a burden or a little girl in training…

the best one to bear…

It occurred to this little girl today, after a much deserved, constructive conversation with her Daddy, that a portion of her self discovery was uncovered this morning when she felt how much she dislikes being a burden upon another, especially her DD. As this girl sits reflecting upon the events of the morning that led to this difficult reprimand of words, she is realizing how deep these feelings for lack of trust run for her. 

This girl can sit on her pity pot and blame the arrogant, unavailable step father who made her to feel as a child that she was always in the way. That her existence didn’t matter and even less, her feelings, words, worries or concerns along with any successes, triumphs or victories she accomplished. She could, but what good could come of feeling sorry for herself? It is no wonder that when this little girl who is residing within, whom her Daddy Dom nurtures and embraces, can become irritated and perplexed with this little girl’s certain behaviors?

We are a work in progress in our semi-newly, reestablished dynamic that once upon a time was strictly D/s without “sub”titles. When these instances arise as “issues”, this little girl can become frightened as she once did long ago, that her Daddy will shun her as well. This girl is starting to learn that her Daddy is safe and not to be feared as the evil stepfather was. Daddy truly cares about His little girl and wants to understand her and the why’s for this and that, but the answers don’t come by Him easily, nor do they for this little girl. Confusion can cloud her bad decisions in these crucial moments where the big girl needs to be more present. This can be the most challenging of times. 

Communication is of the utmost importance to Daddy as well it ought to be, for without proper practice and utilization of these imperative skills, He is left with frustration. The results also lead this girl to severe consequences that can be very difficult to receive. Worse than any punishment is Daddy’s being quiet while He processes things which ultimately puts this little girl in a lengthy time out. 

There are so very many parts to living a D/s lifestyle, no matter the “sub”titles within, little girls must contend with so very much, but our Daddy’s have quite the burdens and responsibilities to carry. It is this little girl’s desire to pay closer attention to His and to stop contributing to them, but instead to alleviate the ones she can while refraining from unjustifiably creating new ones. 

This post has become somewhat of a declaration and promise to my Daddy. This little girl will work harder on her communication skills by fearing less, trusting more and understanding that her Daddy is her safety zone. He is the One who lifts her up to be the best girl she can possibly be because He believes in her!

                       Thank You my glorious wonderful Daddy… XO

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who is she now…

So true
On this quest to live her life
not necessarily an easy task nor free of strife
She’s always been this struggling being desperately trying to break free
not wanting to unveil her broken parts for anyone to see
Foiled her plan has been since He’s pulled back her covers
leaving her naked and vulnerable the truth it now hovers
There she lies exposed somewhat afraid yet relieved to show
her glorious wonders underneath it all as she begins to glow
Denying her relentlessly reduced to agonizing tears
a steady flow soaks her now stored for a lifetime after all these years
Who is this girl so emotional and bursting with love
she is unsure as His arms wrap around her
soothing hands stroking gently from above
Quiet whispering she feels upon her ear
go ahead and cry baby girl I’m right here
Let it all come out there’s so much bottled up inside
once for secret keeping but now where will she hide
You are safe He says in a deep gentle voice
holding her tighter trusting His words the little girl has no other choice
She has before relinquished absolute control but never in this way
her mind goes empty completely in the moment trusting Him more today
takenlilslut:</p><br /><br />
<p>truth.</p><br /><br />
<p>Doms….. We must never forget the amazing gift
Slowly she escapes as one more demon is burned
her inner power stronger as He takes away her fears another lesson learned
No more thinking continue to dissolve from where she got her start
this is where she is now training her to become who she truly is
while healing her broken heart
Toss away the droves of unclaimed tattered masks worn
revealing beautiful eyes a soft sweet smile that once was shattered and torn
Wanting to be the lady her body has grown into
whole loving and with desire
at last she is shining through each day another wound healed
stepping away from the fire
He has discovered a sensual instrument of power pleasure and pain
taking her to a heightened place diluting insecurities
like the sky brings the rain
Wash her clean she is deserving of His comfort and love leaving her fresh
devour her as He so chooses while she lets go of her flesh
The battle rages less inner conflicts dissipate bringing her out to shine
doubt of her capabilities begin to elude her mind
Big deeper breaths understanding how to merely be
once a daunting place quiet when necessary
her voice encouraged setting her doubts free
Through a new pair of enlightened eyes
she’s able to see instead of illusion but reality that doesn’t hold a disguise
While baby still wants to play in fairy tale town
her big girl stands by with their life preserve not letting her drown
Learning to get along acknowledging that they both indeed exist
honoring their own needs to be filled stop trying to resist
Equal time neither needs to receive
only if the moment is right for both but never to deceive
The sighs are a constant relief to have this brought into the light
thanking Him for deeply understanding His patience and training
while they practice to get things right
Awareness it does grow as acceptance creeps in
so grateful knowing this is real
collar the body of the woman but embrace the playful baby within
So true

my wish on this Mother’s Day…

memories of harsh words I regret are here once more

as I packed all my things and slammed the door

already fragile barely speaking to one another

completely destroyed us not hearing each other

devastated by your drinking I was merely a teen

why couldn’t you choose me instead of being stuck in between

it was this time of year Mother’s Day Weekend

you came home for three days but I wouldn’t bend

I was left on my own to figure things out

“what the fuck is wrong with you” were the cruel words I’d shout

how could I have known the plan for your life

only five years you had left and we lived them in strife

we had mended some though it was never quite the same

a constant battle of frustration guilt and even shame

the morning I got the call “your mom has just died”

I could’ve laid down right beside you as I sunk to the floor and cried

it had to be a bad dream this lady whom I was just getting to know

in all of her misery and struggles her love for me continued to grow

I knew your best was all you could give

because of you I was learning to live

it has been an amazing road with three sons of my own

on this day alone for the first time since they are pretty well grown

with lives they have all created we share a bond unique and true

built on the love you once offered that still carries me through

I think of you often mom you are implanted in my heart

how blessed I am that you gave me my beautiful glorious start

mom I always loved you I really need you to know

I cherish every memory when I think of you I glow

If only I had one more chance  just to say

would you hold me in your arms and take this pain away

I miss you more than ever your daughter with an empty space

letting your spirit go so I can get to a better place

I think you’d be proud of the lady I’ve grown to be

over bumps detours and struggles the rocky road I am set free

our small town’s huge celebration is forming in the warm sun

the beating of the drums fire trucks floats horses the rodeo such fun

more difficult to hold than the day you went to heaven

even when you were born

my heart on this day is still completely torn 

untying my guilt I have carried for so long as I listen to the sound

a new chapter in my life my feet firmly on the ground

uncomfortable in my aloneness deeply wanting to share in this day

with the Man that I love is all that I can say

to set the new tone for this time of year

toasting your life and lift you up by celebrating in cheer

 

 

 

fear is just a lie…

The tears choked back her words, but she managed to get them out. Through the sorrow and pain from a deep, past hurt, she spoke as if thirty years were just yesterday. I sat in absolute silence as I heard my own sadness spewing from her lips. Reminded me again that I am never alone in this life. Whatever my problems, there are always those who have had some of them too.

With her final thoughts through tear soaked cheeks, she gave a deep sigh and thanked everyone for listening and holding her heart. From across the table, I looked deep into her eyes and gave a genuine soft smile full of compassion that said how much I understood. Her grief prompted what came from me next.

The topic was perfection, one of my least favorite subjects to look at because there is truth revealed. The all-consuming state of being that stole my ability to just be me. It robbed me of a higher self-esteem I once possessed as it birthed the fear that would direct my lack of confidence from that day forward.

Inside, my little (baby girl) was tucked deep away where she felt safe and hidden from the world. Inevitably, big was growing up right along with that fear while perfectionism was consuming her life. The deep voice over her shoulder, the constant procession of his cruel words stymied her from rising up to her potential. How long does a person exert such power over another?

As long as I allow it…

Fast forward to my next thirty years, “Why is fear your default place to go to with me?”, he asked me one day. I could not come up with the answer, but it gave me such great pain and anguish from childhood that I chose to look at that. How can you understand me when I can’t even understand myself, I soon would discover. Fear is the go to familiar hiding place that won’t allow judgement to seep in if I remain quiet. I can be invisible if I don’t go to the finish line where no one will tell me, I could have done better.

That is fucked up…

The ironies of three states of being, contradictions in a sense…

fear + perfection = paralysis

FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

PERFECTION: 1. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. 2.The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.

PARALYSIS: the loss of the ability to move (and sometimes to feel anything) in part or most of the body, typically as a result of illness, poison, or injury.

awareness + acceptance + action

AWARENESS: knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.

ACCEPTANCE: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

ACTION: the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

 

Construction underway…

I find it amazing, the core of deceptions that have been taking up space rent free for most of my life without my consent. Yet until now, my eyes have been shut to their existence. Through love and concern, honesty and caring, support and encouragement, that fear is beginning to dissipate. In bringing it to light, my protective glasses removed, at last I embrace you, in order to rid myself of your lies and deceit.

Truth is my friend…

Underneath it all is this incredible human being, capable of all things she chooses. She has legs to stand upon, a spine to keep her straight, the ability to conquer what comes before her, confidence and courage that dictates authenticity, a heart that is filled with honor, a soul abound with mercy and grace, and an abundance of love that carries her through everything.

Walk  beside me…

The road gets narrow, sometimes the path is long, but keep looking ahead, forever onward uncovering and discovering every blessing along the way.

Going through the motions…

Help me Lord

Something has changed and I think it is me

I am not the girl I used to be

once timid and shy

lacking confidence and esteem always afraid to try

invisible I became in a shell I hid inside

the safest place I chose to reside

never feeling a sense of belonging I tried to break free

all I ever wanted was just to be me

choices were a luxury escaping from my life

settling on the things that came no matter what the strife

any power I may have owned was taken without a fight

further disappearing into the darken night

soon to discover it wasn’t others who took my heart

it was my own undoing I gave it freely only to be torn apart

starving for that special affection taking any morsel offered

I’d find myself once again heading in the wrong direction

I gave the desperate need to fill this empty hole

looking back it is becoming clear who broke this wounded soul

a little girl without her daddy simply wanting his protection

couldn’t stand alone again feeling the cutting rejection

losing mom felt the same once more

only this time I would slam the door

with my heart completely shredded how could I believe

that I would ever be worthy of love so deserving to receive

I have grown in strength looking to heaven above

from my Heavenly Father I am filled with love

He has never left abandoned or forsaken

it was I who never leaned on Him until my world was taken

today I pray God please heal the little girl bind up her gaping wound

she never asked for anything more than to feel love please bring it to her soon

as the inside work is being done moved and shifted around

I feel the torment of uncomfortable feelings that God is tearing down

He is lifting me high assuring me now

I will be alright He promises He is showing me how

be patient with Me child is all that I ask

you do the work while I perform the task

through all the emotions the vast array of feelings

the road seems endless to get to the healing

in my life I want peace though daunting and bleak

to be unshackled from my past is all that I seek…

healing grace

When the Captain speaks…listen and learn!

A capable, smart, can do lady, always has room for improvement and accepts every moment as teachable. Today I allowed old messages to take over my current, present moment of actually living in my otherwise pretty serene life. The results, cowering down and ignoring my own responsibilities that the Captain clearly does not want to handle fully, nor should he. There’s input and assisting to a level of comfort on his part and then there is resentment building with a thought bubble hanging overhead stating, “what the fuck am I doing this for her when she needs to do it for herself”.

As I reflect back over this tiresome day, I realize with disgust that deep down, unbeknownst to me, maybe this was a form of a shit test. Yes, I said a form. I firmly believe that the starving little girl, who resides deep down inside of me, still awakens to stir things up looking for that needed attention. Some of the less fortunate sufferers out there haven’t a clue of which I speak, so I would be happy to enlighten you by sharing now and then on the topic of “inner child”. They exist in all of us and if not properly cared for back in childhood days, the childlike behavior emerges at the most inopportune moments. That is what happened to me today.

I felt it coming, the gradual build up over the last few weeks. Then it hit me, hard. Repressed, old shitty feelings of inadequacy. Ha, lies all lies, but man did they feel real! Thank the Lord that the Captain has awareness of inner child crap and is a willing participant who understands, listens, then disciplines and redirects me.

After a brief, but deep conversation of expectations and control crap, we both came away feeling heard and calm. The power of communication, validating that I too have a welcomed voice is so refreshing. I gave him the absolute respect he fully deserves, while in return he gave me adoration for my abilities to be a better lady in his eyes as well as my own. After all, in the end what the hell else really matters? Well, the way he grabbed me and kissed me hard then pushed me away was a great indicator that we really are okay as long as we bring it to the table every time.