within eyes overflow 

looking up to the sky sorrow begins to grow

 pain so intense next time You will know…

in Daddy’s absence He assures His little girl…

It’s only temporary

it isn’t permanent

It’s only six weeks

it isn’t forever

It’s only going away

it isn’t leaving you

It’s only sad feelings

it isn’t a fact

It’s only the truth

it isn’t a lie

It’s only this little girl’s heart

is isn’t going to die

XO lg