I’ll stop crying when my tears dry up. I’ll stop wallowing when the waves stop taking me under. I’ll stop feeling the pain when my heart is mended and has been restored. I’ll stop talking about this when there’s nothing left to say.
Until these things come to pass, I am where I am.
I am left with this as the ending to our self entitled story, “my Sir and His kitty”;
“Of all the relationships ever in my life I would have sworn on the good book that we would have never stood a chance of ending up here. I’m sorry to have hurt you.” (former Sir)
Touching? Soothing? hmmm, the correct answer is, no. If I were to share the hurtful words that preceded this final statement from my former Sir, I feel confident you would concur. However, it is not within my capabilities to put those intimate details out to the world, regardless of my anonymity here, but just know, they cut me deeply.
Here I am, spun in confusion and sitting in disbelief still. Moments of clarity come in the reflective times. Sadness often prevails when a memory is sparked by a fleeting thought or a vision of a place we spent time together. I am learning to manage my feelings by simply allowing them to come. As much as I want to rebuke them because they are so uncomfortable, I try to embrace each one as my only means of escape.
Sir, former as you are now, no longer am I going to give you the power to destroy my self-worth. Done are my desperate, weak attempts that directed me to relentlessly prove myself to you and for you. I was depleted of my dignity as I settled into acceptance of you being deemed the ruler of us.
My final sentiments I sent to you from my heart;
“All I ever wanted was to be yours and yours alone. I’m just sorry that wasn’t all you ever wanted of me too”. (His former kitty)