dance with me…

Take me with you on this grand excursion called life
free from distractions that interfere and the awfulness of strife
 
Leave the hesitations and reservations far behind
look ahead to the adventures that together we will find
 
Your hands laid upon this skin so warm
wrapped tightly around protecting it keeping it from harm
 
Go out in a blaze of glory on a journey with love as our only guide
walking in each day with a surmountable measure of joy taking it all in stride
 
Destination unknown arrival times to be revealed not an ounce of defeat
unchartered plans with the wind at our feet
 
Not a worry to come up against as we take this well deserved flight
high on the wings of Eagles we soar deep into the night
 
Reflections show us where we once had been
marked with a stern pillar of grace always to remember when
 
Eyes gazing forward seeking so much more
moving on to bigger and better is what our hearts have in store 
 
Won’t You take me by the collar and lead me along Your side
while i follow You a rope length behind excitedly along for the mystery ride 
 
Cast the fears away they serve no purpose now
leap out to the new ledge of hope faith will show You how
 
You and Your little girl complete the package of peace the truth it lies within
from here on out building on respect honor and love our new life shall begin
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self abandonment…

Did i even know this concept existed? Not until one day it was pointed out as my current state of abuse. Question… Why did i constantly feel so neglected, left out, left behind and forgotten? Answer… for self awareness sake, because i allowed it.

i had grown up more than feeling this enormous amount of depletion from others, but hadn’t a clue why until my behaviors reflected the broken, walking-wounded soul within. The scars keep reminding me of the battles i have faced while the wounds resurface with every lasting trace, but i need… someone

As a child i had no control over my own circumstances, nor did i add to the fault by simply being that good little girl, quiet and invisible. What did abandonment look like or worse, feel like? For me it looked like a scared, pathetic little person chasing after love, but never catching up to it. To not feel like i had any sense of belonging or inclusion of those who were supposed to love me unconditionally, devastation, solitude, isolation and shame, but i need… someone

How does this coincide with ditching myself? It goes hand in empty hand. i was taught to not call attention to my needs, no matter how loud my heart was screaming out. Ignore the emotional inner rampage building up inside and i can get through another agonizing day and lonely night. This is what all youngsters must go through and feel like, right? It must be, but i need… someone

Sure i’ll marry you and have three wonderful sons. At least then the pain of lonliness and abandonment will subside and i will finally have a purpose for my existence. Be the best mom and shower them with all the attention i never received or was worthy of. They deserve it, afterall, they need… me

Why am i angry all the time? i began to wonder, but couldn’t stop the rage. He is gone more than he is home. Drunk again. Leaving me alone. i recognize this. i know what to do, chase him. Prove to him i am worthy of his glory, his time, his presence, his love. Ah screw it, he is a lost cause. Focus on those three amazing sons. i won’t have to chase them down. Besides, they won’t run very far, they need… me

Alone, lost and frightened once again. What do i do? What should i do? Am i better off to accept what comes my way and swallow it whole to avoid the dreary pains of being left? This anger won’t leave me alone, that i can depend on. Enough was enough i decided one final day. It was within the midst of some toxic time with my confidant, that i gained the courage and strength to tell that man to leave. Sooo, it took an additional ten years of abuse and neglect, infidelity and lies, but i took the plunge. For the first time i realized, i need… me

i was immensely discontent and abandoned by all those who claimed to love me that it became normal to me. i learned from the best teachers how to pretend to live without my basic needs met. Oh i knew what i was missing because there was no greater hurt than to be by myself and wonder if anyone would ever truly love me just for me. One day i found a special place, a gathering of humans, other walking woundeds who graciously accepted me and all my brokenness, battle scars and all. They taught me self love, gave me a sense of self worth and offered me hope beyond my wildest imagination. They introduced me to a loving God who patiently waited at my heart’s door for me to open it and let Him in. Could it be? Is it possible that He needs… me? Because i came to believe, that i need… Him

Inline image 1

Confounded once more, did i do it to myself yet again? Unlearned lessons are destined to repeat themselves. Could this be why i feel like i’m on that familiar life raft, a lost little soul floating aimlessly at sea? i write these jumbled up thoughts to sort my wrong thinking out and to remember;

Evil thoughts always come back and will haunt me for life, “stop leaving me alone!” So i am beginning to manage them rather than the other way around. i am strengthened in You and i can do anything through You. i need… You 

i am worthy of love, honest, warm and true. i deserve time, attention and affection, not just for a moment or two, given to me freely not because i ask but simply because i am sacred not some fruitless task

i know in my heart that i sincerely need you, but i am learning that i need me too…    

 

I drove by your house today…

The house I have never known, just like the man sitting inside of it. My heart cried as I drove on by, I began to wonder if I had the right address. I stopped to confirm and as I turned around I knew. There was a certainty that came over me. I sat in the stillness, alone with my thoughts while they raced through my brain. Where were the memories of long ago? A connection, a sign that says “welcome, come on in”. What was I hoping to see, to find, to happen? I didn’t have the answers other than I am still that little girl chasing after you and waiting, hoping to be found. 

A tear streamed down one cheek as another fell right behind it. I may not have understood what I was doing, but I do know what I felt. Another reminder I continually search and long for a place where I belong. To seek comfort and rest, to finally call some place home. 

I wanted to scream as my insides dictated the remorse and sadness, “for a lifetime now, I have felt so fucked up because of your desertion!” But instead I sat there and stared at an unfamiliar little compound and wondered what I might behold behind that fence of steel, locked gate and closed-door. Warmth, safety, peace and joy? Did it really matter? I sat and lingered a few minutes more contemplating, but these hands wouldn’t open the door to the wall that it put up long ago. In that instant as the tears subsided, a hurt little girl wanted you to feel just an ounce of the pain that has inflicted me my whole life. That has misdirected my choices and pushed me to settle for things I believe I am only merely deserving of in this life.

As I allowed my thoughts to wander for what felt like sort of an eternity, the fantasy erected in my head. A version of life which I had been longing for. As the images washed over me like the fresh falling rain coming down, a loud honk from behind jolted me back into my current reality. There I sat, quietly in my car, imagining you peacefully in your chair, while I face the truth once more.

For once in my life, I desperately wanted you to hug me, to take away this heavy burden of shame I carry on my shoulders, to hear you tell me it’s not my fault, I love you and never meant to hurt you. More than anything I want to stop blaming you for who I am today because I know my character was built on it, but it doesn’t have to continue to define me. I need a sense of normalcy in my life, to stop behaving like that wounded, abandoned little girl more often than not. To stop believing there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I constantly sabotage my own happiness. Please change my thinking so I can move past this and be free of self-doubt and replace it with self-confidence, that you never instilled in me.(blame and shame)

Instead I write my heart out and sometimes I cry in frustration. The little girl inside gets scared when she’s all alone or left straggling behind. Then she copes with her broken tools gathered over the years in hopes to rise above the deep-seated anger that surfaces at the most inopportune times. These are the unpleasantries that reveal the depths of my brokenness even I don’t like to see, nor show.

No longer do they serve this grown up lady I so desperately want to be. I pray God to bind them up and heal me whole for the woman buried deep inside of me.

I drove by your house today…

maybe next time I’ll find the courage to stop…

secret thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling
very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days
in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 

I grew up (started to) when I learned to it different…

This is how it will start, my notes, my story, my life. God is amazing. He always does for me what I usually can never do for myself. Either because I am afraid and I don’t trust the process, or I simply lack the strength to do the right thing. I don’t have to like it, but as long as I accept it, I can get to the other side a little quicker, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. He reminds me I am never alone as long as I walk with Him…

I’m getting a little bit stronger…

 my saving grace song no matter how much love lingers in my heart for you

if loving is a crime, then convict me…

rainbow

Forever in awe of a rainbow painted in the sky
Hope is what I’m after, longing to be free
Wishing on three white horses grazing in the grass
That love is out there waiting, someday it will find me

It does exist, I see it all around
In my child like ways loving with my whole heart
Unconditional and true, faithful and pure
Never understanding another who can tear it all apart

To play laugh and sing from the highest mountain top
Wondering how it would feel to be happy joyous and free
Just to be held when things are frightening
Yet always know it is safe just to be

Look into these innocent eyes tell me I am safe
Words are just that, hastily spoken destined to deceive
Why then this heart, so trusting and wide open
Despite of it all, it is desperate to believe

The chasing of his love just to feel worthy
Memories of anguish go as far back as seven
Daddy don’t leave me the pattern soon began
Fifteen years later mom would go to heaven

These insides weren’t just shredded but now have become empty
Depleted of love alone to figure it out and take that solo stand
Caring so deeply only meant you too would leave
So I grasp a bit tighter as it sifts through my hand

A heart forever on the mend
That same little girl in school
Playing follow the leader, led by whomever knew the way
Ending up lost again feeling like the fool

How broken I must be to accept the crumbs you offer
Deprivation reigns over while self worth is tattered
Why do I continue to hope and dream
My spirit once more is shattered

Messaged delivered, this time driven home hard
Everything is gone, I cringe in dismay
The power exchanged was destroyed in a flash
With one final shove you pushed me away

My rough edges have been softened
This girl somehow prevails though scared and all alone
Scarred and broken, wounded and raw
She has to figure out again how to make it on her own

the-girl-who-circumnavigated-the-world-in-a-dream-of-her-own-making-paul-bond

secrets thoughts kept in the doubting mind of His lsgk…

Maybe it’s all in her head
she wonders if He thinks she doesn’t know
she remains quietly praying over the one thing she does dread
instinct is a peculiar feeling very seldom wrong
she has learned to listen intently to it
not push aside or place on ignore
this powerful message is what keeps her strong
she carries on acting as if wanting this life to be real
her best effort put forward to honor serve and please
her heart body mind and soul invested, excited just to feel
in her past she ignored the truth a safer place to hide
deny what was right in front of her 
not face the gut wrenching realities that hurt too much inside 
smile through the days in the night He is right there
what really ventures through our minds 
enjoy this moment in time knowing how much we share 
being this girl in her deep level of submission is beautiful yet makes her very tired 
He reminds her often this is no easy task 
a consensual agreement to this lifestyle of which we both are wired  
so much to learn as her training continues she steadily grows 
not wanting to have insecurities be content in His loving arms
His property needs to feel safe under His control this He surely knows
one thing is certain this girl recognizes her value worth and gift capable to rise above 
understanding all this entails as she offers herself to Him daily wanting just to trust
in return she desires to receive His security protection and love 
the day washes over them our small town fun we did partake 
laughing and drinking talking and playing 
a beautiful day please never let me be awake 
 tears streamed slowly down as they walked through the door leaving a black stained face 
The Master slowly drifts off to His slumber while His slave nuzzles close in His warm embrace
the liquid truth serum revealing with His whispering voice in her ear~ 
“Your Master cherishes His slave you know, that is why I chose you and I show much I care”…
 
 

about a girl…

who once had a heart of glass

she offered it so freely

emptied it out then filled it up

gently worn but not without class

forever giving it away

since she was a little child

first to her daddy

then any man that would stay

she never knew why

she chased the uncatchable

near starved for affection

her heart bled till it was dry

unbeknownst to her deepest desire

the bottomless craving this girl did possess

she gave of herself

the most precious gift to acquire

You need not work hard for it to obtain

the very core of her being

every ounce of her flesh

though her beauty did remain

the song abound in her ear

give all of yourself

never stop chasing that rainbow

her message perfectly clear

why must the anguish be bestowed upon me

will the lessons never be grasped

destined to repeat them

her struggle to be free

where now does she turn

every corner a stumbling block

waiting for her footing to slip

yet another teacher from which to learn

this time the value is high

the potential loss feels like desertion

when the truth of the matter is

it was merely this heart telling her a lie

 

in Daddy’s absence He assures His little girl…

It’s only temporary

it isn’t permanent

It’s only six weeks

it isn’t forever

It’s only going away

it isn’t leaving you

It’s only sad feelings

it isn’t a fact

It’s only the truth

it isn’t a lie

It’s only this little girl’s heart

is isn’t going to die

XO lg

the newest me…

How did I get so far behind

Down from the trenches I’ve dug myself out

Sometimes I continue to find myself out of line

Accepting of old shame where a battle may still reside

I have baggage left to unload

Willing to work at it and no longer hide

Keep chipping away my burdens slow to remove

Leaving some wounds and tiny invisible scars

After all they once cut through so much left to prove

I can’t expect the old pain to rush out and come forward

The process is on a continuum basis  

and I am forever moving onward

There is no stopwatch a potion or magic wand

If there were I would wish for one small sip a swift gentle wave

for all that once troubled me surely would be gone

Since time has the only healing power

The virtue of prosperity patience and love  

I must seek from my strong tower

I’ve never managed to escape imperfections or flaws

I wasn’t created as such  

Why then do I tolerate torment it gives me great pause

 Stand back and catch a breath as I ask my heart its true desire 

To always give and receive love

Be honest and true never deceitful or portray a liar

Seek contentment happiness and joy 

Carry it with me let it spill over 

These are the things I can employ

 I know today that I am easy to love 

My barriers are down this heart is receptive

I am being restored from the heavens above

The clock has slowed down giving me such mercy and grace

Memories of old formed my character to be

I’m not who I once was behind this same gentle face 

Look deeper into my eyes the windows to my soul

What you will see if you truly seek to find  

a sparkling new me beginning to glow