Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul
I added a fourth day to my workout, squeeze in a short hike the other days, attend two spiritual meetings a week, help lead a single moms bible study, have regularly scheduled home visits with clients, follow-up on referrals, keep daily contact with my sub contractors, conduct weekly case management with them, invoicing, weekly payroll distribution, one afternoon a week of Grammy and Zobo time, a check in with my three sons here and there, in between all of this I make time for fellowshipping with a few sisters, cultivate the healthy relationships in my life, work on my own recovery, meet with my sponsor, pay close attention to what I eat, cook my meals, and finally, make time for my blog. Whew~
What does my brain want from me? I am only one person with so much inside to bring out and pay attention to. Let me be still when I need to. I’ve walked a long road to get to this place of Serenity. Love is all I want to fill me up today. It is what keeps me going, why I get up every day, put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing. I thank the Good Lord for His love and blessing me through my glorious days, even in the storms. Hmmm~
I found balance in a world that never made sense before. Discovered ways to mend the parts of me in need of repair. Learned to stand on my own two feet. Even when I thought I would break, God promised he would only let me bend. I was torn completely down in order to begin to be built back up. No longer did I feel that I lost the things I thought mattered in my life. Instead I came to believe and trust that God Himself removed for me what I could not do for myself. His plan of protection was to simplify my life and make it more manageable. I was learning to love myself. At last~
1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love
Miracles were performed before my very eyes. Life was beginning to work for me, smoothly, gently, full of abundance and yes, love. I was becoming restored, feeling worthy for the first time. Hope replaced doubt, faith interrupted feelings of fear, courage took over my despair, strength stepped in when I felt weak, all because God covered me in love. Celebrate~
At last my heart began to feel whole. So much so it was overflowing. I understood what tears of joy felt like as God continued to move things around. As my insides began to match my outsides I was feeling in alignment for the first time. The extraction process was painful, but through it all I was never alone. Love helped me endure what was being undone. Amazed~
Proverbs 21:21 He who pursues righteousness and love
finds life, prosperity and honor
Days still come when I fall apart and forget to seek in Him that unfailing, everlasting love. It is only in Him I have learned how to love unconditionally. Today I can say I love you because it is placed upon my gentled, changed heart. Often I ask myself, if you were no longer in my life, could I live with myself for these unspoken simple three words? The answer always comes back definitely no, I could not. Tomorrow may come and be one day too late. Regret~
I love you because you are a part of me. We’ve been connected through the One true source. His good, honorable intentions for us on our walk is to give and receive love. Everything that is of the world gets in the way. Rejoice~
Psalm 33:5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love
Life is far to precious to waste even a day by giving into regret or suffering. Both are only good for wallowing in. I have but this one life and it can be as hard as I make it or as smooth as I choose. As a lady who has had her share of tragic losses, I have truly embraced the concept of “one day at a time”. Today is all I have to work with and I attempt to live it by giving and receiving love within my valued twenty-four hours. Yesterday’s lessons are today’s progress and tomorrow will take care of itself.
Feelings come and feelings pass, but what I do with them is how my life is affected. Where I may not take things as seriously as most, I also do not take important things lightly. I am learning to go with the flow and find acceptance in the things I cannot change. God has granted me the serenity and gives me His ultimate wisdom. His plan always has been to give and receive love, everything else just gets in His way.
So how, as humans, do we accomplish this goal of living in the here and now? My flesh has wants and desires that can fog up my world when I already know that I am blessed with all that I ever need. When worry starts to look around and regret turns my head to the past, I am reminded to look up where faith is shining down.
I have learned many lessons on this journey called life. They have allowed me to love long, forgive quickly and speak softly. In doing so I have added life to my days, not days to my life. My daily praise to the Lord, “Thank You for another breath and all the blessings You have laid at my feet…”
Dance like nobody’s watching; (but make sure the one you love sees you and you look really hot. He is a man and any sexual gyrations that involves your ass and tits rubbing on him is going to turn him on. Do it with pleasure and he will take the lead)
Love like you’ve never been hurt; (pain is inevitable while suffering is optional, so toughen up, stop blaming your parents for all the wrongs they did you and if you have love in your heart for that certain man, feel it, show and one day, say it! If he is an Alpha through and through, he’s likely waiting on you)
Sing like nobody’s listening; (unless you are making the dogs howl and the cats run the other way, who cares? Music soothes the savage beast. It is where the healing begins and it targets the soul. So sing out loud and just maybe he will join you for the next duet)
Live like it’s heaven on earth; (laugh often, especially at his muses and silliness because he makes you giggly and tingly with his touch. Most importantly, let him take you in his arms and you up full always in all ways possible, anytime he wants. Cum hard and often when he brings you there and be sure he does more than you. Don’t wait for that “special moment” or mood to be just right, If you are truly into your man, (Captain for me) then you are already obedient and submissive so the moment is always, “right now”)
Let yourself go, before you know, you will flow
and what remains is a beautiful glow
When I bring it to life, the power is taken out. It gets cut in half when I share the crap inside my head with God and one other person. Once again, I am breathing.
I used to live my life, a prisoner within my own thoughts. Tormented by the “what if’s” and the “if only’s”. Worry was a constant state of being and fear was the sea in which I swam. I was asked just a little while ago, “how did you get out of it, how did you do it?” My answer, “I prayed, a lot! I Talked to God and told Him how afraid I was to let anyone near my heart again. He showed me time after time He was protecting me. Because I put my trust in Him, my faith grew stronger and He revealed Himself to me a little more every day.”
Now, I did not come to believe over night by some grand epiphany mind you. In fact, it took a second tragedy to affect me so deeply that I had nowhere else to take my pain this time. Ten years ago I was told I would never “come to believe” if I didn’t know what I believed. One thing was clear, my life was not working by my own free will.
After the loss of my beautiful 20 year old nephew to an overdose of heroin, I had surrendered to a much greater power that I never knew existed. There was no other explanation to my being able to get up and put one foot in front of the other soon after his death. Since that time two years ago, my life has changed directions. I have been led down a path than I could not have designed for myself. Along this part of my journey, the weeds of toxicity have been pulled and replaced by healthy new spirits to lift me up for my highest good.
Of course the love for my three sons empower me and remains in tact. We four are freakishly linked in a way that is just unheard of these days. Together we have all walked through some very painful, life altering challenges. The beautiful thing is, even through times of struggles and battles, we always settle before the war and contain the love in our hearts. (God working His miracles)
I was a raw woman and it was merely weeks after losing my nephew when suddenly a new man appeared on the scene. He had entered the rooms of emotional recovery, same as I many years before, in pain and irritated to be there, but desperate to be done with the bullshit of addiction. I had no desire of receiving attention from a man again, especially not now. It was too soon and I was done with my heart being shredded. After some time had passed and our paths continued to cross, I asked God what He was up to. It was obvious we were both broken and wounded spirits in need of repair. The message kept coming back, “trust Me, I have The Plan”. My fight became weaker while my heart became stronger. I learned that I am the one responsible for my own happiness. I get to choose between a wall or a little white picket fence with a gate. So, I decided to hang a welcome sign on the latch, but reserve the right to keep the key.
I am incredibly grateful to that man who made subtle yet direct attempts to get my attention a little over two years ago. I will never forget the way I physically stepped away from him one of the first times we had a brief conversation. Because I was so out of balance, I continued to downgrade my outward appearance. It was a deep, muddled reflection of my insides.
Meanwhile, I fed my spirit and the emptiness was beginning to fill me up with goodness. Eventually I was led to find the willingness to work on my physical and mental well-being. All the while, this beautiful man kept showing up in my path. As he walked through his own agony and lessons to face, I started to feel blessed to be a part of them and to have him see mine. We have traveled across some rocky terrain holding each other up, as well as letting each other fall. We have reached that level of intimacy and vulnerability that is rare to let another see for fear of being judged, ridiculed or let down.
Today we have become very close and share many amazing thoughts, ideas, plans and moments together. He holds me accountable and responsible for my own actions and encourages me in a way no one (man) has ever done before. He never ceases to amaze me and I am constantly in awe of him. I thank God for His handy work in this when I was ready to just dismiss this man and walk the other way without ever looking back…
This is my birthday week and the Captain has rented a houseboat for a week. Oh the fun we will have floating around on the lake with no one to see or hear us for miles. See, the beauty of life is, it takes me from serious to silly in less than 5 seconds these days. That is what truly living is all about to me.
My life is filled with love and I am in love with life.
I only have today and I intend to play,
everything else just gets in the way!