self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

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Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

Mortality, Humanness, Spirituality, Love…

Ray October 2015

This man was 81 years old when he entered my life four years ago. Not because  he asked for my help, but because someone told him he could no longer take care of himself. From that point on, all life’s decisions would be made for him.

I watch the cruelty of your condition rob you of your memory and in your ability to be present for your life. In the beginning it didn’t seem to bother you, to have a constant parade of young ladies come and go. throughout your days. I suppose it would be most men’s dream, but not likely given these circumstances. 

Mostly your days have been filled with laughter, song, dance and stories from long ago. Every meal prepared and served before you. All the domestic chores and shopping handled while you carry on thriving daily in familiar surroundings. You keep us on our toes, learning to not turn our back in case the over-exuberant you surfaces to be extra playful in the moment. Your vulgarity makes us giggle, advance attempts are harmless we’ve learned and in your nature, while your gentility warms our hearts. 

It saddens me more now, your inability to be concise in communicating your ailments which ultimately have become your demise. It took the logical thinker to tell this emotional girl the right thing to do was to take you back to the hospital. This is your third time there now and they tell us it will be your last. The option to take you home to provide you with comfort care through the end of your life is going to be the final big choice made for you in the morning. 

I left you there in capable hands for one more night. As I drove out to make sure your cat was fed and your property ready to receive your return where it will keep you for your final days, the personal sadness washed over me. I’ve learned through sudden tragedy what devastation can bring and also the fragility and value of life, but to be an assistant to God’s divine plan is uncomfortable  in the very least. 

Decisions on your behalf to be made next as we walked through the glass doors to the world outside. So much traffic busting at the seams as the hustle and bustle of last minute shoppers congest every road and I am desperate to make my escape. 

At last I pulled over along the roadside of a massive hill overlooking our pretty little town. There I sat writing these words and watching the sun go down on this day. Its starting to turn colder as the storm begins to move in. I picture you lying in that hospital room, highly sedated, feeling no pain and now sleeping so soundly. I couldn’t help but think how alone you truly are and have been for so long. We have become your family, the only faces you have known, to love and to trust in these last year’s of your earthly walk. My thoughts, they turned to my own life as they often do during times like these, but somehow things feel different for me. Not sorrow for what lies ahead for you my dear friend, but sadness perhaps from the void that erupts when I go inside my head. 

My heart has softened so over the years as clients come and clients go, but none have been quite as entrenched and made such an imprint as this man has. Maybe because I too can relate to that orphan type mindset. Though he presently can’t comprehend the difference of his current state of being, his heart it does understand. 

I feel blessed having the honor to be an intricate piece and make even the smallest differences in your life. Tonight I asked God to please reveal to me the lesson and message He is showing me through this experience. Because all I feel as I look to the valley below, is alone, empty and blue. I never thought I’d be one of the many who can’t feel the merriment and joy that this holiday season typically brings. The cause is more than this immediate situation. Feelings stirred up from the residue left over

by the past and the fear that is induced through uncertainty.

The prayer is redundant, but God is unfailing, “Lord please fill me full with Your love and lead me down the path You have chosen especially for me. You’ve walked beside me over the mountains and pulled me up from the valleys below. Through You I am strengthened without I am weak. Remind me who I am in You, fearfully and wonderfully made. Amen”

Tomorrow we bring you back to the place you call home. Where you will live out the rest of your days until you lay down for your final rest to be with The Lord. I pray for your transformation of new comfort, exclusion of pain and wholeness you will one day know again.

Good night and God bless You always…

He already knew and has forgiven you…

on his knees he began to pray, undo my heart,

I surrender my soul for only You can make me whole

Lord, Your plan is in Order, my free will running wild, temptations of the flesh feeling every stinging repercussion, Yours is not to prevent, but to protect when I cry out, as You wait by my side on this wondrous sometimes treacherous ride~

…but in the end there was nothing left to salvage as the covers were pulled back, the light shined down, more truth painfully revealed, a horrific course of action severely induced, fear injected not easily to recover from, condemned by irreversible damage, the power freely given, inevitably destroyed the trust…

yet somehow, in the depths of her despair, within the throes of hopelessness

she still prays…

“Father God, in his heart he leaves not an ounce of space for You to breathe into him. For in his eyes he cannot see beyond his own plank. In his soul the amount of self righteousness pushes the holy spirit away. Lord I pray Your healing powers over him, Your presence revealed, Your faithfulness undying, Your promises he can stand high upon, Your unfailing love, no matter the cost, no matter the wounds, no matter the battle, no matter the scars, the damage, or sin, You are constant. He knows not how to cry out and reach for Your hand, that You are waiting patiently for his cooperation. Father, pay no mind to his fleeting ways, the discomfort of a nonbeliever, for he lacks in faith for the Holy One. Edging God Out (EGO) blinds him Lord, because without You, he will stay lost. I pray these things unto You oh Lord in the name of Your son, Amen.”

Acts 3:19 “Repent then and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out,

that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” 

positive self talk, “girl…”

 More-Revealed-e1391016372595

trust the unseen

you think that you know

the blinders came off

to expose the awful show

a fool in your own eyes

in your heart a disaster

your mind played tricks

while you tried to run faster

away from the reality

look in the mirror

what do you see

nowhere to hide

this time I chose me

hold tight to your heart

regain your dignity

no regrets or remorse

celebrate your victory

you’ve always had a choice

how quickly you get lost

led down the dark and narrow

possessed and then tossed

out of the ashes beauty remains

you’ve experienced more pain than a lifetime should hold

the healing is coming as you draw Him close to you

always remember you have a heart made of gold

about a girl…

who once had a heart of glass

she offered it so freely

emptied it out then filled it up

gently worn but not without class

forever giving it away

since she was a little child

first to her daddy

then any man that would stay

she never knew why

she chased the uncatchable

near starved for affection

her heart bled till it was dry

unbeknownst to her deepest desire

the bottomless craving this girl did possess

she gave of herself

the most precious gift to acquire

You need not work hard for it to obtain

the very core of her being

every ounce of her flesh

though her beauty did remain

the song abound in her ear

give all of yourself

never stop chasing that rainbow

her message perfectly clear

why must the anguish be bestowed upon me

will the lessons never be grasped

destined to repeat them

her struggle to be free

where now does she turn

every corner a stumbling block

waiting for her footing to slip

yet another teacher from which to learn

this time the value is high

the potential loss feels like desertion

when the truth of the matter is

it was merely this heart telling her a lie

 

the newest me…

How did I get so far behind

Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out

Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line

Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside

I have baggage left to unload

Willing to work at it and no longer hide

Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove

Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars

After all they once cut through so much left to prove

I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward

The process is on a continuum basis  

and I am forever moving onward

There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand

If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave

for all that once troubled me surely would be gone

Since time has the only healing power

The virtue of prosperity patience and love  

I must seek from my strong tower

I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws

I wasn’t created as such  

Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause

 Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire 

To always give and receive love

Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar

Seek contentment happiness and joy 

Carry it with me let it spill over 

These are the things I can employ

 I know today that I am easy to love 

My barriers are down this heart is receptive

I am being restored from the heavens above

The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace

Memories of old formed my character to be

I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face 

Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul

What you will see if you truly seek to find  

a sparkling new me beginning to glow

my life, my world, my choice, my love, my happiness…

there are many layers to this little girl

depths upon depths to her caring soul

capacities to reach, a purpose to fill

all in all sharing love is her ultimate goal

If it’s on my heart, it is going to find its way to my head, pass through a filter and exit through my soft-spoken lips in the form of gentle words. My truth, my fears, my feelings, my soul, raw, naked and revealed.

I ran into a dear old friend today. Our paths haven’t crossed in months. Albeit, I take full responsibility for this as my life has been evolving and taking on new directions, but it was abundantly clear (pointed out to me) that my lack of presence has been acutely noticed and severely missed. “Where have you been?!” were the first exclamatory words tossed my way. A smile emerging from the turned up corners of my mouth. “Oh, you know how life can be, always in session. (giggling to myself at the meaning of that word) It can be incredibly busy as it heads off down several avenues, sparkling with a new adventure around each corner “. An evil yet warm grin came back to me, “Yes well, you are not allowed to just disappear on me. I need you!”  (((hugs))) We are suchgirls2!

A divine appointment? Indeed. We began to bring each other up to speed on what has transpired in her life and the transitions occurring in my own. In the brief period of time we had, we managed to cover a lot of territory and still had air left in our lungs. A bite to eat, shopping and girl talk was exactly what the Good Lord ordered.  As we walked along the sidewalk, another gal pal of ours crossed our paths. It was as if the universe had laid a golden path of estrogen to replenish us and tie our souls together once again.  I simply looked up, smiled with grace, peace and love in my heart while giving praise to the One Who planned this.

It is abundantly clear in these times that my spiritual plane is defined and directed. A greater understanding of what my purpose is. My course is set and I am on track. I am His little girl beautifully and wonderfully made. My Daddy Sir creating me as His own while His lady continues to blossom and unfold before His very eyes.

I am needed, I am missed

I am loved, I do matter, I do exist

I need not fear

for I am loved the message is clear   

My heart overflowing  with love I never knew I could spare

but rather mass-produced with plenty to share…  

A chance encounter? No, a divine appointment…

As a lotus is able to emerge from muddy waters un-spoilt and pure it is considered to represent a wise and spiritually enlightened quality in a person; it is representative of somebody who carries out their tasks with little concern for any reward 

Red lotus; this is related to the heart, and the Lotus flower meaning is associated with that of love and compassion.

red lotus

God, what is it You want me to see in this moment of Your plan? How else would You have me view it? You promised me that if You brought me to it, only You will get me through it. I hold onto Your word and have never been let down, so why would I question You now?

A hedge of protection sealed my heart like a newborn baby swaddled in a blanket. Your warmth and comfort all around me as I drove up next to his truck. I hesitated not a moment, obedient to Your direction. THIS is who You have transformed me to be today. Feeling safe and secure I exited the car, walking to the entrance, my head held high, my heart You did soften, my edges so smooth. From the other side of the pain I have been weathering, I once again could see through the eyes of my heart. Praying to let my words be few, my voice soft and gentle as I walked in the door.

He stood there at the soda machine, filling his club soda, his gaze out the window he took a small sip. Reaching up I gently rubbed his back, he turned to see who as a smile formed on my lips, a soft and gentle hello emerged from my soul. Peace washed over me in that instant and I knew it was the right thing to do. 

Surprised by my sudden appearance, he reached out to give me a warm embrace. I don’t think he expected to find us in this position ever again. A little small talk to break the ice of this slightly awkward, but strangely comfortable meeting. An exchange of pleasantries, followed by a confused look that would accompany his honest statement. The assumption was that he too would be banished as I had done with my ex~husband many years before. The softened smile remained on my lips as I conveyed to him, that is not who I am today.

The truth of the matter is, I have a healing and forgiving heart now. That is a blessing that God has bestowed upon me. I do have that same compassion and kindness for the ex~husband as well. The difference is that man isn’t able to receive it for his own personal struggles.

I had to decline the offering to join him. Not that I didn’t welcome the idea, but God set the time limit as I had to pick up the baby from daycare in a few minutes. Confusion seemed to continue to wash over his face. Maybe it was more amazement of this lady standing before him with the ability to be in his presence with grace. Whatever it meant for him, it showed me just how far I have come in my faith and believe my life is divinely laid out.  

As the brief conversation carried on, a few matters of importance were revealed to me and I hope some were for him as well. Was it too soon for this encounter? How could it be when God’s timing is perfectly in order. I am still very raw and emotionally attached. Perhaps deep down wanting to engage in a dialog, which I opted to reveal, I trust in the process that is ultimately bringing forth my healing. Being aware of the slippery slopes we are both capable of sliding down is half the battle. Neither of us electing to repeat a pattern of old. 

Another warm embrace while savouring the simplicity yet somehow depths, of the words we shared, gave a sense of ease as I walked towards the door. Climbing back into the car, I gave a glimpse up to the truck that was carting the new motorcycle. For an instance I felt a twinge of sorrow knowing I was no longer a part of him. However, at that same moment I thought, was I really ever? 

Driving down the road about a quarter of a mile, my dampened cheek reminded me, this is where we are now. His words rung in my ears, “it has to be all or nothing…” Not sure exactly what to make of that other than, I felt robbed by what he meant because I was never given that opportunity. The choice was never mine to make, but instead the decision was made for me. All I knew right then and there was, I love this man and I always will…

Once more I looked up and asked my Father,

“what is it You want me to see in all of this…?”

i-will-follow-you-everywhere

“Wait and trust. When the time is right, you will know, more will be revealed…”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. 

 

a change in direction is in order…

I once was lost, but now I’m found…

chains

When might I ever find my place in this world? I am not all that unlike most of you out there. Just a constant attempt at being the very best me I am capable of. I no longer seek perfection and will run the opposite direction if that is what you are expecting of me today. I embrace the girl inside and the lady I have become…

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

…but do I believe this self talk? I have no reason to lie, convince or even berate myself for that matter. There are questions I have pondered as I have spent the better part of these past few weeks meandering through memories. What is it I want to accomplish in my life? Where do I envision me when I look at those goals? I saw how on some days, I walked gracefully through my struggles having been granted God’s mercy and favor. Yet on others, I stumbled and even fell while getting right back up again. There is not a bitter taste on my tongue, nor an ill wish in my heart.   

Upon reading some new blogs in the community as well as those I have been following, I decided to clean house. The removal process was cleansing because some no longer serve a purpose and frankly disturb me now. During this undertaking, I was prone to look at the rollercoaster of events over the course of my own writings. The realizations I encountered hit me like an anvil. I understand no one wants that type of rude awakening, but sometimes it is exactly what I need. The bottom line is, I may not be as fucked up as I once was, but I surely have some serious deep weeding to do if I am ever going to pull up those roots.

This is in no way a kick my own ass, reprimanding sort of self-deprecation by any means. A mere honest observation as I continue to seek out the real me that has not yet come to fruition. Today was one of those sort of days to sit and wonder where life might be taking me next. Nothing more, nothing less. 

moving on

As I skimmed through my memories, there were some I was a little surprised by, while others made me smile as they took me back. I thought to myself, kitty, this has certainly been an interesting chapter. Full of new discoveries, adventures, and multiple (all this word implies) blessings, none of which I would change or trade. I looked at it through the eyes of my heart. Wouldn’t you know it, all I found there was joy and love, even through the trials I found victories. During times of confusion or anguish, I sought through prayer for deliverance that brought me to clarity. 

 

womans heart

My story may be written, but it is up to me to follow His direction, His light, His lead  I choose to stay the course and keep on keepin on…

it only takes a few words…

best friend

The sun came up after a rare, peaceful night’s sleep. Exhausted from traveling, yet somehow more filled up. Then a simple gesture comes through, one little touch, my best friend reaches out into my heart she did creep;

“I’m thinking about you today.

I wish I could do something to help, but only time will.” 

A tear springs to my eye reminding me to feel.

Why am I struggling so? God help me heal!

I have come so far from the place I once clung to. By now I would have sought out in another to numb and distract me until time moved me on and I could start anew.

God has shown me the ways to care about me, not rely on the world to cover my wounds, but to look up and find refuge in all that I see.

These days remind me still that I am the same girl, wanting love and protection the need to be filled.

For a brief period of time in the grand scheme of things, I was blessed to have had a glimpse of what it might bring. 

His actions on my mind how they still ring out, like a song to my heart, console and bring comfort his words they do shout;

“It’s handled kitty…”

loved kitty

Those three simple words I came to trust and depend on, in essence when spoken from his lips, never let me down.

Having been starved for love since being a little girl, the craving for more brought me to a place I thought I’d never feel.

It surely felt like God’s hands were right in there, delivering His blessing through the flesh of a savior.

Choices I have made I can finally see, the rungs on the ladder got out of order because of me.

“I didn’t ask you to put me there.”

Ladder-to-heaven

“I did that all on my own.”

It has taken this time for clarity to erase some of the confusion that had fogged my vision and took me to a horizontal position.

Sometimes I think I see God’s plan, His vision and design, at least a small portion of what He has in mind.

I am so grateful you graced my life and entered my heart, not a note of regret nor an ounce of remorse, only fond memories play a part. 

memory