what happens now…

the work in front of me is solely in my hand 

though exciting and difficult will take me where I need to stand

this layer has been peeled slow and savagely

excruciating at times uncovering secret portions of me 

embedded deep down waiting to arrive 

lost for so long just trying to survive

how did she compact herself that deeply in her soul

time to come out and embrace the life that she may finally know
breaking free of the shackles once timid and so shy
wanting to stretch her untamed wings so she can start to fly
what was it all about the heaviness on her heart
tangled up in her shame burdens that kept her in doubt
the subtle remarks became an everyday expression
how unimportant she seemed a lifetime of feeling less than
where had she gone her identity slipped away
only to be seen if she was pleasing you each and every day
the story of her life her earliest recollections age three
 if she had just done more she could know how to just be
consumed with all the memories that were haunting in her mind
it took loving you for them to at last become untied
wondering and struggling why this unsettling behavior
a deep yearning for direction and love from this man to be her earthly savior
for the first time in this life someone truly cared
has taken the time to seek beyond took a chance because he dared
sorting through her wounds the mask under which she would hide
with his patience he did find the broken little girl hidden deep inside
this man who has encompassed her as a blessing for a reason
 lifting her up to move forward and walk through this tough season
it was in losing her that she lost him of which she cannot deny
not the isolated events nor her willingness to try
the excavation is underway a complete overhaul it may take
every broken part of her she prays for The Lord to remake
the valleys still to walk through the mountains left to climb
a soul worthy of love a spirit to refine
the goal for this lady keep pressing on till she reaches the other side
encountering bumps and jagged rocks but oh what a fucking ride
surfin kitty
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a change in direction is in order…

I once was lost, but now I’m found…

chains

When might I ever find my place in this world? I am not all that unlike most of you out there. Just a constant attempt at being the very best me I am capable of. I no longer seek perfection and will run the opposite direction if that is what you are expecting of me today. I embrace the girl inside and the lady I have become…

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

…but do I believe this self talk? I have no reason to lie, convince or even berate myself for that matter. There are questions I have pondered as I have spent the better part of these past few weeks meandering through memories. What is it I want to accomplish in my life? Where do I envision me when I look at those goals? I saw how on some days, I walked gracefully through my struggles having been granted God’s mercy and favor. Yet on others, I stumbled and even fell while getting right back up again. There is not a bitter taste on my tongue, nor an ill wish in my heart.   

Upon reading some new blogs in the community as well as those I have been following, I decided to clean house. The removal process was cleansing because some no longer serve a purpose and frankly disturb me now. During this undertaking, I was prone to look at the rollercoaster of events over the course of my own writings. The realizations I encountered hit me like an anvil. I understand no one wants that type of rude awakening, but sometimes it is exactly what I need. The bottom line is, I may not be as fucked up as I once was, but I surely have some serious deep weeding to do if I am ever going to pull up those roots.

This is in no way a kick my own ass, reprimanding sort of self-deprecation by any means. A mere honest observation as I continue to seek out the real me that has not yet come to fruition. Today was one of those sort of days to sit and wonder where life might be taking me next. Nothing more, nothing less. 

moving on

As I skimmed through my memories, there were some I was a little surprised by, while others made me smile as they took me back. I thought to myself, kitty, this has certainly been an interesting chapter. Full of new discoveries, adventures, and multiple (all this word implies) blessings, none of which I would change or trade. I looked at it through the eyes of my heart. Wouldn’t you know it, all I found there was joy and love, even through the trials I found victories. During times of confusion or anguish, I sought through prayer for deliverance that brought me to clarity. 

 

womans heart

My story may be written, but it is up to me to follow His direction, His light, His lead  I choose to stay the course and keep on keepin on…