You didn’t bring me coffee
Was the day you set me free
So easy just to quit
Never to commit
The love I felt inside
Nowhere did reside
Within your heart somewhere
Left me in despair
High measures I didn’t meet
Often You would repeat
A threat to my wounded flesh
Now everything’s a mess
Were you good to me
In wonder I begin to see
Beyond the tears and sorrow
There has to be a better tomorrow
Placed out on the street
In my box left to meet
my fate destined to end this way
No promises of another day
Whoreish nightmares abound
Treacherous realities found
Your meanings I couldn’t hear
With codes vaguely clear
Trickery so masterful controlled
Failure in your eyes once again to be told
You’ve left me feeling numb
With nothing more than a crumb
A desire to succeed
Was all I needed to proceed
Heart reject this pain
Flow of love to remain
Torment please be over
Peace hurry come cover
Bring comfort and rest
Find safety in my best
My life though uncertain
Has drawn another curtain
Transparency to reveal
Warm my flesh so I may feel
Unfold my purpose and grand design
There has to be more than a simple choice to resign
In the shadows of You
confused and untrue
Back to myself I did come
Standing at a loss now wanting to run
How long before this comes to an end
No more struggles left to mend
My sincerest honest show
Still you let me go…
If I accomplish but one thing in life and that is that I was able to show, give and receive the love in my heart, then my purpose has been filled. Maybe that is 3 things, but they all go hand in hand.
When I began this blog, it was at the encouragement and urging of my then, “Captain” of my life. I had no idea what I wanted to do or make this look like. As I peruse back over my posts, I see the changes and growth in this relationship, but mostly in me. It has not been smooth sailing, but like Grampa always told and showed me, anything worth having is worth working for.
I have never been one to sit still very long or camp out and stay with one mainstreamed theme as I have proven within my writings. I write for me and if something appeals to another soul, all the more encouraging for part of my purpose. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Never have I thought in terms of being like the proverbial iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a piece of what exists within this girl. I have been reminded often of not being direct and in need of a translator for my thoughts. I understand my heart pretty well, but conveying what is on it to another can present a challenge at times. As I write these words I again display a classic rendition of which I speak. Jumbled deliverances bouncing around seeking clarity, yet leaving the reader to decipher just what in the world this girl is saying.
I very rarely get sick, but yesterday I suffered a bout of something foreign within that forced me to be as still as possible. By late evening it seemed to be dissipating. However, after behaving in a wretched manner, I began to dislike my own company. I cracked open a book that I have intended on reading for some time now. As I began to devour this powerful read, revelations of myself were seeping in, strengthening me to my core. I shared snippets of my findings just to have them fall on deaf ears or so it seemed. Offended and hurt, I became relentless with my continued behavior, further rendering myself a nuisance.
Upon awakening this morning, not only was the bug that strapped me down gone, my attitude was brighter. I forgave myself for acting poorly and chalked it up to feeling my aloneness and in need of soothing comfort during an uncomfortable time. No longer do I want to be at the mercy of someone else’s approval.
The realization of where my focus has been and the ways in which it is illusive can misdirect me, but are becoming more apparent. There are so many things, including people, that desire my attention. It is evident that life does give me what I attract with my thoughts. Believing then that I will bring close to me what my energy displays. The verdict is in, everyone along my journey truly is a teacher in my life. I firmly embrace that.
Recently a friend took some pictures of me just for fun and posted one on social media. I in turn used one for my profile picture and the response, though not the intention or motive, was astounding. A simple drama free act, lead to more than I could have imagined. Typically I am not welcoming of such attention, but the outpour I received was somehow what I was in need of without knowing it. This particular site isn’t a place I frequently choose to visit, but suddenly I was being filled up in ways I hadn’t connected that were deficient. Shortly after what was innocent fun in the moment, God was sending messages through His vessels with His Divine appointments. Private messages were coming in with words of support and encouragement, reminding me how much my existence does matter to this world. Somehow I had lost track of that.
Evolving is a slow process of changing over a period of time. During these changes I have been experiencing some severe growing pains as I weather some treacherous storms, but landing on my feet is what this kitty has always managed to do. There have been times of celebration for triumphs and successes that hold my attention more. Press on big girl, there is more of life to experience, more love to give, show and receive…
a little girl’s fantasy…
that someday her prince will come…
real life happens, we say yes, take vows and then…
we discover our true selves…
how love can grow from the midst of past sorrow…
prospering joy in the present with hope for tomorrow…
the work in front of me is solely in my hand
though exciting and difficult will take me where I need to stand
this layer has been peeled slow and savagely
excruciating at times uncovering secret portions of me
embedded deep down waiting to arrive
lost for so long just trying to survive
how did she compact herself that deeply in her soul
How often I have heard this, expression I guess it would be called, and used to think what does that really mean. It caused me pause and many moments of contemplated thoughts. It seems like a fairly short and simple statement to grasp. However, one would need to be willing to change in order to understand and appreciate the value in these words.
Long ago when my life was a living hell, full of chaos and uncertainty, my attitude was all about change. If only he would adjust to my ways, life would work better. Why can’t she see my point of view and do things better. I expected the world around me to make all the sacrifices so I would be more comfortable. How well that worked out for me.
It all came down to choices I soon came to find out. You mean I can choose to live this way or that? These weren’t the lessons I was taught. I observed and learned from my first teacher to accept everything as it was. Changing things was not an option, enduring them was the only choice. What a grand way to start a life with these amazing broken tools.
Off into the small world I grew up in, I learned to isolate early on. It was safer to stay inside my four walls of comfort where no one could reach me. I needed be invisible so I could remain the same. The only thing changing was the natural process of me growing up, while my insides became more confused.
The small town I grew up in wasn’t very different from when I was a young girl to the time I graduated high school. I was content but as much as I thought I wanted to break out, I was afraid to leave. One day my best friend and I thought that a change would do us good. So we took a leap, packed our things and moved 50 miles away to the closest city. One with a shopping mall, fast food on every corner and a freeway.
Feeling quite mature and somewhat more free, we discovered there was more to life than working at a fast food chain, cruising the loop of our tiny little town on the weekends, sunbathing at our favorite swimming hole and hanging out with the guys because there was nothing better to do. Content yet bored, there had to be something better than this.
We both found new adventures waiting for us as we parted ways geographically, but remained best friends even still. That would never change. Both of us got married within a few short years, one month apart. Added together we had five sons between us. While she stayed happily married and in the same home with her wonderful, little flourishing family, I was in a constant state of change. Oh the roller coaster this man took me on. What other choice did I have? I was stuck.
By the time we made a circle in all the different small cities over a period of six years, I found myself right back where it all began. The familiar smell of the pine trees, clean air, majestic mountains and now two stop lights, I was back home. A place I never wanted to return. Happiness was this place in my rearview mirror, for a brief moment in time.
Come to find out later, all this moving around was merely us running from ourselves, me escaping me, but everywhere we went, there we were, he was and I was dying inside. Back in my what once was my safe haven, I began to hide out once again. This is my life. Deal with it, and that I did. Miserable and breaking, angry and unsatisfied, I found ways to survive.
My sons became my only source for joy and a means to escape from the turmoil residing within. My focus completely on them while I waited for their dad to change so I might feel anything other than hopeless. obsessed with his comings and goings, the frequencies were happening more often now. His drinking consumed him and I was losing myself as I sunk deeper into the darkness of despair.
My best friend’s home was my only means of refuge, but it was now two and almost a half hours away. That required a skillful way of scraping enough gas money together to load up my three joys and run away, at least for a weekend. The ease I felt just being there. In the presence of what I could only imagine normal might look like. The tension I carried seldom allowed me to relax. The five little boys with all their energy, exhausted me, but my frustrations and tears were understood here.
Dread set in every mile I drove to return to that place I now called home again. What other choice did I have? I felt trapped, unloved by this man I chose to marry. After all, if he truly did love me, he would change. The play was a continuance of my childhood just with different actors now. I was destined for this life that contained people who were consumed by the drink.
A martyr was born. She was always in there, but now she had blossomed and played her role well. Forced to come out of the background when my oldest son started school, I actually made a few friends. How refreshing and at the same time, foreign to be in the company of some positive energy. Soon I couldn’t get enough and found ways to be around it more.
I wanted to be like these seemingly happy people, so I soaked up what I could and held on tight. Not knowing what or how it happened, but I felt a little spark inside that shifted something. I think it was the possibility of thriving instead of surviving. Maybe there is a way. For the first time, I began to hope.
Six homes, a one year separation, multiple disappointments, constant let downs, agony, defeat, his DUI and arrest, a brief period of homelessness, fearful and hopeless, many years later, ten to be exact, I came to a crossroad. I realized it had been me all along that needed to make a change if I wanted anything to actually be different. I chose life, but what did that look like?
I had only ever known misery and it was a demented, familiar comfort. I was petrified as I walked in the door. A room full of strangers in a make shift church, but in a strange way I felt at rest. “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control and you will never cure it.” I was hooked and relieved. Those three little “C’s” gave me the freedom I had longed for my entire life. Those that were consumed by their addictions weren’t going to change unless they wanted to. I was soon going to find out that no matter what I did, I was just not that powerful.
As long as I continue to do what I have always done,
I will continue to get what I have always gotten
Nothing changes if nothing changes…
be accountable, take responsibility of one’s own life, achieve emotional maturity…
I will be the first one to admit my part in the demise of my 18 year, broken marriage some 6 years ago. After all, even I played a 5% role in the spiral down. The only way I was able to find relief from the burden of guilt, was to accept that I had even a small part. Here is where I get to share that my ex-husband’s contribution was found at the bottom of any bottle. This is not to evoke a round of “aww’s”, just merely painting the picture for a clearer understanding. The infamous, “blame and shame game” is over.
I have worked through many years of self discovery to find a more complete, healthier me just waiting to be revealed. I thought I would never know the girl who was waiting inside to come out. I spent so many years fighting against everything I grew up watching, especially the learned behavior that was inflicted upon me. It had such negative affects on me that I acted as a bitter feminist on the outside, while the feminine young lady was screaming to get out.
Everything in my life was spinning out of control. My only device and illusion, was a meager attempt to control my own environment. This is “my part” of which I mentioned. I challenged the father of my children on every turn. I had no respect for him as a man, nor did I have confidence in his role as leader. The results for this already beta male, was to step back (and down) surrender to the idea of his wife, the mom, to take charge. It disgusts me now to think of it, but it was what it was. The lessons far outweigh the regrets for I am a better woman having walked through them.
Fast forward to today…I can now see the maturity and confidence I have gained from my life experiences. The facade of that feminist, thankfully died as I came into my true self by surrendering that old stinkin’ thinkin’. It no longer serves a purpose in my life.
Lately, as Captain and I interact, I have been taking stock in my inner feelings. I realized that when he speaks in his stern, directive way, I make an honest attempt to listen intently. Though sometimes it needs repeating (oh how he despises that). I know that when I ask for him to restate his words, it is a huge trigger from his past. (not being heard or listened to) I would never consider challenging him. Don’t get me wrong, I have not turned into a mindless drone, I simply know that while I have a voice, his word is final.
All of these ramblings I put out here are instrumental in my positive, mental health. The unveiling of my personal struggles along with my successes, help me to see my own progress. The only options for me today are, I get to glance back without staring, but I must move forever forward. My journey thus far does not define me, however it has built my character. I am a blessed lady~thank you God!