The tears choked back her words, but she managed to get them out. Through the sorrow and pain from a deep, past hurt, she spoke as if thirty years were just yesterday. I sat in absolute silence as I heard my own sadness spewing from her lips. Reminded me again that I am never alone in this life. Whatever my problems, there are always those who have had some of them too.
With her final thoughts through tear soaked cheeks, she gave a deep sigh and thanked everyone for listening and holding her heart. From across the table, I looked deep into her eyes and gave a genuine soft smile full of compassion that said how much I understood. Her grief prompted what came from me next.
The topic was perfection, one of my least favorite subjects to look at because there is truth revealed. The all-consuming state of being that stole my ability to just be me. It robbed me of a higher self-esteem I once possessed as it birthed the fear that would direct my lack of confidence from that day forward.
Inside, my little (baby girl) was tucked deep away where she felt safe and hidden from the world. Inevitably, big was growing up right along with that fear while perfectionism was consuming her life. The deep voice over her shoulder, the constant procession of his cruel words stymied her from rising up to her potential. How long does a person exert such power over another?
As long as I allow it…
Fast forward to my next thirty years, “Why is fear your default place to go to with me?”, he asked me one day. I could not come up with the answer, but it gave me such great pain and anguish from childhood that I chose to look at that. How can you understand me when I can’t even understand myself, I soon would discover. Fear is the go to familiar hiding place that won’t allow judgement to seep in if I remain quiet. I can be invisible if I don’t go to the finish line where no one will tell me, I could have done better.
That is fucked up…
The ironies of three states of being, contradictions in a sense…
fear + perfection = paralysis
FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
PERFECTION: 1. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. 2.The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.
PARALYSIS: the loss of the ability to move (and sometimes to feel anything) in part or most of the body, typically as a result of illness, poison, or injury.
awareness + acceptance + action
AWARENESS: knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.
ACCEPTANCE: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
ACTION: the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.
I find it amazing, the core of deceptions that have been taking up space rent free for most of my life without my consent. Yet until now, my eyes have been shut to their existence. Through love and concern, honesty and caring, support and encouragement, that fear is beginning to dissipate. In bringing it to light, my protective glasses removed, at last I embrace you, in order to rid myself of your lies and deceit.
Truth is my friend…
Underneath it all is this incredible human being, capable of all things she chooses. She has legs to stand upon, a spine to keep her straight, the ability to conquer what comes before her, confidence and courage that dictates authenticity, a heart that is filled with honor, a soul abound with mercy and grace, and an abundance of love that carries her through everything.
Walk beside me…
The road gets narrow, sometimes the path is long, but keep looking ahead, forever onward uncovering and discovering every blessing along the way.
Truth; the quality or state of being true
I wear my truths on my sleeve. Out of my heart they simply flow. From my lips they depart with ease. The simplicity of this easily, definable word can be astounding to some people. I can never understand why that is.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”. Mark Twain
Bitter; angry, hurt, or resentful because of one’s bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment
There comes a point in life when the stumbling blocks become treacherous to navigate around and discover that maybe it is time to redefine the situation, to see it for what it really is.
“Without our noticing, (it) eats away at our souls, until, one day, we are no longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives”. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Forgiveness; the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven
No longer do I want to judge, condemn and convict the actions of another. The prisoner that it really frees is me.
“If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him”. 2 Corinthians 2:5-8 NIV
Acceptance; the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered
Never do I have to like what I choose to accept, but God has granted me the serenity, courage and wisdom to know the difference of that which I cannot change.
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” CS Lewis