The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found.
A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home.
I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.
As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.
For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence,
that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)
Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.
No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.
I drove by your house today…
maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…
How did I get so far behind
Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out
Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line
Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside
I have baggage left to unload
Willing to work at it and no longer hide
Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove
Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars
After all they once cut through so much left to prove
I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward
The process is on a continuum basis
and I am forever moving onward
There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand
If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave
for all that once troubled me surely would be gone
Since time has the only healing power
The virtue of prosperity patience and love
I must seek from my strong tower
I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws
I wasn’t created as such
Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause
Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire
To always give and receive love
Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar
Seek contentment happiness and joy
Carry it with me let it spill over
These are the things I can employ
I know today that I am easy to love
My barriers are down this heart is receptive
I am being restored from the heavens above
The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace
Memories of old formed my character to be
I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face
Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul
What you will see if you truly seek to find
a sparkling new me beginning to glow
if i were suddenly gone…
i didn’t see her at first as she walked into the post office. i closed my box, taking my key out and turned to see her face. Immediately, tears sprang to her eyes as a sudden jolt of pain coursed through her hollow heart. Without hesitation i walked straight towards this long time friend of mine, arms open wide for her to collapse for the moment. The only words to form my lips were “i love you, i’m so sorry”.
She was on autopilot, then repeated them back to me, “I love you too” as a gentle sob emerged from her chest. In an instant i felt her pain and agony over losing her husband in a tragic, freak accident just months earlier. This was no coincidence to see one another, because it is a very rare occurence for our paths to cross. No, God knew exactly what she needed and He made that Divine appointment in her honor, possibly mine as well. This little girl is no stranger to sudden loss.
as i write my thoughts down whether here on my personal, semi-private (from my real life) blog, or my endless journals that are found in different bags, cupboards and tables throughout my home, along with my laptop filled with word docs, i think, “if The Good Lord took me home in an instant, who would read my deepest thoughts”? Suddenly it occurred to me, my heart and soul are bared to no one in particular, but for anyone to read. my mind drifts to my three sons first. Would they embrace having the knowledge knowing their mom even better than they do now?
i’m reminded of the movie Bridges of Madison County and how upon her death, Merle Streep revealed her true self in her journals to her grown children at last. Her daughter was filled with delight as her son shivered at the thought of his mother having sex at all, let alone with a complete stranger to him whom she was deeply in love with. Lucky girl to have known that love.
i’ve not drawn any conclusion as to how i feel about this “what if” scenario that has given me pause, but honestly i’m not hiding anything in the preparation of “just in case” either. Everything will remain as is. i welcome the idea of at the very least, my three sons “getting to know” their true submissive mom and her journey of life.
Having a close relationship with each of them in our own unique ways, i would never be embarrassed and certainly not ashamed of who i am. It would be my hope and heart’s deepest desire that knowing the truth and accepting that i lived very happily within my lifestyle, would make them smile. i already have the picture in my heart and mind of them sitting around the bonfire with their cigs and bottle of whatever, toasting mom and chuckling together at the real life me that they probably already suspect anyhow.
::giggle and cheers boys::
They all know i love them each to the moon and back.
Nothing else matters.
Living with no regrets, speaking the truth of what is on my heart at the moment it is placed there, is how i choose to live life today. It is far to precious a gift not to cherish every golden moment, challenge and triumph.
my contentment…a life of serving within a relationship of honesty and integrity that includes structure, respect, honor, trust, patience, adoration, excitement, fun, erotic sex and love, formed and created out of Dominance and submission, allowing the other freedom to “just be” while naked and vulnerable, as the raw flesh we were born to be within each other’s presence. Personally i celebrate it and have faith that so would those who are privy to my special life…
i’ve learned the difficult way to never be afraid of those three little words that are the only reason we are even here to enjoy and embrace this earthly walk called life. I love you, say it boldly and loudly, softly and constantly, feel it, declare it, mean it, know it, hold it, understand it’s abundance, that it covers all, because in the end, it is the only thing that anyone can ever take with them and also leave behind…
I LOVE YOU
there are many layers to this little girl
depths upon depths to her caring soul
capacities to reach, a purpose to fill
all in all sharing love is her ultimate goal
If it’s on my heart, it is going to find its way to my head, pass through a filter and exit through my soft-spoken lips in the form of gentle words. My truth, my fears, my feelings, my soul, raw, naked and revealed.
I ran into a dear old friend today. Our paths haven’t crossed in months. Albeit, I take full responsibility for this as my life has been evolving and taking on new directions, but it was abundantly clear (pointed out to me) that my lack of presence has been acutely noticed and severely missed. “Where have you been?!” were the first exclamatory words tossed my way. A smile emerging from the turned up corners of my mouth. “Oh, you know how life can be, always in session. (giggling to myself at the meaning of that word) It can be incredibly busy as it heads off down several avenues, sparkling with a new adventure around each corner “. An evil yet warm grin came back to me, “Yes well, you are not allowed to just disappear on me. I need you!” (((hugs))) We are suchgirls2!
A divine appointment? Indeed. We began to bring each other up to speed on what has transpired in her life and the transitions occurring in my own. In the brief period of time we had, we managed to cover a lot of territory and still had air left in our lungs. A bite to eat, shopping and girl talk was exactly what the Good Lord ordered. As we walked along the sidewalk, another gal pal of ours crossed our paths. It was as if the universe had laid a golden path of estrogen to replenish us and tie our souls together once again. I simply looked up, smiled with grace, peace and love in my heart while giving praise to the One Who planned this.
It is abundantly clear in these times that my spiritual plane is defined and directed. A greater understanding of what my purpose is. My course is set and I am on track. I am His little girl beautifully and wonderfully made. My Daddy Sir creating me as His own while His lady continues to blossom and unfold before His very eyes.
I am needed, I am missed
I am loved, I do matter, I do exist
I need not fear
for I am loved the message is clear
My heart overflowing with love I never knew I could spare
but rather mass-produced with plenty to share…
sometimes life kicks me in the derriere…
then i turn around and say,
“hey, i don’t bend over for anyone except my Daddy!”
The tears choked back her words, but she managed to get them out. Through the sorrow and pain from a deep, past hurt, she spoke as if thirty years were just yesterday. I sat in absolute silence as I heard my own sadness spewing from her lips. Reminded me again that I am never alone in this life. Whatever my problems, there are always those who have had some of them too.
With her final thoughts through tear soaked cheeks, she gave a deep sigh and thanked everyone for listening and holding her heart. From across the table, I looked deep into her eyes and gave a genuine soft smile full of compassion that said how much I understood. Her grief prompted what came from me next.
The topic was perfection, one of my least favorite subjects to look at because there is truth revealed. The all-consuming state of being that stole my ability to just be me. It robbed me of a higher self-esteem I once possessed as it birthed the fear that would direct my lack of confidence from that day forward.
Inside, my little (baby girl) was tucked deep away where she felt safe and hidden from the world. Inevitably, big was growing up right along with that fear while perfectionism was consuming her life. The deep voice over her shoulder, the constant procession of his cruel words stymied her from rising up to her potential. How long does a person exert such power over another?
As long as I allow it…
Fast forward to my next thirty years, “Why is fear your default place to go to with me?”, he asked me one day. I could not come up with the answer, but it gave me such great pain and anguish from childhood that I chose to look at that. How can you understand me when I can’t even understand myself, I soon would discover. Fear is the go to familiar hiding place that won’t allow judgement to seep in if I remain quiet. I can be invisible if I don’t go to the finish line where no one will tell me, I could have done better.
That is fucked up…
The ironies of three states of being, contradictions in a sense…
fear + perfection = paralysis
FEAR: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
PERFECTION: 1. The condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. 2.The action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible.
PARALYSIS: the loss of the ability to move (and sometimes to feel anything) in part or most of the body, typically as a result of illness, poison, or injury.
awareness + acceptance + action
AWARENESS: knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.
ACCEPTANCE: the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
ACTION: the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.
I find it amazing, the core of deceptions that have been taking up space rent free for most of my life without my consent. Yet until now, my eyes have been shut to their existence. Through love and concern, honesty and caring, support and encouragement, that fear is beginning to dissipate. In bringing it to light, my protective glasses removed, at last I embrace you, in order to rid myself of your lies and deceit.
Truth is my friend…
Underneath it all is this incredible human being, capable of all things she chooses. She has legs to stand upon, a spine to keep her straight, the ability to conquer what comes before her, confidence and courage that dictates authenticity, a heart that is filled with honor, a soul abound with mercy and grace, and an abundance of love that carries her through everything.
Walk beside me…
The road gets narrow, sometimes the path is long, but keep looking ahead, forever onward uncovering and discovering every blessing along the way.
Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul
I added a fourth day to my workout, squeeze in a short hike the other days, attend two spiritual meetings a week, help lead a single moms bible study, have regularly scheduled home visits with clients, follow-up on referrals, keep daily contact with my sub contractors, conduct weekly case management with them, invoicing, weekly payroll distribution, one afternoon a week of Grammy and Zobo time, a check in with my three sons here and there, in between all of this I make time for fellowshipping with a few sisters, cultivate the healthy relationships in my life, work on my own recovery, meet with my sponsor, pay close attention to what I eat, cook my meals, and finally, make time for my blog. Whew~
What does my brain want from me? I am only one person with so much inside to bring out and pay attention to. Let me be still when I need to. I’ve walked a long road to get to this place of Serenity. Love is all I want to fill me up today. It is what keeps me going, why I get up every day, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. I thank the Good Lord for His love and blessing me through my glorious days, even in the storms. Hmmm~
I found balance in a world that never made sense before. Discovered ways to mend the parts of me in need of repair. Learned to stand on my own two feet. Even when I thought I would break, God promised he would only let me bend. I was torn completely down in order to begin to be built back up. No longer did I feel that I lost the things I thought mattered in my life. Instead I came to believe and trust that God Himself removed for me what I could not do for myself. His plan of protection was to simplify my life and make it more manageable. I was learning to love myself. At last~
1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love
Miracles were performed before my very eyes. Life was beginning to work for me, smoothly, gently, full of abundance and yes, love. I was becoming restored, feeling worthy for the first time. Hope replaced doubt, faith interrupted feelings of fear, courage took over my despair, strength stepped in when I felt weak, all because God covered me in love. Celebrate~
At last my heart began to feel whole. So much so it was overflowing. I understood what tears of joy felt like as God continued to move things around. As my insides began to match my outsides I was feeling in alignment for the first time. The extraction process was painful, but through it all I was never alone. Love helped me endure what was being undone. Amazed~
Proverbs 21:21 He who pursues righteousness and love
finds life, prosperity and honor
Days still come when I fall apart and forget to seek in Him that unfailing, everlasting love. It is only in Him I have learned how to love unconditionally. Today I can say I love you because it is placed upon my gentled, changed heart. Often I ask myself, if you were no longer in my life, could I live with myself for these unspoken simple three words? The answer always comes back definitely no, I could not. Tomorrow may come and be one day too late. Regret~
I love you because you are a part of me. We’ve been connected through the One true source. His good, honorable intentions for us on our walk is to give and receive love. Everything that is of the world gets in the way. Rejoice~
Psalm 33:5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love
As I walked in the side door, he stood there at the drinking fountain. There was a long pause as he looked up at me, water still pouring out, a smile emerged from his face, “You always look so peaceful”, were the kind, gentle words he uttered. “I do?” Slowly I made my way down the cold and quiet, yet serene hallway. The grin never left his lips. “Thank you”, I said and found I could not stop smiling back.
twenty-two days ago, no end in sight…
overwhelming in abundance…
eighteen days and counting…
then nine days ago…
gave new meaning to “hit your knees”…
temporary setback, so~
eight days ago a new one of these…
because it’s what I do while building…
that is starting to look like this…
filling me up with…
since I have been…
today it begins…
my restoration of power…
I AM SUCHAGIRL, praise God!